


Say something, I'm giving up on you

by AbbyHolmes



Category: Advanced Warfare - Fandom, CODAW - Fandom, Call of Duty, Call of Duty Advanced Warfare - Fandom
Genre: AU, Blood and Violence, Drama baby drama, Emotional, Explicit Language, Gideon/Mitchell (developing but they're just friends in the beginning), Gideon/Mitchell - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Atlas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-19 07:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 58,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3601488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbyHolmes/pseuds/AbbyHolmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mitchell returns to sentinel after his rehabilitation and is put back under Gideon's command. While they're still trying to cope with the past and their sheer joy to work with each other again, their first mission slides into another catastrophe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RogersBz14](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogersBz14/gifts).



> So, I wrote another Story about those guys. Sight. This isn't the story I originally planned to write, but the idea just came to me so I had to write it down. This is NOT a sequel to "You stay alive, I stay alive", but the story takes place months after the death of Irons and Atlas. Mitchell has spend a long time at rehabilitation and finally gets back to work and to meet Gideon again (yaay!). This is going to my first multichapter-story at this board and I'm a little excited about it.
> 
> [I'm still planning to write a sequel on "You stay alive...." anyway, but I need some more time for that one]
> 
> This story's inspired by the great, great stories of RogersBz14. It's great how those stories describe their brotherly friendship and aaaaw I love reading them and they got me thinking "What if for once it happened the other way around? What if Gideon gets to be the weak one?"
> 
> So...prepare for some OOCish Hurt/Comfort Drama and a little (B)romance / Gitchell later on.
> 
> Hope you enjoy my messy writing :)

Mitchell couldn’t keep a huge smile from spreading on his face, once Gideon came into his field of vision. His old captain stood in front of his team, his back turned to Mitchell, and prepared the squad for the arrival of a new colleague. 

“I don’t know what kind of guy they’re sending to reinforce us, but I hope he’s not an idiot. Anyway, you are going to welcome that fucker as one of us until he proves he doesn’t belong here. Do you copy?”  
Mitchell was now standing right behind Gideon, quietly laughing, and then tipped the other man’s shoulder.   
“I can’t promise not to be an idiot, but I’ll try my very best, captain.” Gideon promptly turned around, a huge but yet surprised smile on his face. Suppressing the impulse to hug Mitchell, he patted the younger man’s upper arm and waved the squad to send them away.

“Hey Gideon.” Mitchell still couldn’t stop smiling, especially because Gideon didn’t succeed in hiding his utter confusion. “What on earth are you doing here, mate?”  
“Well, you asked sentinel for reinforcement, and here I am.”  
“I thought you were in rehabilitation.”  
“I was. Until last week. Doctor’s checked me over and decided I’m fit for duty, so I asked to be put back under my old captain’s command. They couldn’t resist my puppy eyes.”  
Gideon opened his mouth, started to stutter something completely incomprehensive and closed his mouth again, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment of his speechlessness.   
Mitchell chuckled. “Surprised?”  
“A bit maybe.” Gideon snorted. “You could have fucking told me you were out of rehabilitation!”  
“Nah. That would’ve ruined the surprise. And that face…” Mitchell pointed at Gideon’s head, nearly bursting into laughter “…is priceless.”  
Gideon smirked and folded his arms in front of his chest because he still inappropriately felt the urge to pull Mitchell in for a tight hug. “So…you’re, um…alright again?” Gideon mumbled, looking at the new high-tech prosthesis replacing what had been remaining of Mitchells former arm. Mitchell recognized the worry on Gideon’s face and nodded.  
“Healthy and complete. The new implant works just fine.”  
He moved his artificial fingers in demonstration.  
Gideon still appeared rather skeptical. “As good as the old one? I thought your nerves were too short for another…”  
Mitchell cut him off, unwilling to talk about the pain he had gone through just to get back on the field again. “It will do. Once I got used to it, it might be even better than the old one.”   
Gideon sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know, man…you really think you should come back so soon?”  
“It’s been more than ten months, Gideon! If I don’t get back into the saddle now, I might never be ready.”  
Gideon nodded, still not entirely convinced.  
“I understand. Look, you’re one hell of a soldier and I’m more than glad to have you back in my squad. I just don’t want you to rush things, okay?”  
“I won’t. Trust me.”  
They looked each other in the eyes until Gideon finally nodded.  
“Alright, your decision, private, but don’t expect me to spare you from the dirty work.”  
As Mitchell started to laugh, Gideon finally could’t resist any longer and harshly pulled him into his arms, hugging him tight. Mitchell winced at the tickling whisper next to his ear while he couldn’t resist to lean into the embracement, to hug Gideon back.  
“Good to have you back, mate.”  
Gideon awkwardly let go of him all over sudden and Mitchell nearly tipped over.  
Scratching his head, the private made a step back, enlarging the space between them.  
“I’m um…glad to be back too.”  
They chuckled, both a little embarrassed and overstrained by their joy to see each other and being comrades again, until Gideon cleared his throat.  
“Well then, private. Wanna see your quarters?”  
“Absolutely.”

Since Mitchell had arrived at early evening, nothing much was planned for him to do the rest of the day. He wouldn’t go to the field for another two days, since he needed to get behind the gun range first in order to prove his abilities. Besides, the briefing for the new mission would take place the day after tomorrow. That gave him plenty of time to acclimate.   
Gideon left him to give him time to arrange himself at his quarters and they agreed to meet an hour later, so Gideon could show him around.   
Mitchell didn’t really have a lot of stuff to get out of his bags and so he spend the hour lying on his unexpectedly comfortable bed, reflecting about the situation.

Everything felt rather awkward. Returning to the military had been seemingly impossible just a couple of months ago and therefore Mitchell still couldn’t believe he made it out of all this mess with a body that was ready for duty. The scars still hurt, especially at bad weather and the stump of his real arm burned from time to time, but all in all, he was alright. Better than anyone had ever expected him to recover. The slight pain that remained was nothing in comparison to what he’d been going through. More than a dozen of operations, the torture of physiotherapy, the nightmares and the fear that came with nightfall had worn him out even more than the endless talks he’d had with the psychiatrist. It hadn’t been entirely true that his rehabilitation finished last week. Mitchell had been taking a couple of days off, thinking about his life and his future. He really considered leaving the military but then again, he really couldn’t. Being a soldier was what he’d been trained for, and really, what else could he do? Besides, he had been missing Ilona and Gideon long enough to decide it was time to go back to where he belonged. Against the heavy protests of his mother – his only remaining family member – he went to ask sentinel to give him back his job, his life, his friends who had become his family. Sentinel had welcomed him with open arms and even let him return under Gideon’s command as if they owed him something. They even suggested to promote him, but Mitchell had declined the offer. He just wanted it to be as it had been in the past.   
But even more awkward than returning to the military was seeing Gideon again. The last time they had seen each other had been around Christmas, a couple of months ago, when Gideon visited him at the hospital. It had been a horrible day. Mitchell, freshly operated for the seemingly one zillionth time and agonized by pain and fear, had felt ashamed for his miserable, haggard appearance while Gideon was visibly uncomfortable with the whole situation and didn’t say much more than constantly asking ‘Are you alright’, which Mitchell really wasn’t. It had heavily embarrassed Mitchell to appear so weak. He wanted to be strong, he wanted to show Gideon that he was going to be alright. He didn’t want him to worry the way he had the day that Irons nearly pulled him off that damn roof with himself. It was awkward to remember that very day, painful. Being hurt and carried and begged not to die. Hearing Gideon shout his name in agony while his vision blackened. Blinking his eyes open against the overwhelming brightness of the hospital room only to see Gideon sitting next to his bed, head on his mattress, asleep from exhaustion. Mitchell didn’t remember everything, but what he remembered was enough to make the situation appear awkward. Even if he was more than really, really glad to see Gideon again, even if it felt great to hug him, it remained a little weird and Mitchell stayed ashamed for his weakness.

After texting Ilona, who was currently stationed at a camp a couple of kilometers away – she had her own squad now, since she’d been promoted – about Mitchells surprising arrival, Gideon started wandering around at his room nervously. He was overwhelmed with joy that Mitchell had recovered, that he’d even be able to get back to work with him. It felt like being complete again. He wouldn’t fucking admit that in public, but he had missed Mitchell more than a lot and he had worried about him more that would’ve been good in terms of sleeplessness. But still, it was a little painful to see Mitchell. It brought back the memories of stroking his hair, wet with fever, listening to his agonized groaning at night. It reminded Gideon of the day he nearly lost Mitchell, of the nights that followed the day they defeated Irons. He knew Mitchell wouldn’t remember how he had been sitting next to his bed day after day, watching over the pale soldier who remained unconscious due to the extreme blood loss and utter exhaustion. Mitchell wouldn’t ever know that Gideon had been holding his hand, talking to Mitchell about old memories with a shaking voice. He wouldn’t even remember that Gideon had stopped to call him Mitchell and started to call him Jack. Fortunately, Mitchell had forgotten all that, but he for sure remembered how stupidly helpless Gideon behaved at his last visit. How he hadn’t been much of help but a pain in the ass. Gideon was embarrassed. About being such a softie and what he considered a bad friend. It was awkward to have Mitchell back under his command. As much as he liked the thought of fighting with him and having his back, Gideon couldn’t keep himself from worrying about Mitchell and asking himself if it wasn’t too early for him to get back in the field.

The desert sand was still warm as they sat down at a cliff at the edge of the camp, a beer in their hands. Because the camp wasn’t very big, it hadn’t taken much time to show Mitchell around and since it was early still and the next day wouldn’t be too stressful, they had some time to chat before going to rest.  
“So, Ilona’s no longer part of our squad?”  
“Nope.”  
“That’s….”  
“Shit, I know. Nobody shoots better than Ilona.”  
Mitchell chuckled.  
“Don’t tell her I said that, or you’re a dead man, private!”  
“Don’t worry. I won’t. But I’ll miss her.”  
“We team up with her squad quiet often. You’ll be willing to get rid of her soon enough. And if you don’t, you can ask to be put under her command.”  
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”  
“What? No, you idiot. I just thought you might like working with her better.”  
“I’m here now, right? Let’s keep it like that for now.”  
“If I don’t throw you outta my squad because of your bad shooting-abilities.”  
“I’m an awesome shooter.”  
“We’ll see if you still are tomorrow.”  
“I’m gonna kick your old ass, Gid’”  
Gideon flinched at the use of the nickname. It brought back bad memories.  
“Don’t ever fucking call me that, dumbass.”  
“You still don’t like the nickname, hah?”  
“And I never will. Maybe I’ll start calling you ‘Mitch’. How does that sound to you?”  
Mitchell shrugged. “I don’t care. But you know what I do care about?”  
“What, Mitch?” Gideon smirked and Mitchell rolled his eyes.  
“The mission. Why are we here?”  
Gideon sighed, taking a gulp of his beer. “That, mate, is a fucking long story.”


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion takes place and preparing for the mission, evrything stays rather awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody,
> 
> Thank you so much for all them kudos and your lovely comments!  
> This chapter still contains a lot of exposition, but the action's coming soon, so I hope you'll still enjoy this ;)

“It’s pretty heavy stuff, this mission.”  
“Why?”  
“ ‘cause we’re going to kill some of the people we once called colleagues.”  
“Another cell of remaining Atlas soldiers?”  
“Yep. But a special one.”  
“And by special you mean…?”  
“People who were very close to Irons. The inner circle if you want to call it that.”  
“People like…”  
“Me, yeah. People who’ve been working for Atlas more than a decade. Some of them I’ve known since the day I joined the company.”  
Mitchell sighed. “That’s really tough stuff. You’re okay with that?”  
Gideon shrugged. “They are responsible for what happened and for some terror-attacks that happened within the last weeks. They blew up a nearby school just to show their remaining power. 15 children died. They’re no good people.”  
Mitchell shook his head. “Who does stuff like that?”  
“People you thought to be normal. I can’t believe I nearly became one of them.”  
“Come on Gideon, you’d never…”  
“I betrayed you. You and Ilona.”  
“But you changed your mind and you helped stopping that nightmare.”  
Gideon locked eyes with Mitchell.  
“I betrayed you. I’m never going to forgive myself I did that.”  
“Gideon…”  
Mitchell reached out to touch the older man’s shoulder, but Gideon pulled away.  
“Anyway. They’re many and they got a lot of the remaining Atlas technology. No manticore though, which makes it way easier. The thing is, we all know how well-trained they are. We’ve been trying to get rid of them for months, but they always succeed in hiding. They killed five of us. And they torture when they capture. This mission is one hell of a bad job.”  
“They need to be stopped.”  
“Yeah. And they will be stopped this week.”  
“What’s the plan?”  
“We finally found their nest and this time, they don’t seem to have a clue. We’re going in from four sides, troops are already lined up. Our squad teams up with Ilona’s and where covering the north. Ilona and me have been chosen to help panning this mission.”  
“Because you where at Atlas?”  
Gideon nodded. “And I bet that’s why they send you here. Not because of your puppy-eyes, but because you know the way we did things at Atlas.”  
“Sounds like a good chance to fight those bastards to me.”  
Gideon chuckled. “You’re sure you’re ready for this?”  
“I’m sure.”  
“Good. I’ll kill you if you dare to get captured or die or do anything else as stupid as that.”  
“You got my back, so what should happen?”  
Gideon snorted.  
“That worked out pretty great the last time, remember?”  
“This is different. We’re not only three people against an army.”  
They fell silent and finished drinking their beers while staring into the darkening horizon, until Gideon cleared his throat. “You know, back at the hospital at Christmas…I was a dick and I’m sorry.”  
Mitchell swallowed and shook his head. “It’s alright, man. That’s over now.”

Gideon didn’t sleep a wink that night. His head was busy analyzing Mitchell, asking whether it would be selfish to throw Mitchell out of the squad just to know he’d be safe at the headquarter, doing some office job. He decided it would be more than selfish and hated himself for the fact that Mitchell made him weak and emotional and selfish. He hated his heart for pounding faster when the private was around. He hated himself for worrying about him more than about the rest of the squad. He hated Mitchell because he threw himself into danger again. He hated this fucking shit so much.

As a surprise to nobody, Mitchell passed the shooting exercise with amazing results and Gideon finally shut up about the quality of the new implant. Mitchell got to know the other soldiers in the squad and thought they might get along pretty well. Gideon apparently had a new favorite soldier, a sniper called Dex, with whom he constantly joked around during the training. Everybody seemed to respect and like Gideon as their captain and Mitchell found they were all pretty well trained, disciplined and sympathetic. He hadn’t expected it to be any different. Mitchell remembered that at Atlas, Gideon tend to throw everyone out of his squad who disobeyed, treated his comrades bad or didn’t take his job seriously. He wouldn’t allow idiots on his team. At the end of Mitchells first real day, they all sat down to have dinner together so they might get to know Mitchell before going to the field together.

“Do you actually know you’re a fucking legend around here?”, Dex asked, half a potato in his mouth.  
Mitchell exchanged a quick look with Gideon, who was sitting next to him and responded: “No. I didn’t.”  
“It’s true. We all know you’re a hero.”  
“I’m not.”  
“You killed Irons.”  
“He fell off a building.”  
“C’mon, don’t be so modest about it. You saved everybody’s ass.”  
“I didn’t do that on my own. Captain Emery…”  
“Shut up, Mitchell”, Gideon cut him off harshly.  
Dex chuckled. “Don’t try, Mitchell. Gideon never talks about it.”  
Gideon frowned, his eyes focused on his plate.  
“Exactly, idiot. And that’s why we’re changing topics now, dickhead.”  
Another soldier of the squad, Harper, joined the conversation.  
“It’s nice to have some reinforcement and we’re glad it’s somebody who’s got as much experience as you, Mitchell. That’s what Dex was trying to say.”  
Mitchell chuckled. “Thanks.”  
“Alright, guys. You’re finished with the girly-talk? I’d like to eat in peace”, Gideon hummed annoyed and Mitchell smirked as everybody fell silent.

Mitchell couldn’t help to ask himself, whether Gideon was alright with him joining the squad. Somehow, nothing felt like it used to be. Gideon would joke around as always, he’d curse and mumble grumpy orders, but he seemed to look at Mitchell in a different way. What did he tell the squad about him? Why did they regard him as a hero? Why didn’t Gideon ever talk to him about anything else but the mission? Where did their old friendship disappear to? Where did all that trust go?  
And why on earth couldn’t he stop thinking about that hug the other day?

For the briefing, they were joined by the Alpha Two Squad who was under Ilona’s command. Mitchell remained excited all through the morning, happy to see his old comrade again. So when Ilona finally entered the conference room, a big smile spread on his face. As everybody gathered around and got seated, Ilona spotted Mitchell and responded with a smile. Mitchell waved her and thought they might have some time to talk after the meeting, but Ilona had different plans. Mitchell might have expected that Ilona might be happy about seeing him again, but he for sure hadn’t expected a hug. In public. In front of a dozen soldiers. So when Ilona released him again, he couldn’t help but laugh. “Good to see you, Ilona.”  
Ilona smirked and patted his shoulder. “We missed you.”  
Mitchell blushed and recognized how everybody, including Gideon – smiling his rarely warm smile – stared at them. Mitchell froze in place, a little embarrassed. He didn’t like to be in the spotlight and cleared his throat uncomfortably. “We should take seat. The commander’s arrived.”  
Ilona nodded, frowning about his behavior until she saw how everybody had fallen silent and continued to stare at them.  
“What you’re looking at, idiots? Never seen old comrades unite? Get a life, ladies.”  
With that, she marched to her seat, followed up by a laughing Mitchell.  
“I told you she’s still a pain in the ass”, Gideon mumbled as Mitchell sat down next to him and his squad.

The night after the briefing, Mitchell didn’t sleep very well. He didn’t like to admit it, but he was nervous. Thinking the plan over and over, he couldn’t stop from asking himself if that was a good idea. The Atlas rebel camp was stationed at the mountains, 100 kilometers west. Their viewpoint was better and they’d see if aircrafts were arriving, so they literally had to march into the enemy’s territorial not to be discovered too early. That meant marching at least 10 kilometers through the desert sun and Mitchell hated nothing more than marching. But still, he was excited to get back to work, to do what needed to be done. To fight at Gideon’s side. It was three o’clock when he finally fell asleep and four o’clock when the wake-up-siren rang.

Mitchell knew he wouldn’t be able to keep any breakfast inside and so he met up with the others at the armory to arm himself.  
“Morning Mitchell.” He was greeted by Dex, who handed him a huge Machine gun.  
“Been told that was your favorite one?”  
“Yeah.” Mitchell reluctantly replied. “Good gun, stable aiming.”  
“May she bring you luck.”  
“Thanks. What you’re working with?”  
Dex showed his rifle to him. “This lady. I called her Marble.”  
“May Marble snipe us a save way inside the camp.”  
“You can bet on that.”  
Mitchell nodded at the rest of the squad, packing up his stuff, grabbing grenades and checking his arm over for the seemingly zillionth time.  
“Why did you miss breakfast, private? Didn’t you hear the alarm, lazy bone?”  
Mitchell flinched at the whisper next to his ear and turned around.  
“I wasn’t hungry, captain.”  
Gideon arched his brows. “Kidding me? You’re a food killing machine. You’re always hungry.”  
“I was busy.”  
“Alright.”  
Gideon frowned and walked away.  
Mitchell watched him putting on his bulletproof vest and swallowed.  
Something didn’t feel right about this. Something about this plan wasn’t utterly convincing. Something about watching Gideon arming himself made his chest tighten.  
Mitchell sighed and shook off the bad thoughts, decided to focus on the mission.

The panic came flooding in when the aircraft took off. It was what the psychiatrist had been warning him about before allowing him to get back to duty. He remembered the man’s calm voice telling him how it was normal to be traumatized. “Prepare for fear, Mitchell. Not just a rush of adrenaline. Fear. What you went through might have changed you forever. Don’t swallow that fear. It’s keeping you alive. Embrace it. It’s what keeps you human.” Mitchell forced himself to breathe slowly, to count to ten. Within this ten seconds, he allowed himself to shake in panic. When he arrived at eleven, the fear was gone. He was ready to fight. The aircraft landed, they got out and the marching began.  
Mitchell wasn’t afraid at all.

He didn’t recognize how Gideon kept a worried eye on him.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the mission continues, all hell breaks loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised some action to you, so here it finally comes.  
> Sorry it took me so long to update, but I had to work plus I had to write two essays for university and didn't find the time to continue. I hope I'll be able to update more frequently now.
> 
> By the way: Thanks for every comment and all the Kudos again! That really means a lot to me <3

3

They split into the planned groups just two miles from the enemy camp. Mitchell, to no ones surprise, teamed up with Gideon, Dex, a guy called Chuck, Ilona and a member of her squad, Sally Carter. Unpacking their climbing-equipment, they prepared to climb the rock that separated them from their target position.  
“Once we’re up there, find a nice place to support us, Dex.”  
“Aye, captain.”  
Gideon nodded and started climbing up, followed by Mitchell, Dex, Chuck, Sally and Ilona. 

Mitchell felt sweat pouring from his forehead as the climbing continued for more than five minutes. The sun was burning on his back and he skeptically looked at his implant all the way up. Climbing wasn’t really what this thing had been build for, but it worked. There wasn’t any malfunction but Mitchell was glad no one knew he was scared as shit there could be one. If he fell down this rock from this height, the safety rope might not catch him without tearing everyone else down as well. The panic flooded his body and Mitchell closed his eyes, tried to focus on his breath, when something touched his shoulder. It was one of Gideon’s feet. “Oi, Mitchell!”  
Mitchell looked up to his captain who had already nearly reached the rock’s edge.  
The private didn’t like the look on Gideon’s face. It showed a mixture of anger and worry.  
“What?”  
“Don’t fall asleep, private.”  
“I didn’t….”  
“Shut up.”  
Gideon reached the top of the rock, reached out for Mitchell’s natural hand and pulled him up the last few centimeters. The others followed quickly and they took cover beyond some large stones. Nobody said another word. 

While Dex prepared his stand beyond cover and checked his gun over, the others bend over a card and Ilona explained their next steps.  
“Sally and I will enter the camp from here.” She put her finger on some point on the map of the camp that had once – long before terrorists captured the place - been a town. “We’ll try to get rid of the guards at the southwest entrance and make our way to what we suppose to be the command centre.”  
Gideon nodded. “I’ll cover the northwest entrance with Mitchell. We meet up here.” He pointed at a place on the map that was close to the suspected command centre of the rest of the Atlas gang. “Chuck will stay here, covering Dex, who will cover us. If anything goes wrong, Chuck is our reinforcement.”  
“Alright.” Ilona nodded and looked at Sally, who was already loading her gun.  
“Let’s do this.”

They split up. While Dex and Chuck stayed on the rock because of better sight, Mitchell and Gidon climbed down at the other side of the rock and marched to the northwest. Ilona and Sally marched southbound.

Mitchell felt that it was way too easy to get to the northwest entrance. Nobody was in sight and Dex reported the place as “clear” from his spotting place above them.  
“Ilona?” Gideon whispered over the coms.  
“Yes?”  
“Any contact yet?”  
“None.”  
“You find that suspicious as well?”  
“Hell, yes.”  
“Dex?”  
“Yes, captain?”  
“Movement behind our entrance?”  
“Two guards, light-armed, strolling around in boredom”  
“The other side of the rock, Chuck?”  
“Clear.”  
Ilona sighed over the coms.  
“Guards at the southwest entrance?”  
“Three. Better armed than the ones at the other entrance.”  
Ilona chuckled.  
“Seems like we’re closer to anything important.”  
“You need Chuck?” Gideon asked and Mitchell smirked as he heard Ilona snort.  
“We’re entering, sentinel, do you copy?”  
“Copy, Alpha Two.”  
“Alpha one entering as well. Copy sentinel?”  
“Copy.”  
Gideon waited for Mitchell’s reaction and the private locked his eyes with the captain. For less than a second, doubt washed over their faces, but then Mitchell simply nodded and they started marching into hell.

The enemy fire started from out of nowhere. Mitchell and Gideon barely even managed to run back where they had come from and to find cover behind the brick wall surrounding the camp, while Ilona shouted “contact at the south-west!” over the coms.  
“You’re alright Mitchell?” Gideon shouted, covering from the bullet-hail raining over their heads. Mitchell nodded. “You’re okay, Captain?”  
The older man ignored his question, got up for a second and threw a grenade over the brick wall.  
“Fuck me.” Gideom murmured angrily. “Where the hell did they all come from, Dex? Why didn’t you spot them?”  
Dex didn’t answer and Gideon exchanged a worried look with Mitchell who was trying to sneak around the edge of the wall in order to spot the firing enemy’s position.  
“Dex, do you copy?”  
The coms stayed silent.  
“DEX?”  
“If you’d shut up for a second, Captain, I might be able to kill those bastards. Do you copy?”  
Gideon snorted with anger.  
The air vibrated with the sound of two Mosin-shots, then another five.  
“Area cleared.” Dex announced.  
“What about Ilona’s side?”  
“They alredy took every enemy out before I could fire a single shot.”  
Mitchell couldn’t hold back a smirk. That sounded like Ilona.

Gideon didn’t like the way this situation was developing. The plan had been to silently switch the guards off, but the contact with the soldiers that had suddenly appeared from wherever must have brought a lot of the enemies’ attention to them. This wasn’t a mission to be carried on a few soldier’s shoulders. Infiltrating the place silently was possible with two small squads from every side, yes, but without the element of surprise, they’d be outnumbered very quickly. Continuing seemed like a fairly bad Idea.  
“Alright. Sentinel, Alpha one speaking. We had some contact, but the area’s cleared now. We might have lost our cover. They know we’re here now. I’d recommend to cancel the mission. Copy?”  
“Suggestion declined, captain. You’ll finish the mission. Copy?”  
Gideon nodded his head in silence and Mitchell swallowed. He didn’t like to see Gideon in doubt. He knew his captain wasn’t one to step away from conflict. If he thought a mission to be too dangerous, it usually was.  
After hesitating a few seconds, Gideon finally smirked bitterly and answered.  
“Copy, Sentinel. We’re going in.”  
“Copied, Alpha one.”

Gideon waved Mitchell over to him. “We’ve gotta change the plan.”  
Mitchell raised his eyebrows in question.  
“We’re not going to split up the way it was originally planned. Now they know we’re here, that’s too dangerous. You stay behind me, private, we take the left flank and stay close to the inside of the wall. Copy that?”  
“What if it’s a trap?”  
Gideon hesitated for a second.  
“If that’s a fucking trap, we’re already caught up inside it.”  
From then on, there was only whispering.  
While slowly moving inside and taking cover behind every possible protection every few meters, they were informed by Ilona, that she and Sally did like them as well. For a moment, it seemed as if they wouldn’t be attacked again. And then they heard a shot, followed by an agonized scream.  
Gideon threw himself to the floor, pulling Mitchell down with him.  
“Ilona, Sally, Dex, Chuck! Are you alright?”  
“Chuck was hit. We need to change position. Fire continues.”  
“Is he KIA?”  
“No.”  
“How bad is it?”  
“Pretty bad.”  
“Get him out of there, call for a medic and require evacuation for him. Change position and report.”  
“Copy, captain.”

Gideon got up to his feet again and kicked a large stone away in rage.  
“Fuck!”  
“How could they know where they were hiding?”  
“Dex fired! That blew his cover. Goddamnit.”  
“What now?”  
“We kill those fuckers.”  
Mitchell chuckled and checked the area in front on them.  
“They’re only waiting for us to make one wrong move.”  
“But we won’t. See that building with the green door?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Doesn’t that reflection behind the window look fucking suspicious to you?”  
“Hell yeah, it does.”  
“Stay put, I’ll check it out. Cover my back.”  
“Alright.”

Mitchell took cover beyond a transporter and spotted the place around the house, but everything seemed calm. He watched Gideon slowly sneaking over to the house, until he had made his way to the entrance.  
“I’ll go in. You stay there.”  
“Gideon, wait. The reflection’s moving.”  
“Don’t shoot until I tell you to.”  
“But I…”  
“Don’t shoot, private!”  
Mitchell swallowed but didn’t say another word and watched Gideon enter the building.  
Fear crawled up Mitchell’s skin as the seconds ticked by.  
“Ground floor’s clear. I’ll check upstairs. Any movement around the house?”  
“No movement out here. Shall I follow?”  
“No, I don’t want to be shot in the back and we don’t have a sniper watching over us.”  
“Be careful, Gideon. There must be at least two of them up there.”  
There was another second of painful silence, then the sound of splintering glass, then a quiet swearing.  
“Fuck.”  
“What is it?”  
“They heard me. Shoot at the window Mitchell, now!”  
Mitchell saw the reflection moving and started to shoot, but he wasn’t quick enough to hit anything.  
The next thing he heard was a hail of bullets being fired and Gideon screaming “Contact!”

Mitchell quickly ran over to the house in zigzag steps and entered the building. He spotted one of the enemies and shot him right through the head just in time to keep him from shooting Gideon, who was busy fighting off another guy who was attacking him with his knife and already had brought him to the floor.  
“Gideon, watch out!” Mitchell warned, before shooting the other guy in his leg.  
The Atlas soldier fell to the side but still held up his gun, so Mitchell only waited until Gideon had crawled out of the field of fire before he shot the guy again. This time in the back. “Go, check if the place is clear, Mitchell!” Gideon ordered him and Mitchell did as he was told without even looking at his captain and without a second of hesitation.  
As soon as he was sure that there wasn’t anybody else hiding inside the house, he took the stairs back down. “Place is clear. Good sight from above. If we could get Dex here…”

Mitchell had just returned downstairs, when a weak whisper made him flinch.  
“Come over here Mitchell. I might be needing some help.”  
It was the hearable pain in Gideon’s voice that made Mitchell panic before he even looked at him and realized what had happened. Storming over to his friend who lay on the floor inside a pool of what Mitchell worriedly assumed to be his own blood, he nearly freaked out. “My god, Gideon!” Seeing the state in which he found his captain nearly froze the private’s blood.  
Mitchell kneeled down beside Gideon and looked over the damage that had been done.  
Gideon had apparently been hit by two bullets. One must’ve hit him right above his hip, the other one - and Mitchell swallowed as he recognized this – must’ve hit his upper leg. And as if the badly bleeding bullet wounds weren’t enough, he saw that Gideon was holding his stomach. “Let me see this.” Gideon winced at Mitchell touching his hands and Mitchell locked eyes with him. “We’ll fix this.”  
“It’s not even that bad.”  
But Gideon’s breaking voice told another story.  
Gideon looked at Mitchell, trying to hide the pain that showed on his face and shook his head. “You need to get out of here, Mitchell. They’ll be coming for us in no time…”  
“Shut the fuck up, idiot.”  
Mitchell lifted Gideon’s hands to check what was hiding beyond them and panicked.  
Gideon had been stabbed.  
“It’s gonna be alright, Gideon, I promise.” He quickly touched Gideon’s shoulder, pressing it in reassurance.  
Everything inside him went auto-pilot, killing all the feelings that only stood inside his way if he wanted to help. Mitchell forced himself to breathe calmly, to stay focused and he kept himself from feeling the pain inside his chest that emerged from worrying about his best friend. He was going to get Gideon out of here. They both would survive this day. Everything was going to be alright. It had to.  
So without further hesitation, he covered Gideon’s wound with his hands, put pressure on it and ignored the screaming that emerged from Mitchell even touching the captain. “Calm down, okay, Gideon?”  
He locked eyes with his captain again and felt thankful for him at least being conscious.  
Gideon just nodded and another wave of worry washed over Mitchell. To see that Gideon didn’t even try to swear scared the shit out of the private.  
“I’m gonna take care of that in a second, okay? Just let me ask for help.”  
Gideon nodded, swallowed and closed his eyes.  
“Stay awake, Gideon!” Mitchell quickly softly slapped his cheeks with his natural hand, leaving a trace of Gideon’s own blood on his face, as the older man jolted awake again. It was that very moment that Mitchell couldn’t hide his panic any longer. Forgetting that he’d better be whispering, he shouted into the coms.  
“Sentinel! Alpha one speaking! We got a critically injured soldier. Medic and evacuation needed immediately! Copy that?”  
The coms stayed silent.  
“Goddamnit! Sentinel! Do you copy?!”  
The only thing they heard was a loud beeping noise that hurt inside their ears.  
The enemy had shut down the radio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me :D  
> It breaks my heart to hurt Gideon so badly but it's all for the sake of the drama ;)
> 
> How did you like the chapter anyway? It took me ages to write it, since I'm awful with writing fighting scenes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitchell will help Gideon survive this. Or at least he'll try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the positive feedback! Re-Kudos to all of you <3

4

The pain was nearly unbearable. Every part of Gideon’s body seemed to hurt and Gideon wouldn’t have even been able to localize where it was coming from, in case he didn’t remember where the bullets did hit and the knife had stabbed him. Unfortunately, he did remember. It had taken him by surprise how fast the two Atlas soldiers had been. The first shot had hit him right before he was able to fire a single shot himself. Ignoring the pain, he had managed to send back a hail of bullets. None of them had apparently hit anything but one of the attacker’s hands, who immediately dropped his gun and pulled out his knife instead. Gideon didn’t really remember what happened after one of the guys had brought him to the floor or how Mitchell had managed to get rid of both enemies. Everything was a bit of a blur. The only thing he was able to focus on was his job. His job and the desperate attempt to keep breathing.   
Due to a rush of adrenaline, it took some time until weakness washed over his body. He had managed not to scream in agony or to panic or – even worse – to pass out for quite some time. It wasn’t until he recognized the sadness inside Mitchell’s puppy eyes that he couldn’t bear it any longer. He heard himself making a helpless joke and even managed to voice his last sane command, ordering Mitchell to flee, but then there was nothing but fear and pain and his mind going blank.

The pressure of Mitchell’s hands on his stomach lifted the agony to a whole new level and his conscience didn’t even bother him any longer with making him feel ashamed about screaming. He felt his breathing get uneven and nearly fell into the darkness embracing his mind, until Mitchell carefully slapped him. Jolting awake, his mind succeded in breaking the surface of the sea of pain that tried to drown him and his vision came to focus. He felt the soft touch of Mitchell’s Hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye. The private’s voice helped to calm him down a little and Gideon was Gideon again for a second. Listening to Mitchell who was calling sentinel for help, he felt a wave of pride washing over him for the private staying focused and calm. He’d never ever admit it, but he was glad Mitchell didn’t leave him. He was not very keen to die, and besides, he was worried that once Mitchell got out of the house, he might be shot as well. He nearly got himself so far to allow some hope. He thought that maybe they’d be evacuated quickly and he wouldn’t bleed to death in the middle of nowhere. But that was only until the radio stayed silent and Gideon understood that they were completely alone in this.

“Mitchell!”  
Gideon tried to get the private’s attention who kept shouting into the coms for help.  
It didn’t work. “Mitchell! Stop screaming! They’ll find us even faster if you make so much noise!”  
Mitchell suddenly stopped.

It took Mitchell a second to fight back the panic, before he went back into soldier mode.  
“Okay. Everything is going to be okay. First I will…find something to fix this.”  
He looked down at Gideon, who’s wounds kept bleeding horribly. His own trousers were already soaked with his captain’s blood and his hands putting pressure on the stab-wound didn’t seem to help at all. Besides, he hadn’t even had the time to look at the other injuries. Mitchell tried to shake off the burning inside his chest and wanted to get on his feet, when Gideon suddenly grabbed his hand.  
“Don’t.”  
He recognized that his captain’s voice was no longer anything but a whisper.  
Mitchell immediately put his movements to a halt.  
“Gideon, I need to find something to fix this.”  
“If you keep moving, they’ll see you running around and you’ll get shot.”  
“But I got to bandage your wounds!”  
“It’s okay, Mitchell. You’re no medic.”  
Gideon tried to smirk, but it ended up as a painful grimace.  
“No. But I’m not gonna let you bleed to death.”  
With that, he grabbed Gideon’s hands and placed them back on the stomach-wound.   
“Put pressure on that!” Getting on his feet carefully and out of sight of any window, Mitchell got out of his jacket and T-shirt, now only wearing an undershirt.  
Afterwards, he reached for his combat knife and cut the T-Shirt into rags.  
Kneeling down to Gideon again, he looked him in the eye.  
“Ok. This is gonna hurt pretty bad, but I’ll hurry up, I promise.”  
Gideon simply nodded without protest which scared the hell out of Mitchell.  
“Can you sit?”  
Gideon frowned. “Of course.”  
Trying to sit up, the older man let out an agonized groaning.  
Mitchell sighed about the brit’s stubbornness and held him back.  
“Wait.”  
Carefully crawling a few centimeters in the direction of Gideon’s head, trying desperately not to be seen from the outside, Mitchell grabbed the captain’s shoulders and helped him to sit up. Understanding Gideon wasn’t able to stay in that position without help, Mitchell sat behind him, causing Gideon to sit between his legs and lean on him.  
“I’ll kill you for that later…”  
Mitchell smirked and without further hesitation, he then lifted Gideon’s arms and got him out of jacket, shirt and undershirt. Gideon let out a suppressed hiss and Mitchell swallowed as he felt Gideon tense up and convulse in pain.

Gently placing Gideon’s body back on the floor, Mitchell crawled back to his side and started taking care of the stab-wound. It looked even worse than Mitchell had thought. It was deep and still bleeding and Mitchell wasn’t sure if any Organs had been hurt. But Gideon was right, Mitchell wasn’t a medic, so all he could do was to clean the wound and put around the made-up bandages he had cut from his T-Shirt. When he took out his canteen, Gideon’s eyes widened in panic. Mitchell took his hand and pressed it. “I have to do this.” “Please don’t.” Mitchell swallowed, and without another warning, he poured some water on the wound and tried to clean at least bits of the surface from sand and dust. Gideon’s groans nearly drove Mitchell insane and he felt Gideon was about to break his hand.  
“Shhht. I know, Gideon, I know. It’s gonna be over soon. I promise.”  
Gideon, who was now in a state somewhere between awake and unconscious, didn’t react. Mitchell put his worries aside and continued because he had to.  
Bandaging the wound and lifting Gideon’s body just a bit, Mitchell wrapped the makeshift bandage it tightly around Gideon’s upper body.   
Gideon bit his lip and squinted his eyes in agony and Mitchell had to force himself not to get emotional. He had to function. Once he allowed the dangerous water to flood his eyes, he wouldn’t be able to keep his shit together.  
But still, he couldn’t hold himself back from softly stroking Gideon’s forehead.   
“It’s gonna be alright mate, just hold on.”  
Gideon opened his eyes and managed to put on a hint of a smile. “Okay.”  
Mitchell wished he had the time to comfort Gideon any further, but they had to hurry up before the blood-loss got too much for the injured soldier.  
Mitchell knew that Gideon wouldn’t be able to get out of his trousers – even with Mitchell’s help, it would be too much pain and Gideon might even scream and pass out. So Mitchell just slightly pulled them down to be able to bandage the bullet wound at Gideon’s hip that – thank god the bullet got stuck and therefore didn’t hit any organs – had already nearly stopped bleeding. He then made the rather radical decision to cut off the trousers right above Gideon’s left knee. That would spare time and pain and he would still be able to take care of the bullet that had hurt the older man’s leg.  
To Mitchell’s utter horror, the bullet was apparently stuck deep inside the flesh of Gideon’s leg and the bleeding was still pretty bad. But lucky enough, no artery had been hit. If that had been the case, Gideon might have already died. Mitchell started cutting his jacket into more rags and bandaged the wound, trying not to constrict the leg. Not yet.  
When he was finally done, he allowed himself to look at Gideon’s face.  
The captain was looking at him with a mixture of pain, embarassement and gratitude.  
And then, he finally passed out.

Gideon awoke from the noise of heavy gunfire and immediately tried to get on his feet. He quickly found out that he couldn’t. He wasn’t even able to open his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know. It's short and nothing really happens. I wanted it to be longer but this week has been killing me....  
> hope you still liked it a little :)
> 
> There will be some fluffyness and danger and dialogue and swearing in the next chapter. Promise.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is running out for Gideon, but him and Mitchell are trapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here comes another chapter :)  
> It again is rather short but it finally got a lot more dialogue and friendship development and...stuff.  
> I hope you enjoy it. I had a lot of fun writing this one, because.... fluff <3
> 
> Tell me how you liked it, if you want :)  
> I'm happy about every bit of feedback!

5.

 

Never had Mitchell been more glad about the fact that he was a quiet capable shooter. Leaning out of the window, he took out the approaching attackers one by one, until there only remained silence. Mitchell swallowed. He wasn’t a fucking sniper and his weapon hadn’t exactly been built for situations like this, but his position was an advantage. 

Carrying the unconscious Gideon up the stairs of the dirty old building hadn’t been easy and there might have been better ideas than hiding at the place they’d first been outnumbered at, but the private hadn’t really seen any alternative. The coms still stayed silent, radio didn’t work, Ilona and Sally or any reinforcement weren’t in sight and he sure as hell wouldn’t leave Gideon here. Especially not since he knew that the Atlas terror cell was famous for capture and torture. 

Besides, the window on the first level gave him some oversight on the situation and they could only be attacked from one side: The stairs. This never happened, because Mitchell listened carefully to the noises surrounding them and so, besides distant gunfire he heard footsteps on the sand every now and then. None of the approaching attackers ever made it through to the house. Mitchell was sure this wouldn’t be working out forever, but until the radio went back on, there was nothing to do for him but to hope that Ilona and the other squads kept most of the enemies busy, and therefore, away from their ambush. 

Carrying Gideon out of the camp wasn’t an option anyway, since once they got out of the building, they’d be way too vulnerable and Mitchell couldn’t fight a herd of attackers on his own.

Waiting was all that Mitchell could do. Waiting was what would kill Gideon sooner or later. The private knew that Gideon needed proper medical attention and every second that passed without the radio working again and without Gideon waking up was a second that brought Mitchell closer to insanity.

So when he heard Gideon groan, Mitchell, who’s senses were on more than full alert, flinched and immediately turned from the window to check on his captain.  
Kneeling down to the older soldier, he carefully touched his shoulder.   
“Gideon? You hear me?”   
The answer was a painful groan and Mitchell swallowed.  
“Hold on, Gideon, okay? Help’s coming.”  
The private wasn’t much of a liar normally, but what else should he do? He for sure wouldn’t tell Gideon that their situation was more than bad. In fact, he actually tried not to admit it to himself.

Suddenly, Gideon’s eyes opened and looked rather unfocused into Mitchell’s.  
“Where…?”  
Mitchell shook his head at the weak whisper.  
“Shh. Don’t talk. We’re inside the house. I got us upstairs.”  
Gideon’s eyes widened in panic.  
“You need to get out of here, Mitchell!”  
“Shut up.” Mitchell couldn’t hide the anger in his voice.   
How could Gideon even dare to think that he would leave him here?   
“Stop that heroic shit and run. I’m fucked up anyway.”  
“You’re not. You are not going to die. You will survive this and you’ll be getting on my nerves for years.”  
“Never understood the thing about optimism.”  
Gideon tried to smirk but ended up looking rather desperate.  
Mitchell shook his head. “Just stop it. Please.”  
“I’m not an idiot, you know. I know I’m bleeding out.”  
Mitchell blinked, trying to hold back the water that suddenly flooded his eyes.  
“Don’t say that. I’ll get you out of here. I promise. You hear me? I fucking promise!”  
Gideon noticed Mitchell’s shaking voice and glimmering eyes and swallowed.  
Pulling together all of his remaining strength, Gideon slowly lifted his hand and lay it on Mitchell’s natural one.  
“Thank’s, mate.”  
Mitchell shrugged. “It’s what you did for me.”  
They fell silent and Gideon failed at hiding his painful agony any longer.  
Groaning, he blinked and tried to keep himself contained, but he couldn’t.

The pain came in like waves washing over him. As long as he wasn’t fully conscious, it was bearable, but as soon as his brain got out of the dark clouds, his body started to feel like one big, pulsing wound. Tears of pain and, yes, fear, flooded his eyes and he no longer succeeded in holding them back. It felt utterly embarrassing to him to cry in front of anyone, and, even worse, in front of his best friend.

Mitchell noticed how the older man kept fighting against his own weakness and got up to get his canteen and the remainings of Gideon’s undershirt. Pouring some water at a part of the cloth that wasn’t soaked in blood, he bend over Gideon again.  
Carefully wiping the sweat and tears from Gideon’s face, Mitchell couldn’t keep himself from stroking the captain’s cheek softly. “I know it hurts, but you will pull through. It’s gonna be okay. Just try to relax.”

Gideon, to Mitchell’s utter surprise, leaned into the touch and visibly relaxed a bit for a second. Then a violent caugh filled the air and Mitchell knew this shit was getting even worse.

 

As soon as Mitchell understood that Gideon had just started to cough blood, a Tsunami of panic washed over him. “Gideon!”  
Carefully shoving his arms under his upper body, Mitchell helped Gideon to sit up so he couldn’t choke on his own blood. But it wasn’t only the coughing that nearly freaked Mitchell out. It was feeling how Gideon was shaking in pain and fear.

“Calm down, mate. Try to breathe slowly.”  
Gideon kept coughing and the shaking got worse.   
“I can’t….” he was interrupted by another violent cough “…breathe…”  
Mitchell swallowed. If Gideon’s lungs were collapsing, that’d be it.   
Praying that it was only the fear that made the breathing so hard, he just tried to calm the suffering man. “Okay, I’ll…” Mitchell pulled Gideon’s body further up and got to sit behind his back, so Gideon was placed between his legs once again.  
“Just lean on me. I’m here for you. Try to calm down.”  
Gideon kept coughing and gasping for air.  
Mitchell reached forward and grabbed his hand.  
“Try to breathe with me, okay? In, and out. Slowly. In and out. Just focus on breathing.”  
Gideon tried to do as he was told while his lungs felt like a bursting vacuum and the coughing left his throat burning. Listening to Mitchell’s voice that kept murmuring reassuring words into his ear, he finally managed to focus and the coughing stopped. Oxygen flooded his lungs and the shivering declined. Letting his head fall on Mitchell’s shoulder, the older man relaxed.  
“Thank you.” His voice sounded rougher than ever.  
Mitchell ruffled through Gideon’s hair. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”  
“Don’t ever fucking tell anyone I’m actually leaning on you.”  
Mitchell chuckled.  
“I won’t.”  
“Great.”   
Gideon felt his nose touching the skin of Mitchell’s neck and smirked as Mitchell flinched at the touch.  
Breathing in the delicate smell of Mitchell’s cologne and very own scent, he closed his eyes, smiling a little. The pain still drove him insane, but anyhow, he felt like this wouldn’t be the worst way to die. As much as he wanted to pull through, a tiny part of his mind just wanted to let go, to relax into Mitchell’s warm touch and slide into the darkness. He had always feared he might be dying alone one day. The one thing he didn’t feel this very moment was alone.

“Gideon, you’re still there?”  
Hearing the fear in Mitchell’s voice, Gideon understood how selfish his wish to let go must be, so he forced himself to pull away from the darkness embracing his mind and opened his eyes. “Better than ever, Jack.”   
“You never called me Jack before.”  
“I never got stabbed before.”  
“That’s your only apology? You can do better.”  
“I remember I actually wanted to call you Mitch. You like that better?”  
“Not at all.”  
“Okay, Mitch.”  
“You’re a pain in the ass.”  
“Same goes for you, idiot.”  
“Nice we had that clarified.”  
“Yeah.”  
They fell silent again and Mitchell went back to observing the noises around them. It was suspiciously calm and the private was sure that wasn’t a good sign.

“So they killed our radio?”  
“Stop talking.”  
“If I don’t, I fall asleep. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever wake up again once I do that.” Gideon coughed again and spit blood on the floor, but it didn’t get as bad as it had been before.  
Mitchell sighed.  
“I don’t know what they did or how they did it, but I can’t reach anyone.”  
“Which means we’re trapped.”  
“I don’t…”  
“Stop fucking lying to me, Mitch. Just because I’m hurt, I’m not stupid.”  
“Yeah, we’re trapped.”  
“But they didn’t find us yet. That’s…”  
“Weird, I know. I’ve taken out a small squad from above but they must have noticed that they didn’t come back.”  
“That leaves two possibilities.”  
“Which are?”  
“Either the other squads have been way more successful than us, or, and I guess that shit might actually be true, this whole thing has been a fucking trap and they’re letting us bleed dry. In my case – literally.”  
Ignoring Gideon’s remark about bleeding dry, Mitchell frowned.  
“Somebody would’ve needed to inform them about our plans…”  
“Yep. Well concluded, Sherlock.”  
“But who would betray us like that?”  
“That’s the fucking question, right? If you get out of here alive, you need to tell Ilona about this. She’s the only one I really trust.”  
“You can tell her yourself.”  
Gideon was shaken by another violent cough and swallowed, his face a painful grimace.  
“Yeah, of course.”  
“Hey Gid?”  
Gideon rolled his eyes in annoyance.  
“What?”  
“Try not to die today, okay? I…I couldn’t bear this.”  
“People die, Mitch. You’ll get over it.”  
“I know that ‘people’ do that. But I can’t lose you. I already watched Will die.”  
“If you don’t want to watch somebody die, you’d better be going by now.”  
“Can you not be like that? Just once?”  
Tilting his head, Gideon tried to turn enough to look Mitchell in the eye.  
“I’m sorry, Mitchell. I really am. But I can’t promise.”  
“I know. It’s just…”  
“What?”  
Mitchell hesitated, scratched the back of his head and then shook it.  
“Nevermind.”  
Mitchell swallowed and looked away and Gideon dropped his gaze, feeling the darkness closing around him once more. But at that very second, a miracle happened. 

“Gideon? Mitchell? Alpha one? Are you receiving? Anyone?”  
Ilona’s voice came in over the coms.


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is running out but Mitchell won't dare to admit it.  
> So in order to save Gideon, he makes a rather radical decision.

6.  
Mitchell nearly sprung to his feet in excitement but remembered quickly enough that this would be a rather bad idea, since Gideon still sat between his legs.  
“Ilona! It’s Mitchell! Where the hell are you?”  
“Good to hear you’re alive. We made it to the command centre. You didn’t appear at the meeting point. What happened?”  
“Gideon’s pretty badly injured and then the radio didn’t work and…”  
“Gideon is what?”  
“Calm the fuck down, Ilona. I’m alive.”  
“What the hell happened?”  
“Can we sort that our later? Are you able to contact Sentinel? We need evacuation immediately!”  
“I can’t. Seems you’re the only one receiving. Sally’s working on it. They hacked into our radio. We’re trying to fix this.”  
Gideon cleared his throat “So we’re the only ones you’re able to contact.”  
“At the moment? Yes. They are disturbing our communication and Sally needs to sort this out. We’re trying to get to sentinel, but…it might take a while.”  
“Why the hell can we talk but you can’t reach any of the others?”  
“I have no idea.”  
“Fuck.” Mitchell ran his hand through his hair nervously.  
“I need to get Gideon out of here.”  
“Ok…we’ll manage this. Where are you?”  
“At a house less than a mile beyond the camp-border.”  
“Why don’t you try and run out of the danger zone? They know we’re here! We had some pretty nasty contact. You can’t stay there!”  
“I know that, but I can’t get us out of here alone. I don’t have any idea if we’re being watched.”  
“Ok. We’re coming to get you.”  
“Ilona, you’re too far away. There are too many of them for you to take out alone.”  
“I’m not on my own. The rest of my squad made it to the command centre as well. I’ll take one of them with me and leave Sally to the radio. Don’t move.”  
“Ilona! That’s not gonna work out…”  
“Shut up, Mitchell.”  
“Seriously, Ilona. I don’t know how long we might stay unrecognized.”  
“Alright, we’ll arrange a diversionary tactic. That draws their attention to the command centre and keeps you out of danger.”  
“That’s insanity! Don’t…”  
“It’s none of your business to give orders to a captain, private.”  
After that, the radio went silent again.

“Fuck!” Mitchell cursed and sighed.  
“They won’t be here within less than an hour”, Gideon mumbled weakly.  
“If they hurry up, they might…”  
“No. They won’t.”  
“You just need to hang on a little while longer, okay?”  
Gideon swallowed. “Can you do me a favor?”  
“That depends.”  
“Can we be realistic for a second?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I’ve known you long enough to know you’re not a complete idiot. So I guess you know I’ll be dead within an hour.”  
“You won’t.”  
“Shut up, Mitchell. I’m tired. They won’t be here soon enough. I lost too much blood. And this house is weak cover. You need to leave, Mitchell. Meet up with Ilona and get out of here. The longer you stay, the bigger the possibility that they find us and you get captured.”  
“Stop talking like that. They’re not gonna find us and besides, I got a gut. I can fight them off.”  
“You’ll run out of ammo, Mitchell.”  
“I can take yours. And the ammo of the guys we killed.”  
“You’re talking crap, you notice?”  
“I’m not talking crap. You’re the one doing that!”  
“I’m trying to be realistic, Mitchell. I just want you save, is that too fucking hard to understand?”  
“And I want you to survive, is that so fucking hard to believe?”  
Gideon smirked bitterly.  
“Well, the world is not a wish-granting-factory, right?”  
“Whatever you say, you’re not gonna make me leave.”  
“I can order you.”  
“You know I can be disobedient at times.”  
“You’re willing to make me beg?” Gideon mumbled and got shaken by another wave of heavy blood-coughing.  
“I’m willing for you to stop talking. Focus on breathing, would you?”  
“Don’t you fucking get it, Mitchell? I am dying. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just fucking leave me here to die in peace, goddamnit!”  
Mitchell swallowed and then he finally couldn’t take it any longer. Even if he blinked like an idiot, the water came rolling in and a tear rolled down his cheek.  
“I can’t leave you. Nobody gets left behind. It’s what you taught me.”

Gideon sighed. He noticed how Mitchell’s body was shaking behind him, heard how his voice trembled and concluded that the private must be crying. If it hadn’t been for the heavy knot in his chest that kept tightening, he might have made a joke about Mitchell being a sissy. The only problem was that he understood him. The only problem was that it hurt like hell to do this to the private. The only problem was that Gideon really didn’t want to die. But besides all that, Gideon felt there wasn’t much time left on his clock. Yes, he might last longer than an hour, since Mitchell had done some good work in his attempt to stop the wounds from bleeding, but he really didn’t believe Ilona would make it here within less than two hours really. After that, they would’ve to make it out of the camp and he would only be a burden making it harder for everyone to escape. Even if they made it out of the camp alive: There wasn’t any way to contact sentinel. There was no medic around, the aircraft was stationed miles away. He didn’t want Mitchell to carry him through the burning desert. There was no way for him to get out of this shit alive. If he really miraculously made it to a hospital, he might as well die of a sepsis.  
Gideon felt awfully tired. The icy fingers of unconsciousness kept reaching for him and the pain stayed hard to bear, even if he had gotten used to it. He already felt a fever emerging and fuck, he couldn’t take Mitchell any longer. Gideon was a tough guy and he always managed to keep sentimental stuff inside. He rarely ever got emotional. But this was different. He didn’t want Mitchell to watch him die as he guessed he would most possibly die a very ugly death. He didn’t want to do that to him. He didn’t want to act all well adjusted any longer. He needed to allow himself to drown in his own pain and sorrow. And he just couldn’t allow himself this weakness as long as Mitchell was around. As much as he was afraid to die alone and as much comfort Mitchell’s body behind him gave him, he couldn’t allow himself to be a selfish bastard. Not now.

“You did all you could do, Mitchell. And I’m thankful for that. But it’s time to let go. I’m not asking you to. I’m begging, okay? Just, for once, be a clever guy and run.”  
Mitchell stayed silent, shaking his head and wiping away the tears that came flooding out of his eyes.  
“Sometimes I’m not even sure if you’re a human being.”  
Gideon chuckled.  
“If you say so.”  
“I mean, you can’t really be that blind, can you?”  
“What the hell are you talking about?”  
“Nevermind.”

And with that, Mitchell got up, placing Gideon against the wall, so he could lean on it.  
Gideon smiled his rare in no way ironic smile and nodded.  
“Thanks mate. And don’t forget to trust nobody but Ilona until you found out who betrayed us.”  
Mitchell, who was busy loading his gun and checking the backside of the house through the window, didn’t answer. He just walked down the stairs carefully and disappeared from Gideon’s field of vision. The captain closed his eyes and bit his lip. Somewhere between sadness and relief, a shaking sigh left his mouth. But then suddenly, everything got flipped upside down, a burning pain ran trough his injured stomach and hip, and he opened his eyes in panic.

Understanding that Mitchell had lifted him on his shoulder, he lost control on his feelings.  
“Fuck me, Mitchell! I’ll kill you if you do that, you son of a bitch!!!”  
Mitchell started walking down the stairs again and checked the front side of the house.  
“Stop screaming, Gid. You’ll only draw their attention on us.”

Ilona had just taken out an enemy that had attacked her from behind, when the coms came to live and she heard Mitchell’s whisper.  
“Ilona, you’re there?”  
“I am. What is it?”  
“That diversionary tactic you’ve been talking about…would you mind starting it now?”  
“Mitchell, what are you up to?”  
“He sort of feels like suicide, I guess” Ilona swallowed as she heard that Gideon’s voice was layered with the usual sarcasm but also sounded very weak.  
“I’m getting us out of the camp.”  
“On your own? Are you stupid?”  
“It’s the only way to do this. I made it out of the house and a good hundred metres away. I can see three of those fucker’s guarding our way. I can’t take all of them out at once. If they heard an explosion or something…”  
“If we blow up the command centre now, that blows the last of our cover. And I don’t even know where the other squads are…”  
“You don’t need to set the camp on fire. Just…make a little noise and get away from there so they won't find you.”  
“Ok. I can arrange that.”  
“Ilona! Don’t …”  
“Sorry Gid, the private’s sorta right. If that helps to get you out of there…”  
“Am I the only fucking sane person in this squad?”  
“We’re not a squad any longer. I’m my own captain now, I don’t need to take you lame orders any longer.”  
“Ilona!”  
The Russian turned off the earpeace and got back down from the roof she’d been standing on to spot the surrounding.  
Returning to her squad, she shook her head. This was insanity. But if it needed insanity to save her favorite comrade, she didn’t care.

Five minutes of silence later, Mitchell heard a loud bang before felt a weird warmth floating around in the air. He turned around and saw a huge fireball surrounded by smoke. Ilona had just set the fucking camp on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, this is kind of weird but Ilona is badass, so I thought it would be like her to do that.  
> I hope Gideon wasn't to OOCish in this chapter....it's hard writing him weaker than ususal.
> 
> And yes, I stole the "wish granting factory" from "The fault in our stars". I'm terribly sorry :D
> 
> How did you like it anyway?


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gideon and Mitchell try to escape the camp and find a way to contact sentinel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I didn't update this for quiet some time!  
> I just sort of didn't find the time wo continue.  
> But here comes the new chapter - finally.  
> I hope you enjoy it.  
> It contains loads of awkward dialogue and -I hope- a little suspense.
> 
> :)

Mitchell watched five guards that he hadn’t been able to spot before the big bang running away and smiled. Finally, he had some hope that they might make it out of this hell.   
He just allowed himself a moment to breathe, when Gideon harshly pulled him down beyond cover by grabbing his implant. “I’ll kill you if we get out of here alive.”  
Mitchell flinched by the look that the older man gave him. It wasn’t uneasy to see that Gideon was more than angry. The private swallowed and decided to ignore Gideon’s fury for now. “Yeah, thank me later.”  
“You just made Ilona kill herself. Congratulations.”  
“I didn’t.”  
They heard some distinct gunfire and Mitchell stared at the floor.  
“Let’s go.”  
Pulling himself together, Mitchell lifted Gideon on his shoulder again and started running.

Of course, they didn’t get away that easy. Mitchell later asked himself why the hell he’d been so naïve not to check for more guards before he started running. Anyway, it didn’t take him long to jump behind cover and throw himself over Gideon, once the bullet grazed his left calf. Firing at the men running towards him, Mitchell didn’t notice the grenade next to his feet. It was Gideon who pulled together all of his remaining strength, fished for it while being buried under Mitchell’s body, and threw it back. Mitchell nearly fell backwards from the shockwave of the explosion that caused the Atlas Terrorist to fall into a billion little pieces and checked the place for more attackers, shot a sniper that was just trying to get onto a roof and allowed himself to get away from Gideon and sit next to him.  
“Are you alright?”  
“Dude. Seriously?”  
“What?”  
“Never fucking scare me like that again. Didn’t you see that fucking grenade?”  
“Erm…nope. Thanks for saving my ass.”  
“Our asses, Idiot. If we ever make it back to the camp, you’ll be doing a hundred extra-push-ups for this shit, private.”  
“Aye, captain. My bad. Sorry.”  
“Never wondered why you never got promoted? That’s the fucking reason. You don’t think! You just throw yourself over comrades manically without even taking a second to ask yourself whether it’s worth it!”  
“Shut up.”  
Lifting Gideon up again and running the last few meters out of the camp, he ignored Gideon’s continuing rant, the pain in his leg and Gideon’s “Fuck, Mitchell you’re bleeding! Stop running!”

But Mitchell didn’t stop until he reached the rock where they had split up into teams.  
Pausing for a second, he carefully put Gideon on the floor and sat down. He needed a break. The sun was burning hot, his feet and his back hurt, his heart was pounding way too fast in his chest and his leg, fuck, his leg hurt like hell.  
“Is anyone receiving?” he whispered into the coms without any hope.  
“Mitchell?”  
“Dex! Where the hell are you?”  
“Where the fuck are you? I got Chuck evacuated and then all hell broke loose. I couldn’t reach anybody…what the fuck happened? I had some nasty contact up here.”  
Gideon looked at Mitchell in panic and shook his head, his lips forming a silent “Don’t trust him!”.   
Mitchell hesitated a second.   
“Where is up here?”  
“On the rock. Had to move a bit to the east, ‘cause their snipers had an eye on me, but I guess they’re all busy with that explosion now. By the way, what the fuck was that?”  
“You still got your climbing equipment?”  
“Erm…yeah. Why? What…where’s Gideon?”  
“With me.”  
There was silence after that and Mitchell exchanged a look with Gideon, who frowned.  
“Let me talk to him.”  
“Why?”  
“’Cause I barely fucking know you. And ‘cause somebody in our squad must be a traitor.”  
“How do you know that?”  
“Bit suspicious they were sort of expecting us, right?”  
“And why should I believe you’re not the traitor?”  
“Maybe because I got shot into my fucking shoulder twice and didn’t run away, you wanker?!”  
Gideon snorted.  
“That’s not very convincing.”  
“Gideon?”  
“Hi, Dex.”  
“Where are you?”  
“Not sure if I should tell you, to be honest.”  
Dex sighed.  
“Ok. To be fair, I guess it’s normal, we don’t trust anyone now, right?”  
“Yeah. Thing is, Dex…Chuck was the first one to get hit. While he was guarding your position. Funny coincidence, right?”  
“That wasn’t my fault. That idiot didn’t stay beyond cover after I shot the guards. It was way too easy for their snipers to spot us and he kept walking around.”  
“You’re sure you didn’t shoot him? Not even accidentally?”, Gideon chuckled.  
“Are you fucking kidding me? I liked that idiot.”  
“Liked? Did he die?”, Mitchell asked.  
“I can’t tell. They send a medic and carried him away. Last thing I’ve seen of him. And since the coms didn’t work for hours, I don’t know anything else.”  
Mitchell exchanged a look with his captain again. They both shrugged, knowing that they needed Dex’s help in order to have a tiny chance to contact kingpin. Therefore, they needed to trust Dex.  
“Ok, Dex. We trust you. Move to our starting point and try to contact kingpin. They’re disturbing our signals, but apparently, we can still contact people who aren’t too far away. If you get out of the disturbance radius, this might work. Ask for…”  
Gideon swallowed and started coughing again. Mitchell gave him a worried look and continued his sentence. “A medic and immediate evacuation.”  
“Why would I trust you?”  
“That’s a fucking order, Corporal!”, Gideon managed to bark.  
“I…man I can’t…what if that’s a trick?”  
“Dex! Just do it!” Mitchell felt sorrow creeping up his spine. If Dex wouldn’t help them, they’d be completely lost in this.  
“Why?” Dex sounded calmer now, like he was really fighting with himself, like he really wanted an answer.  
“Because if you don’t, Gideon will die, okay? He’s bleeding to fucking death! So move your goddamned ass, you idiot, or I’ll climb up that rock with my bare hands just to slash you into tiny little pieces of stupidity!”  
Gideon arched his brows and stared at Mitchell, a little worried and also amused, because he had never heard the private explode into swearing like that before.  
Mitchell looked at him and snorted. “What? You’re willing to survive this, or not?”  
Gideon slowly nodded, trying not to make Mitchell even more angry.  
“Dex, please. Mitchell might really tear you into pieces if you don’t move. We are no traitors, man. You know me.”  
“But I don’t know Mitchell.  
“I trust him. Till death. Which will, to be honest, knock on my door awfully soon if you don’t move your lazy ass.”  
Then there was silence and Mitchell’s loud angry breathing and more coughing from Gideon and desperation hanging in the air, ‘till a sigh in their ears let both the soldiers flinch. “Okay. Okay, I’ll do it, even if I think I’ll regret this. May I be damned if any of you is a traitor. I’ll hunt your bloody asses down in hell, if you are!”  
Mitchell sighed. “Thank you, Dex. Now go!”  
“On my way.”

There was nothing for them to do but wait.  
Leaning on the foot of the rock, Gideon and Mitchell sank into silence for a couple of minutes. Gideon finally broke that tense silence, when he recognized that the sand under Mitchell’s leg was turning red.  
“Mitchell, you really need to do something about your leg.”  
“Hm?”  
Mitchell looked down.  
“Oh. Yeah.”  
The younger man got out of his undershirt and used his knife to cut his last intact clothing into rags as well. Clenching his teeth together, he bandaged the bleeding wound as good as he could, leaned back on the rock and closed his eyes.  
“You’re okay?” Gideon’s rough voice made Mitchell open his eyes again.  
Mitchell chuckled. “It’s just a flesh wound. Never been better.”  
Gideon snorted. “Remember that day you nearly died on me? You said ‘Never been better’ back then.”  
“Remember that day you nearly died on me and kept telling me to leave you behind? Oh wait…that day is still not over!”  
Gideon let out an exhausted laughter.  
“Okay. You win.”  
Mitchell looked at him and went serious again.  
“You think you can pull through a little while longer?”  
“It’d be a shame to die now that you got us out of there, right?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I’ll just try not to stop breathing.”  
“That will do for now.”  
Mitchell locked eyes with Gideon and swallowed. Yes, there was hope now, but the way Gideon was weakly leaning against the rock and the way his voice had gotten even more rough and whispering and the pale color of his captain’s face didn’t really help to calm the younger man down. “I’m sorry.”  
“What for?”  
“New Baghdad. I scared the shit out of you, I know that. And I guess…I finally understand why you didn’t want me back onto the field so soon.”  
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”  
“No, I…mean this in a different way.”  
“Ah. I get it. Excuse accepted. You survived. Apology enough.”  
“You really think I got Ilona in danger?”  
Gideon hesitated, then shook his head. “Nah. Ilona has always been reckless. She will manage this. Even if you hadn’t convinced her to set the camp on fire, she would’ve searched for us. Wouldn’t make any difference. She’d been risking her ass for our asses anyways.”  
“As if we still were a squad.”  
“Yeah. A suicide squad.”  
Mitchell laughed.  
“We’ve been through worse.”  
“At least no one’s trying to intoxicate the whole planet.”  
“At least it’s not just the three of us against an army.”  
“At least your implant’s not malfunctioning.”  
They fell silent and Mitchell forced himself not to listen to hard to Gideon’s rattling breathing.   
Gideon tried to pull himself together every second that passed. He tried it just for Mitchell, since he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to last long enough to see an evac-team arrive. But he tried. He tried not to sink into the seductive darkness, he tried not to drown in his pain, he tried not to be overrun by panic. He tried. But he was afraid not to succeed. And this fear made him do things he’d normally be ashamed of.  
So grabbing Mitchell’s hand suddenly was some kind of a big deal for somebody as rough and hard on the outside as Gideon. It wasn’t new for him to hold this hand. It was only new that he did that while Mitchell could notice it, while he wasn’t unconscious.   
Feeling that Mitchell flinched but then pressed his hand in reassurance, Gideon closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy that second of a weird warmth floating through his body.  
“Mitchell?”  
“Hm?”  
Gideon opened his mouth, hesitated closed it again and slowly shook his head.  
“Nevermind.”  
Mitchell chuckled, since he had said this word himself twice this day already.  
“Ok.”

They sat there in peaceful, yet desperate silence, until Dex’ hectic breathing floated their ears. “Evacuation is on the way. Tell me your position.”  
Mitchell let out a laughter of relief. “The other side of the fucking rock.”  
“Stay there, don’t move. They’re coming to get you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> What do you think? Is everything going to end up good now?


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evac-team finally arrives and everything is going to be alright.  
> Could be alright.  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> Won't be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I'm so sorry it always takes me so awfully long to update...I'm just the slowest writer in the universe :D  
> Hope you'll enjoy this chapter and want to thank you for all your lovely comments and more than fifty f*cking Kudos. Really, thank you! I'm so glad you apparently like this story a little :)

Mitchell watched Gideon smile and close his eyes and let out a sigh.  
There was hope now. His captain was going to get the medical attention he needed so desperately, and Mitchell would be able to get back to the enemies’ camp to help Ilona and the others erase the rest of the terror cell. Everything was going to be okay. Or at least, hopefully it would be. Mitchell tried to forget about the fact that Gideon had lost a lot of blood, the fact that his wounds had been in contact with dirt, the fact that he had been coughing blood. He had to try and keep the hope bigger than the fear in case he wasn’t willing to go crazy now that they had made it this far.

Gideon weakly opened his eyes a bit and noticed how Mitchell was staring into the distance thoughtfully. “Hey mate.” He pressed the private’s hand to get his attention since his voice had been too quiet to be heard.  
Mitchell turned to him and raised his eyebrows in worry and question.  
Gideon cleared his throat and tried to keep his voice under control.  
“Don’t worry, man. I’ll be alright now.”  
His voice was only a whisper that remained hard to be heard next to the noises of distant gunfire and shouting that came from the camp, but Mitchell nodded and smirked a little.  
“Nice to hear you’re part of the team ‘optimism’ now.”  
Gideon snorted.  
“Fuck, no. I’ll never be a member of that shitty team.”  
Mitchell chuckled and shook his head.  
“Promise me not to shout at the doctor’s while they’re checking you over. Just let them do their job.”  
“When did I ever…”  
Mitchell arched his brows and Gideon fell silent.  
“Okay. I will behave like a good boy, if that does make you happy.”  
“And you won’t try to convince them you’ll be ready to get back into the fight after a nap.”  
Gideon rolled his eyes. “I’m not that stupid.”  
Mitchell kept staring at him.  
“Are you trying your puppy look on me?”  
“Maybe.”  
“Seriously?”  
Mitchell continued to stare.  
“Fuck me. I wouldn’t have done that anyway, and I’m fucking sure they wouldn’t let me go even if I begged, but o-kay. I promise. You idiot.”  
“Good.”  
“Good.”  
“Quit staring at me.”  
“I’m not staring at you.”  
“Yes you are.”  
“I’m not.”  
“You…”   
And that was when the violent coughing returned, sucked the air out of Gideon’s lungs and blackened his vision. Before Mitchell was able to panic, the noise of an approaching helicopter broke the silence now hanging in the air.

Letting go of Gideon’s hand, he waved the helicopter in order to show their position and then kneeled down next to the older man, checking his pulse. It was weak and slow, but it was still there. Watching how Gideon’s chest rose and fell with his shallow breathing, he ran his hand through his hair. “Stop scaring the shit out of me, you asshole.”  
As the evac-team got Gideon on a stretcher and lifted him into the helicopter, the older man woke up again and shook his head in protest, as Mitchell tried to walk away. “He’s injured and under my command. He needs to be checked over.”  
Turning to Mitchell, a medic waved him to come back, but Mitchell shook his head.  
“I need to get back to Ilona.”  
The medic rose his brows and looked at his still bleeding leg that barely bore the weight of Mitchell’s body.  
“Get into the helicopter, private. This needs to be stitched. You may return together with the second wave of reinforcement sentinel will send in once we did that.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Get into the fucking thing, Mitchell, or I’ll make you.”  
Hearing the anger in Gideon’s quiet voice, Mitchell decided he didn’t have much of a choice if he didn’t want Gideon to jump off the stretcher in suicidal rage, and obeyed.

Mitchell sighed with relief as the helicopter took off and a medic leaned over Gideon to treat his injuries. The older man had finally stopped to speak and just moaned in pain, which meant he no longer kept himself contained. That scared the shit out of Mitchell. Trying to calm himself down, he focused on breathing slowly, telling himself that Gideon was going to be alright. 

After a couple of minutes that felt like an eternity, the medic turned to Mitchell, who was still nearly paralyzed with worry. “He’s gonna be alright, private. His injuries are serious , but he’s stable and we’re gonna get him to the hospital soon enough. You did a good job stopping the bleeding. You might have saved his life.”   
Mitchell nodded, thanked the medic and skeptically looked at the barely conscious Gideon who was wearing an oxygen mask and had been attached to several beeping monitors, a blood transfusion and a drip. He really needed to keep himself from getting over to his captain and grabbing his hand, but he knew Gideon would’ve found that melodramatic. Besides, unnecessary movement wasn’t much appreciated inside a flying helicopter and the medic hadn’t finished his work yet, so Mitchell would only be standing in his way. All he could do was to sit and pray the medic was right.

The private watched how the medic replaced Mitchell’s made-up bandages with a proper dressing, injected something into Gideon’s arm that nearly immediately stopped the moaning – Mitchell guessed it must have been morphine – and checked his body for more injuries. The pain in his tightening chest grew, the longer he watched the treatment. It simply hurt to see Gideon this weak, and since Mitchell was no longer responsible for saving him, the fear washed over him finally, making his heart beat faster in pain.  
Mitchell had finally managed to calm down a bit by looking at the continuous waves that monitored Gideon’s heartbeat, when suddenly, the helicopter’s pilot began to shout over the coms in panic. “Enemy missiles firing at us from out of nowhere. Trying to avoid them but there are too many. Prepare for a hit.”  
It was like in the movies. To Mitchell, everything seemed to happen in slow-motion as he promptly sprang to his feet, when the helicopter suddenly shook heavily and then started to drop. “We’re hit! Rotor’s not moving anymore!”   
Mitchell stared at the medic in panic. “What are we supposed to do?”  
The medic didn’t answer, sat down on his seat, buckled his seatbelt and looked at his feet.  
Mitchell didn’t hesitate another second and moved forward. As the helicopter started tilting, a loud beeping sound banged through the air and the stretcher that Gideon was laying on started to move. Mitchell threw himself protectively over Gideon’s body without thinking just seconds before the helicopter hit the ground.

It was the weight on his chest keeping him from breathing that threw him back into full conscience. Forcing himself to open his eyes, he felt the pain creeping up his body but ignored it. Once his eyes were finally open, adrenalin kicked in and he nearly freaked out. On top of him lay an unconscious Mitchell with a bleeding wound at the back of his head. Around them, everything was chaos. The wreckage of the helicopter, glass-pieces and gasoline were spread all over the place. Just a few metres away lay the medic – apparently dead. “MITCHELL!” Gideon shook his friend’s limp body in panic. He didn’t react. Tears flooded his eyes and fear made his breathing uneven. “Mitchell, don’t be dead. Please, please, don’t be dead!” The rush of adrenaline allowed Gideon to try and roll Mitchell gently off his body. He didn’t seem to be seriously injured as far as Gideon could see, but remained unconscious. Gideon forced himself to lift his hand and slap Mitchell’s cheeks, which finally made the private jolt awake.   
“Goddamnit, Mitchell! Don’t fucking scare me like that!”

Mitchell blinked in confusion and got up on his knees quick, ignoring a burning pain running through his head, back, and the remaining of his arm attached to the now malfunctioning implant, trying to get an overview of the situation. “Fuck.”  
The private immediately understood that they needed to get away from here. Once the gasoline caught fire from the burning wreckage or once the bastards who brought the helicopter down came to check whether they were all dead, this place was going to turn into a fucking inferno. Taking in all the information, he turned to Gideon, who was still cursing under his breath. “Are you alright?” Gideon smirked bitterly.   
“Better than ever.”  
The weakness of his voice scared the hell out of Mitchell, but he tried to push the   
fear aside.   
“Ok…ok. Just…stay here.”  
“What the fuck happened?”  
Ignoring Gideon’s question, Mitchell got up and got rid of the rest of his damaged exo that had probably just saved his life, and brushing off the shakiness of his legs, checked on the medic who got a piece of wreckage stuck inside his chest. He was dead.  
“Fuck!” Mitchell cursed, kicking another piece of metal in frustration. Wandering around, he collected some items that had endured the crash and found out that the pilot as well as the navigator were dead too. He made his way back to Gideon as fast as his damaged body let him and kneeled down once more.  
“What the hell has happened, Mitchell?”  
“No time for explanations. We need to get out of here. I’m very sorry, but this is going to hurt, I guess.”  
Mitchell pulled the needle that remained from the torn drip out of Gideon’s hand and lifted the other soldier on his shoulder with the help of his natural arm. Trying not to listen to Gideon’s agonized moan, he started running as fast as he could.

There was only wide, open desert around them, so Mitchell wasn’t sure how far he had run when his legs collapsed under all the weight and his knees touched the hot sand.  
Breathing hectically to get as much oxygen as possible into his lungs, he touched his earpiece, desperately praying, the coms wouldn’t let him down again.  
“Anybody receiving?”  
“Private Mitchell? This is sentinel. What happened?”  
“The evacuation has gone wrong. Helicopter’s been brought down by the enemy. Three soldiers are K.I.A.”  
“Report your position.”  
“I have no idea.”  
“Alright, we locate your GPS-Signal. Stay put, we pick you up asap.”  
“I can’t stay put, we’re in the middle of the desert.”  
“Ok, we located you. Head east. Two kilometers away, you’ll find the remainings of an abandoned village.”  
“Get us out of here as fast as you can!”  
“We try private, but I can’t send anyone before we know who brought you down. We can’t afford to lose another helicopter.”  
Mitchell groaned in frustration.  
“Just send anyone.”  
“Try to get to the village and report.”  
“Why?”  
“There’s a heavy sandstorm approaching close to your position and you need to take cover.”  
“If you don’t send an aircraft to pick us up now, we’ll be stuck inside this storm!”  
“Get to the village. Do you copy?”  
Mitchell closes his eyes and sighed.  
“Copy.”  
Checking on Gideon quickly, Mitchell noticed he was unconscious again, but alive still.   
Forcing his legs to obey, he got up and started walking east.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, well. Plot-Twist. Couldn't resist.  
> Apologies.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the middle of a sandstorm and misery, Mitchell decides to admit something.  
> But maybe it's too late for that confession to change anything as Gideon sees death standing at his doorstep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey :)
> 
> I'm very sorry for the last chapter. I know this plot-twist was a mean one, but i had this planned since the beginning and...who can resist to write a naughty little plot-twist? ;)  
> I hope, you'll like the next chapter since it contains loads of fluff and...maybe reveals something that you might have been waiting for (*coughs* Gidchell *coughs*).
> 
> Anyway...tissue warning. I guess you'll hate me for this chapter.

9.

The moment the ruins of an abandoned village came into vision, Mitchell nearly instantly collapsed on his knees. It took him a good amount of self-discipline, to force himself to carry on walking towards the seemingly only half-intact house that missed its first floor but still had some sort of a roof made of the remaining of the first floor’s ground. Once he had managed to get into the house and to close the door behind him which was – thank god – still intact, in order to keep the sandstorm that was just starting outside, he carefully let Gideon roll off his back and placed him against a wall. Praying that his stubborn marching against the wind, heat and sand that had scratched his face hadn’t been in vain, he checked for Gideon’s pulse and nearly cried out in relief when he found one. Now that he had made sure that Gideon was still around, there were other things to sort out.  
“Sentinel, this is private Mitchell. Can you track my new position?”  
“We got you, private. Stay put. Copy?”  
“Yeah, well, where would I go? There’s a sandstorm approaching, right?!”  
“It should be over within less than two hours. We’ll pick you up asap.”  
“Two hours? That’s too long. Captain Emery won’t be able to wait this long.”  
“I’m sorry private, but we can’t bear the risk of sending a pilot out into this weather.”  
“But you can bear the risk of killing my captain?”  
“Private! Watch your tone!”  
Mitchell was just getting ready for an angry reply, when he felt how somebody touched his hand and looked at Gideon who was awake and whispering again.  
“Pardon the private, sentinel. He’s having a tough day. Report when you’re ready to send the evac. Copy?”  
“That’s copied, captain. Good luck.”  
“Gideon! Are you alright?” Mitchell reached for the older man’s shoulder and pressed it.  
Gideon smirked. “Sun’s shining outta my ass, kid. How’s the arm?”  
Mitchell sighed. “Not working.”  
“At least your head stopped bleeding.”  
“My…what?”  
“No headache yet?”  
“None that I couldn’t bear. What are you talking about?”  
“God, you’re like a cat. How many lives do you have? Something must’ve hit the back of your head. You were unconscious after the crash. Don’t you remember?”  
“I’m…not…sure.”  
“Ok, maybe you’re not a cat. You should have that head looked over once you’re back at the camp.”  
“Um. Okay.”  
“I’m not gonna lecture you because you once again apparently threw yourself over me plus carried me god knows where through the desert plus just provoked kingpin, because I know you’re an idiot that’s not gonna listen to me anyway so I’ll just thank you and guarantee that I’ll beat the shit outta you as soon as I can.”  
“Wow. You’re nearly back to normal.”  
“Whatever that medic injected me…I like it.”  
Mitchell chuckled sadly. He knew the treatment’s effect wouldn’t last long but still hoped that at least the painkillers would spare Gideon from gritting his teeth just a little while longer.  
“Stop making that face. You just survived a crash without losing any extremities. Be thankful, you fucker.”  
“For three people dead, my implant malfunctioning and being trapped in the middle of nowhere with the biggest pain in the ass the army has to offer? Well, um…no.”  
“They’re all dead?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Shit.” Gideon dropped his gaze and sighed. “What happened anyway?”  
“Enemy missile hit the helicopter. It just dropped to the ground like a dead bird.”  
“Fuck.”  
“Still can’t believe we’re alive.”  
“Guess we’ve used up all our seven lives now.”  
“I thought we already used up number seven in Baghdad.”  
Gideon sighed and coughed, painfully reminding Mitchell that he was still in a miserable state. “We should really stop talking. Try to get some rest. I’ll guard the entrance, but I don’t think we’ll see any visitor’s until the storm’s over.”  
“Think you can fix the implant?”  
“I don’t know. But if I can’t, somebody else will.”  
“Sure.”  
Mitchell saw Gideon frown and raised his brows.  
“Is that worry?”  
“What? No. I just…it would suck if you’d, you know. Ah, fuck it.”  
With that, Gideon closed his eyes, demonstrating that he was willing to sleep now and left Mitchell chuckling. 

The truth was somewhat different: First of all, Gideon didn’t really feel any better than before. The painkillers had already stopped working and even if the blood transfusion might have saved him from being dead by now, it hadn’t managed to magically cure him. He felt like shit and time was still running out. His joking around, the whole conversation was just meant to calm Mitchell down about whom he really was worried. So closing his eyes and embracing the dark beyond his eyelids was a relief because allowing himself to drift off meant allowing the weakness he tried to hide. While he was asleep, Mitchell possibly wouldn’t worry so much and besides, if Gideon died in his sleep, it might as well be quiet peaceful. That’d be better for everyone. But still, Gideon didn’t fall asleep this time. The fear of death sent adrenaline rushing through his body and kept him awake, while the pain kept pulsing inside his nerves. 

Really believing that Gideon was asleep, Mitchell allowed himself to carefully touch the wound at the back of his own head and flinched. Of course it hurt. His head felt like exploding every minute, the bare skin of his upper body ached from a heavy sunburn, his irritated nerves connected to the broken implant burned like hell and exhaustion had begun to wrap him inside a blanket of fatigue and dizziness. Trying to provide some coolness to his body that was radiating with heat, he lay down on the floor of the house – or better ruin – and enjoyed the feeling of cold stone touching his tortured skin with a sigh. Mitchell reached for his backpack that he had just thrown to the floor after their arrival and got out his canteen that was still half-full. After all these years without two fully working human arms, he had gotten used to opening it without help and soon drank a sip that provided his scratching throat a little comfort. Sitting up again, Mitchell carefully shook Gideon’s shoulder and woke him to make him drink something.

Gideon opened his eyes with a grumpy hum but didn’t resist as Mitchell placed the opened canteen against his lips to help him drink. It screwed his masquerade and Mitchell noticed that his friend was even too weak to lift his arms. “You haven’t been sleeping, right?” Gideon slightly shook his head with a sigh.  
“The painkillers are not working any longer?”  
“Nope.”  
“Come on. Drink a little more. I don’t want you to get dehydrated.”  
Gideon swallowed a little more of the way to warm water and then turned his head away from the bottle. “Stop behaving like a mother, Michelle.”  
Besides the fact that Gideon’s voice was quiet and weak, Mitchell decided it might be better to keep him talking. If he couldn’t sleep anyway, talking could help to keep his spirits up. It broke tiny little pieces from his heart every time he saw how miserable Gideon was and looking him in the eye, he could see the fear hidden deep down. Hesitating just another second, he made a decision.  
“Wanna know something?”  
“Depends.”  
“About your visit around Christmas….”  
Gideon groaned. “Don’t remind me of that.”  
“You apologized for that the day I arrived at the camp. I said it was alright, but…truth is, you didn’t need to apologize anyway.”  
“God, you’re not trying to cheer me up because I’m hurt, are you?”  
“I’m not.”  
“Good. ‘Cause that’d be pathetic.”  
“I’m just telling the truth.”  
“You mean, before it’s too late.” Gideon said that with a chuckle but Mitchell saw in his eyes that he didn’t find it funny at all so he just ignored it and kept talking.  
“I mean, I was happy that you visited. I was glad to see, you know, a friendly face…or, to put it right, since your face is not exactly friendly, a familiar face. I just…this day was horrible. But it wasn’t because of you. It was because I felt ashamed.”  
“Do we really have to do this support-group stuff? I think I’m doomed enough by bleeding and being hurt and stuck inside a sandstorm?”  
Mitchell rolled his eyes.  
“I’m trying to make a point here.”  
“Okay. Go on if that stops you from trying the puppy-look on me again.”  
“I was ashamed because I was weak. I didn’t want somebody to see me like that. Or…to be honest, I didn’t care about what anyone thought about me. I just didn’t want you to see me like this.”  
Gideon arched his brows and tried to sit up a bit.  
“Wait…what?”  
“I found it embarrassing.”  
The older man shook his head with disbelief.  
“We’re friends. You were miserable. That’s nothing you would’ve needed to be ashamed of.”  
“I know that. Now. But at the time…I just didn’t want to disappoint you.”  
“Why would you…?”  
“Because you meant something to me, okay? You still do. It’s…I don’t have words for this. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about it until we met again. It’s awkward and I don’t know what it means and I know you’ll laugh about it…but…I just feel now would be the time to thank you for what you did for me. Because when this is over and you’re back to normal, you’d beat the shit out of me if I start talking like that, so I thought I might as well admit it now…”  
Gideon didn’t laugh. He just looked at Mitchell with confusion and curiosity.  
“Admit…what?”  
“I don’t know. Just…this. Me not being able to leave you behind or to not return under your command, even if you’re the most stubborn, annoying, reckless idiot of a captain.”  
“I…um…Mitchell…”  
“You don’t have to say anything. Just don’t laugh at me, okay? You can punch me in the face once we’re back to safety.”  
“Is this what ‘nevermind’ means?”  
“To me? Yes.”  
“Okay.”  
“Oh-kay? You’re not freaking out or something?”  
“Erm. No. I’m a little too tired for that. And besides…”  
“Yes?”  
“Nevermind.”  
“You mean…?”  
“Add one plus one, you idiot. I’m not going to say that out loud.”  
Mitchell swallowed and nodded.  
“You must be developing a fever.”  
“You can bet on that. But that’s not the reason…”  
He was cut off by a wave of coughing and the conversation was over. Gideon lost conscience and Mitchell’s heart dropped as he put his limp figure in recovery position to avoid him from choking. 

The sandstorm got pretty loud, so the exhaustion didn’t cause Mitchell to fall asleep. Instead, he kept wandering around, checking Gideon’s pulse every twenty seconds and asked sentinel about a change in weather ever and ever again. But the sandstorm was ruthless and still hadn’t calmed down an hour later. Gideon had begun to moan in his sleep – or whatever his state of bare conscience was to be called – and Mitchell sat down next to him to stroke his hair and wipe away the sweat on his forehead. “Hold on, mate. Just a little while longer.” The promise tasted shallow in his mouth. It had been given too often that day and Mitchell knew that his begging wouldn’t help much longer.  
The sandstorm still hadn’t stopped when Gideon started convulsing in pain and his stomach-wound started bleeding again. Grabbing the medical supplies Mitchell had collected back at the crash site, the private managed to bandage the wound again, but it didn’t stop bleeding immediately and the noise that Gideon made as Mitchell put pressure on the wound again froze the blood in his own veins. 

Mitchell didn’t know how much time must’ve passed as his communicator came to life and sentinel told him that they’d be heading out to catch them up within the next thirty minutes. He didn’t smile. He didn’t feel relief. He just reported the news as understood and looked at his hands that where covered in Gideon’s blood. Lifting them up carefully, he noticed the bleeding had stopped and wiped his hands at his dirty pants. His shivering finger’s gently touched Gideon’s neck in search of his pulse and barely found one. Mitchell curled up next to Gideon and sobbed. 

As soon as the howling of the sandstorm stopped, Mitchell got up to check outside whether the storm was really over. He had already nearly reached the door, when a weak whisper held him back.  
“Mitchell, please don’t…”  
Mitchell turned around to face Gideon.  
“I’ll tell you one last time: If you keep telling me to leave, I’m gonna knock you out.”  
“Don’t.”  
“God, Gideon, can you just....”  
“No, I mean…”  
His voice died out and Mitchell made some steps towards his barely conscious friend.  
“Don’t leave.”  
Mitchell felt his heart drop, sank on his knees next to Gideon and shook his head.  
“I wouldn’t ever do that.”  
The captain finally nodded.  
“Sorry for being such a selfish bastard.”  
“You’re not.”  
Taking in what it really meant that Gideon finally admitted that he didn’t want Mitchell to leave him alone, he sat down next to his friend again, swallowing hard to hold back the tears. “I’m not going anywhere without you, I promise.”  
“Thank you.”  
Gideon started to cough again, spitting blood and breathing shallow.  
“Shh.” Mitchell gently began to stroke the older man’s hair as Gideon started to shiver.  
Feeling the cold sweat on Gideon’s hot forehead, he concluded that the fever was just getting worse. “Are you cold?”  
“I’m freezing.”  
Without further hesitation, Mitchell moved closer and gently pulled Gideon into his arms, placing the older man’s head on his chest and wrapping his arms around him.  
“Better?”  
Gideon swallowed and nodded.  
Mitchell kept stroking Gideon’s sweaty hair and held him close. Feeling Gideon’s breath touching his neck might have calmed him down earlier, but now the very thought about the fact that the breathing could stop every second just scared the shit out of Mitchell.  
“Jack?”  
“Hmh?”  
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick today.”  
“It’s okay.”  
“I just wanted you save. I never wanted to…”  
“I’m not angry.”  
“I just want you to know that I am grateful for what you did for me.”  
Mitchell felt that Gideon was reaching for his hand, so he took it and lowered his head to look at him.  
Looking at his dirty, sweaty, tired face that told a story of so much pain made Mitchell swallow hard. It intensified the burning in his chest and tightened the knot in his stomach. “I just did what you did for me. I couldn’t ever leave you behind. Not you.”  
“Will you promise….?” Gideon’s voice died out.  
“We’re not doing this last dying wish shit, because you’re not dying.”  
Gideon smirked slightly.  
“Your optimism knows no borders. I….envy you.”  
Mitchell had to listen very hard to understand Gideon, since he could only whisper and even that seemed to get harder for him every second. Mitchell swallowed again. That Gideon apologized and asked him to stay and allowed him to get so close could only mean one thing. Mitchell wasn’t even able to imagine his biggest fear coming true.  
“You may not die, okay?”  
“Mitchell…” Gideon softly pressed the private’s hand “I want you to promise that you’ll be more careful…future.”  
“No. I’m not promising anything to you.”  
“I need to be sure…as soon as I’m no longer around to watch your back…”  
“You will always be around.”  
Gideon sighed and blinked away the tears. Clearing his throat, Gideon found the strength to voice a sentence that he knew would break Mitchell’s heart.  
“Do you have to make this so hard for me, Mitchell?”  
“I…”  
“I’m tired. I’m really sorry but I think I can’t hold on much longer and I…” his voice started trembling and all of his remaining walls came down “fuck…I need you.”  
Gideon simply fell apart. He was no longer a badass soldier with a heavy coat of protective sarcasm. He was a simple man afraid of death.   
“Gideon, no matter what, I’m here for you. I just...can’t let go. You are…you mean too much to me. Don’t ask me to let go. Please, don’t do this to me.”  
Gideon swallowed and tried to look Mitchell in the eye. “You’ll have to.”  
Mitchell softly touched Gideon’s cheek with a shivering hand and finally lost his fight against the tears. “I’m here for you.”  
Gideon leaned into the touch, closed his eyes and pressed his lips together to hold back a sob. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I never meant to let you down, I never…”  
“Shh. It’s alright.” Mitchell’s voice nearly drowned in his tears. He pulled his arms closer around the captain and started stroking his back.  
“Just try to hold on a little while longer. For me.”  
Gideon started coughing again and with another wave of panic Mitchell recognized that the captain’s breathing was growing more and more shallow. Only that this time, Mitchell was pretty sure it wouldn’t get better again.  
It was that moment that Mitchell understood this was no longer the time for begging. All he could do was to comfort Gideon, to try and give some hope to him, to hold him while the live kept pouring out of his body. Their eyes met and for a second, the world was no longer existing. Recognizing that their faces were only inches away from each other, Mitchell noticed the soft touch of Gideon’s choppy breath on his lips. “I’m here for you. You’re not alone.” Mitchell whispered. Gideon saw in Mitchell’s eyes that the younger man had finally understood. He was allowed to let go.  
“Thank you, Jack.” He leaned a little closer, his forehead touching Mitchell’s.  
“You’re…I…” Gideon couldn’t finish the sentence.  
Mitchell just held him close. “Nevermind, right?”  
Gideon slightly nodded. “Yeah.”

He closed his eyes and let his head fall aside. Breathing in Mitchell’s smell at his chest that was covered by nothing, Gideon tried to memorize how it felt to be so close to Jack, to memorize the sound of his heartbeat, the touch of his hands, the warmth of his skin, the smell of his sweat. “Just lean on me…”  
And Gideon did as Mitchell told him. 

Mitchell’s voice sounded so far away, but still, Gideon recognized its sound. He had always liked the sound of Mitchell’s voice and so it helped to calm him down. Feeling how Mitchell pulled him even closer, he allowed himself to fully lean on the private, to let the weakness wash over him. Pushing aside all the fear and pain and regrets, he allowed himself to let down all of his guard and just focused on Mitchell’s gentle touches, his stroking on his back and his head, his gentle reassuring whisper, his arms that were protectively wrapped around him. In the middle of all this pain and fear, Gideon felt a shot of happiness float through his body. It was a shame that it had to come to this for him to admit he liked Mitchell, he thought. A shame, that he was doing this to the men who meant the most to him. A shame, he couldn’t hold on much longer. “I want you to know something…” he heard Mitchell whisper with a trembling voice. And as a single tear wrestled its way out of the corner of his closed eye, Gideon heard Mitchell confess something delicate and then there was nothing but comfortable darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...that was it.  
> Not the story, just the chapter.  
> Don't worry, it's not the end of this.
> 
> Please don't kill me. I know I'm overdramatic, but I warned you before, right ;)
> 
> How did you like this?


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dying is easy. Living is hard. Dying means letting go. It means falling. Apart. Down. Away. Embracing the numbness of the great big nothing. Survival means pain, fight, devastation, exhaustion. Dying only hurts the living. Survival throws the dead back into the beauty of chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys! My life just turned upside down and I've been so busy and confused over everything I didn't find the time and motivation to keep writing, but now I'm back.  
> Sorry that I left you with that hell of a cliffhanger for so long, but I hope the new chapter makes up for it a bit.
> 
> Thanks again to all those kudo-leavers and comment-writers. You really motivate me!

10.  
Dying is easy. Living is hard. Dying means letting go. It means falling. Apart. Down. Away. Embracing the numbness of the great big nothing. Survival means pain, fight, devastation, exhaustion. Dying only hurts the living. Survival throws the dead back into the beauty of chaos. As Gideon fell, there wasn’t any part inside him willing to fight. There was nothing but a sudden peace felt over all those years of running and shooting and killing. There was nothing he felt but the pain washing away. Nothing. Until his heart was forced to circulate blood through his body again and his mind exploded with a pain so intense that it locked everything else on the inside.  
Mitchell felt Gideon’s ribs break under the pressure of his crossed hands that kept pushing down his chest in a rhythm that the private hoped to imitate a heartbeat accurately. As soon as he had noticed that Gideon stopped breathing, adrenaline took over and drowned out all the feelings. Mitchell had been turned into a machine, trying his best to save his comrade, doing what he had been told during training when it came to the question how to take care of the wounded in case no medic was around. Mitchell somewhere in the back of his head knew that Gideon wouldn’t have wanted this. A part of him remembered that he had promised to let him go. A part of him wanted to stop and just fall apart and cry. But Mitchell was a soldier. He was a man trained to push feelings as far aside as possible. He had been taught to never leave anyone behind. And besides of all that, a part of him still kept a little flame of hope alive. A part of him still believed. A part of him would never let go.

The aircraft dispersed a lot of sand, but still landed unnoticed. Three men hastily left it before it could barely touch the hot ground and started running towards the ruins of a white stone-house.

Mitchell didn’t notice that somebody kicked the door open. He didn’t notice the shouts and the commands. He didn’t even break the surface of despair when somebody violently pulled him away from Gideon’s lifeless body. Mitchell wasn’t really there. Apathy had conquered all of him. It didn’t leave until they got him to sleep, apparently worried that he might freak out once he’d come back to his senses.

He woke from a beeping noise and somebody’s voice repeatedly calling his name. Opening his eyes, confusion took over and he hastily sat up, got pushed down into those heavenly softly pillows again and finally understood the elder man in that white gown in front of him was talking to him.  
“Private Mitchell? Can you hear me?”  
Mitchell slowly nodded. “What happened? Where’s Gideon?”   
The doctor sighed. “I need you to stay calm, private. Can you do that for me?”  
Mitchell shrugged. “As long as you tell me what happened to my captain.”  
“Captain Emery is pretty badly injured and…”  
“Is? That means he’s still alive?”  
“He is.”  
Mitchell let out a sudden rough laugh of disbelief and relief.  
“But private…please don’t get euphoric.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You’re not a relative. I may not tell you things like that.”  
Mitchell bit his tongue and sighed in disbelief.  
“He is my captain. He is family. He is my best friend.”  
“God, private…I really can’t tell you anything. I’m not authorized…”  
“Please, sir. I need to know if he’s going to be alright.”  
The beeping got faster and Mitchell noticed how that made his doctor even more uncomfortable.  
“Okay. I’m risking my job, but okay. As long as you promise you’ll let me treat you afterwards.”  
“Okay.”  
“It’s needless to tell you that Captain Emery wouldn’t still be around if it hadn’t been for you. You did a pretty good job in stopping the bleeding as good as you could and you revived him. So that’s the good news. The bad news is that he’s got internal bleeding, his liver has been injured and he’s got seven broken ribs. One of them punctured his lungs. The wounds at his leg and his upper body aren’t that bad but might turn septic. He’s in a very bad condition.”  
Mitchell swallowed and folded his hands, trying to contain himself.  
“Ok. So what are you doing about all that?”  
“They’re operating on him at the moment, but I can’t promise anything. He’s lost a lot of blood, his body is weak…he really needs to be a tough fighter to get through this.”  
“Fine. He is a fighter. He’ll survive.”  
The doctor just smiled and nodded. “We do our best to save him, private.”  
“Can I see him? When the operation’s finished?”  
The doc hesitated, took off his glasses and polished them.   
“We’ll see, okay? I’ll talk to his medics.”  
Mitchell swallowed and nodded. “Thank you.”  
“So, now we had that clarified, may I finally medicate your injuries?”  
“Sure.”  
The doc arched his brows.  
“You don’t remember anything, do you?”  
“Of course I do.”  
“No, I mean…you don’t remember you tried to hit me? And the medics? And a nurse?”  
“I…what? I’m so sorry, but I just don’t remember any of it…it doesn’t sound like me.”  
“It’s okay, private. You were in shock. Now let me see that calf of yours.”

Mitchell was diagnosed with a “not so bad” bullet wound, three bruised rips, an extraordinary sunburn, a concussion, dehydration and ptsd. His implant didn’t seem broken and would just need some repairing, the nerves connected to it where just sore, not damaged. As soon as they could get a technician, Mitchell’s implant was going to be fixed. His doctor – who finally introduced himself as doctor Wilson while treating his bullet wound – took care of everything but the ptsd and left him with the beg to try and get some sleep. “If you don’t, I’ll have to drug you. So try at least.”  
“Can you drug me now?”  
“You want me to?”  
“I could use some sleep. I can’t take the waiting until Gideon, I mean captain Emery…”  
“It’s alright. I’ll make you sleep a few hours. Your body needs all the rest it can get.”  
“Thank you.”

It was morning already when Mitchell woke up again and for a second thought that he’d lost his mind. Next to his bed sat Ilona. Covered in dirt and blood, but alive and awake and apparently quiet healthy. She smiled as she saw him checking her over.  
“Hey Mitchell. Good to see you awake.”  
“Ilona! I’m so glad you made it out of this shit alive! How are you?”  
“We had a lot of casualties. I lost half of my squad. And that guy from your squad who got shot…he didn’t make it.”  
Mitchell bit his lip and lowered his head. “Fuck.”  
“Yeah. That mission was just…insane. We should’ve stopped once we first got discovered.”  
“Somebody must have betrayed us.”  
“I already had the same thought. But who’d rat on us?”  
“I don’t know. Are you alright?” Mitchell looked at all the blood covering Ilonas dirty uniform but she just waved and smiled bitterly.  
“Not my blood. Just a lot of bruises and sore muscles. I never get hurt.”  
Mitchell smiled.  
“That’s some good news at least.”  
“Not as good as the news that we won.”  
“We did what?”  
“We conquered the camp. What’s left of the terror cell is already imprisoned.”  
“Wow.”  
“Wasn’t worth it, anyway.”  
“No.”  
“How are you?”  
“I’m okay.”  
“You sure?”  
Mitchell nodded.  
“Yeah, it’s just….”  
“I heard about it.”  
“How is he?”  
“Gideon?”  
“Yeah.”  
“They won’t tell me shit. They say they only tell family. I told them that we are the closest thing to a family he has, but they won’t listen.”  
“I got my doctor to tell me before I fell asleep. Gideon was in an operation back then but I don’t know how long I’ve slept. Can you do me a favor and go looking for doctor Wilson? I can’t go myself…” Mitchell lifted his flesh arm to show he was attached to a drip.  
Ilona just nodded and left.

“Did you have a good sleep?”, Wilson asked entering beyond Ilona.  
Mitchell nodded. “You know what we’re willing to ask.”  
“Yeah, I know. I just talked to his doctors.”  
“And?”  
“He survived the operation. They were able to stop the internal bleeding and to fix his liver and the hole at his lung.”  
Mitchell and Ilona looked at each other and slightly smiled with relief.  
“But private, that still doesn’t mean he’ll make it. They had to revive him four times during the operation and he is still very weak.”  
“Can we see him?”  
Wilson scratched his head. “I’d normally say no, because that’s simply not allowed. But I’ve talked to my boss and I told him that you saved the guy’s life and that we shouldn’t care about blood bounds in a military hospital anyway and…I really held him an impressive speech, believe me. So, you may visit him. Just shortly. And just one of you.”  
Mitchell looked at his friend and Ilona nodded. “You go, Mitchell.”  
“Thank you very much, doctor Wilson.”  
“You’re welcome. But don’t expect too much. He’s still got intubation because he can’t breathe himself and he will stay unconscious for a while.”  
Mitchell swallowed. “Can I go see him now?”  
Wilson detached him from his drip and nodded. “As long as you promise me to take some rest afterwards.”  
Mitchell nodded and Wilson handed him some crutches. “Let’s go then.”

Since Gideon still lay on intensive care, Ilona had to stay behind the doors of the station and patted Mitchell’s shoulder before turning around. “I’ll be waiting at your room.”  
Mitchell then nodded and entered the station, before he was told to put on some protective clothing and to disinfect his hands before getting into his captain’s room. When they finally arrived, Wilson stopped and looked at him.  
“I’ll have to leave you at your own from here. I got some other patients to take care of.”  
He left with a sigh and Mitchell swallowed as he pressed down the doorknob.

The sight was as horrible as Mitchell had expected it.  
Gideon was as pale as a ghost covered in bandages and attached to a dozen noisy machines. The tube inside his throat was the worst. Mitchell had to hold back a sob as he moved a chair next to his bed and looked at his captain. He tried to say something, but he couldn’t. So he just sat there and swallowed all those tears that came flooding in and kept staring at Gideon who just looked like an empty shell, but not like the man he’d fallen for any longer. Feeling the urgent need to show Gideon he was there, Mitchell lifted his shivering hand and carefully placed it on Gideon’s hand, avoiding to touch the tube stuck inside. The hand was warmer than Mitchell had expected and with the warmth of that touch, Mitchell understood that Gideon wasn’t dead. Not yet. 

As a single tear finally left his eyes, Mitchell couldn’t keep a tiny sob inside and sighed. “Please just keep fighting, Gid. Just hold on.”  
And with that, he just broke into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You still like it?


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitchell tries to cope with his trauma, but he simply can't believe that Gideon is really still alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG. Thank you all for you super-lovely comments and for new kudos and for reading.  
> <3 you all.
> 
> I'm sorry this took me so long but life's tough at the moment so I didn't feel like writing for quiet some time, but here I am again. Enjoy.
> 
> Warning: This contains a lot of emotions. And some fluff at the end of the chapter.

11.

Mitchell didn’t know how long he’d already been sitting there when fatigue kicked in. He must have been crying for some time and that was simply exhausting. As he continued to stroke Gideon’s hand, he put his head on the mattress and closed his eyes. “Just a second” he thought to himself, but he drifted off into sleep immediately.

Blood. Deep red blood soaked his trousers as he kept staring into those dead, empty eyes. He started screaming as they pulled him away, kept shouting his name and tried to fight them off but felt too weak. He heard somebody calling his name repeatedly, but he couldn’t react. All he could do was to scream. Somebody shook his shoulders and then suddenly, he broke the surface. The eyes focusing him were no longer Gideon’s and they weren’t dead. They were brown and warm and full of pity. 

“Private Mitchell! Do you hear me?”  
Mitchell nodded and then shook his head to get rid of those pictures of blood and death until he finally recognized a tall woman standing in front of him, shaking him and begging him to “come back”.  
“I…what happened?”  
Somebody placed a chair beyond him and he just sat down, touching his head and closing his eyes.  
The woman knelt down in front of him and sighed.  
“You’ve been having a flashback, private.”  
Mitchell let his head fall into his hands and sighed.  
“Great. I’m going crazy.”  
“You’re not. You just suffer a trauma. Let me take you to your room and we’ll talk.”  
“I want to stay.”  
The woman shook her head and her glance got soft. “I know you want to be there for your friend, but he needs rest. In the condition you’re in, you are a danger towards him and yourself. You understand me?”  
Mitchell simply nodded. “It’s not my first taste of PTSD.”  
Standing up, he looked at Gideon, who had remained unconscious and pale, walked over to his bed, touched his hand and swallowed. “I’m still here for you.”

Guarded by the woman that had shaken him back to reality, he returned to his room.  
“Mitchell! What happened? You look pale…”  
The private simply walked past Ilona and sat down on his bed.  
“Would you be so kind and give us a second, captain?”  
Ilona frowned and looked at the woman who had brought Mitchell back and nodded.  
“As long as someone explains me what the fuck is going on here?”  
The woman nodded.  
“I will, once I finished my talk with private Mitchell, okay?”  
With a last frown, Ilona left the room and closed the door behind her.

“Do you think you’re ready to talk?”  
Mitchell shrugged and looked at his feet.  
“I guess I’ll have to.”  
“Ok, good. My name is Dr. Roberts. I’m your psychiatrist.”  
“I already got a psychiatrist.”  
Dr. Roberts sat down on a chair next to Mitchell’s bed and nodded.  
“I know. Back at the states, you’ve been visiting Dr. Filmore, is that correct?”  
Mitchell nodded. “Why can’t I talk to him?”  
“Well…” Dr. Roberts opened a file that she’d put on her lap before. “Because I think that my colleague didn’t do a very good job. I went through your file and came to the conclusion that you shouldn’t have been to the field again.”  
Mitchell chuckled and raised his head to look at her.  
“But I was, right? And now I’m damaged commodity that you’ll stitch up?”  
“I’m here to help.”  
“I’m okay. I’ll be back to normal in no time.”  
“Mitchell…you suffered from PTSD before, right?”  
“A long time ago, yes.”  
“That was before you joined ATLAS, right?”  
“Yes. But I recovered.”  
“I see. I just think that you’ve been through a lot lately and…”  
“I was alright. This is not about Baghdad. Not at all.”  
Mitchell swallowed and scrubbed his face with his natural hand.  
“Ok. I just think that you shouldn’t have been back on duty yet. Maybe you weren’t ready.”  
“Maybe I wasn’t. But that’s not the reason for me going crazy.”  
“You’re not going crazy.”  
“It feels like it. Worse than the last time.”  
“Tell me why.”  
“I don’t want to.”  
“I know. I know you just want to forget about all that. But you have to remember what happened in order to clear this.”  
“I know. It’s just that I don’t want to think of it ever again.”  
“But you’ve been through this before, private. There is no other way of therapy. You have to let that fear go and talk about it. Otherwise it will only get worse.”  
“You really think I’m a danger towards Gideon as long as I’m…like this?”  
She sighed. “Well…I think most of all you’re endangering yourself if you refuse to talk about it. And yes, you are a danger towards everybody else as well as long as you’re having flashbacks.”  
“It was only once.”  
“It wasn’t. You were reported to have been hallucinating on your transport to the hospital.”  
“I can’t even remember…”  
The private swallowed and shook his head in despair. “Why does this shit always keep happening to me?”  
“I don’t know. But you’ve got to try to fight it, private.”  
Mitchell took a deep breath and looked at the floor again.  
“Talking did help the last time. But it didn’t stop the nightmares.”  
“I can’t promise to cure you. Trauma can’t simply be fixed. But if you tell me what happened, what you believe to have caused you to be caught up inside this shock, maybe I can understand and try to help you.”  
“Okay. I…I’ll try. But…it’s a bit of a blur.”  
“Just tell me what you remember and what you’re ready to tell me.”

Mitchell swallowed, folded his arms in front of his chest as if embracing himself and cleared his throat.  
“I saw him die. He…died. In my arms. He stopped breathing and he didn’t start again, so I revived him and from there on…there’s nothing until I woke up at the hospital.”  
“You were reported as aggressive and apathetic on the flight here.”  
“I’m so sorry…I never wanted to hurt anyone…I just…I don’t know what happened.”  
“You didn’t hurt anyone, private. You saved a life.”  
Mitchell’s lips started to shiver and trying to avoid the tears from falling, he closed his eyes.  
“He died. I saw him die. I felt it. He was gone.”  
“I know, Mitchell. I know it’s hard to remember and I know you feel bad about all what happened. But you saved captain Emery’s life.”  
“He doesn’t look very alive to me.”  
“He’s got a chance to recover. Because of you.”  
Wiping away a tear, Mitchell sat up, reopened his eyes and took a deep breath.  
“He’s…more than my best friend, you know. I just…I couldn’t take it to lose him. I already lost a comrade that was…very close to me and…it was my fault.”  
“The death of private Irons wasn’t your fault, Mitchell. You know that.”  
“I should have pulled him out of that damn thing…I should have been stronger.”  
Dr. Roberts sighed and patted his hand. “You know you had no chance to save him.”  
“Yeah, I know. But it still…hurts.”  
And with that, he started sobbing again. Dr. Roberts waited until he had pulled himself together again until she spoke up.  
“Captain Emery is even more special to you, am I right?”  
Mitchell bit his lip and silently nodded.  
“We all fear to lose the one’s we love, Mitchell, and what you went through has been horrible. But you can get through this if you’re ready to work hard, okay?”  
“I know. I will…I will talk to you and I will cooperate and I’m willing to do a therapy again.”  
“Good. We’ll start tomorrow, ten am, at my office, room 2478.”  
“Okay. Thank you, Dr. Robins.”  
“I’m just doing my job, private. Try to get some sleep.”  
With that, she stood up and prepared to leave.  
“Dr. Roberts?”  
“Yes, Mitchell?”  
“May I visit him again, or…”  
She sighed and scratched the back of her head.  
“One step after the other. You may visit him, but no longer than an hour a day, until I declare you stable enough.”  
“If this is about me not being a relative…”  
“It’s not. That’s been clarified. Captain Emery had you noted as his emergency contact. We’re free to tell you everything and you may visit him. This is about your flashbacks.”  
“But I…”  
“Private…if you’ve got one of them around him again and accidentally pull out one of the tubes…”  
Mitchell let out a shivering sigh and nodded.  
“I understand.”  
“See you tomorrow then, Mitchell.”  
“I’m going to soul-strip in front of you, so…it’s Jack.”  
Dr. Roberts smiled and waved goodbye.  
“Sleep well, Jack.”

After Ilona left an hour later – she kept telling Mitchell that he’d be as good as new in no time – Mitchell really tried to get some rest, but he couldn’t. His mind was wide awake while his body felt sleepy and his thoughts were running faster than a sped-up movie and he was scared of nightmares and more flashbacks and of going crazy, so he didn’t sleep a wink. It was at the middle of the night, when Mitchell got up and walked over to intensive care, begging a nurse to let him see Gideon, if only through the glass of his room’s window. After ten minutes of begging and heavy use of Mitchell’s best performance of the puppy look, she allowed him to watch Gideon for five minutes from outside the room and Mitchell was tempted to hug her.

Gideon looked pale and barely alive as ever, but the monitor kept showing steady waves and reassured Mitchell that he was still there. Placing his hand on the cold glass of the room’s window, Mitchell swallowed and cleared his throat. “I’m here for you. You’re not alone in this. We will get through this. Together.” His voice was only a whisper, but loud enough to remind the nurse about the fact that he was still there.  
“Your five minutes are up. To your bed, or I’ll have to report you.”  
Mitchell sighed and nodded.  
“On my way.”  
Back at his room, he ringed for a nurse to get him some hypnotics and fell asleep when they kicked in.

Dr. Roberts was different from any other psychiatrist he’d worked with before. She didn’t force him to go into detail if he didn’t feel like it and she listened carefully, remembered everything that he’d said. She didn’t talk about medication, didn’t judge him and apparently was used to PTSD patients, since she told him that she’d been working for the military for ages. As days passed by, Mitchell started to trust her and opened up. Gideon was still in a state somewhere between survival and death and everything inside Mitchell seemed to work on autopilot. He didn’t even feel the tinyest bit of joy once his implant got repaired. Ilona stopped visiting once she recognized Mitchell wasn’t ready to talk to her yet and returned to her job, calling every evening to ask whether Gideon was better – which he wasn’t. The nights were the worst and Mitchell asked for meds nearly every evening. He had another two flashbacks and once threw a glass of water after a nurse he mistakably thought to be an enemy soldier, but he calmed down fast as Dr. Roberts assured him he was save. Talking to her always helped to calm him down and it was the hours he spend in therapy that he didn’t feel as dead as he did during the rest of the day. He had even stopped visiting Gideon. He was afraid to hurt him, afraid that he couldn’t bear the view of his unconscious figure any longer, afraid that he might as well be dead yet.

Watching his behavior carefully and analyzing what Mitchell told her, it didn’t take Dr. Roberts very long to find out that Mitchell never had had a very close connection to his mother and that he understood Gideon and Ilona as some sort of a family replacement. “PTSD sometimes emerges from watching other people get hurt. The more you like those people, the worse the effect. With you, it’s special. You’ve been through a similar trauma before, so the fear of repetition may cause your flashbacks. You’re still afraid to lose your friend, right?”  
“He’s barely alive. The doctor’s don’t sound very optimistic to me. I’m….very afraid.”  
“You’re comparing him with Will, aren’t you?”  
Mitchell shook his head and continued to look at his hands. “No. With Will…that was different. It was hard to lose him and I’ll never be able to forgive myself. But there was the thing with my arm as well and…it all happened very fast. Will was gone so soon. But this…this slow dying of…it was harder to bear.”  
“You still call it dying, but your captain didn’t really die.”  
Mitchell swallowed. “That’s the problem.”  
Dr. Roberts raised her eyebrows in question. “Can you explain that to me?”  
Mitchell scratched his forehead and nodded. “I know it’s stupid, but…I can’t really believe that he is alive. I can’t feel it.”  
“You mean it feels like you lost him?”  
“It does. It’s like a part of me just died that moment he stopped breathing. It’s just gone.”  
Roberts wrote something down at her notebook and nodded.  
“I understand. To you, it felt like he was dead. You must have thought you hadn’t succeeded in reviving him, because you don’t remember being rescued from those ruins at the desert, but you have to understand that he didn’t die.”  
“But he still might.”  
“Mourning doesn’t get easier because you start it before it’s necessary, Jack. You can’t protect yourself from despair. But what you’re doing to yourself with making yourself believe that your friend died in your arms is the following: You lock yourself in that house in the middle of the desert, on your own, inside the deepest darkness of devastation. You keep yourself stuck at that very moment of loss. And as long as you do this, you won’t get out of that situation. You will keep having flashbacks and you will stay sleepless and continue to feel that emptiness.”  
“You’re a pretty good psychiatrist”, Mitchell whispered while staring at his feet.  
“What I’m trying to say, Jack, is, that we need to get you out of the desert. You need to understand that what you thought wasn’t real.”  
“And if he dies?”  
“If he dies, but he might as well survive, you may mourn him. But you will still feel different, because you got out of that situation. The end would vary from what you remember.”  
“If he dies I…”  
“You better won’t finish that sentence as long as there’s hope, okay?”  
“Okay. But what are you willing to do to ‘get me out of the desert’?”

Roberts crossed her arms in front of her breasts, sighed, chew on her pen for a second and suddenly smiled. “You’re closer than good friends, you said?”  
Mitchell blushed. “I…don’t know how to put it. It’s…we’re…”  
Roberts just smiled. “Oh don’t worry, Jack. I’m not judging. But I understand you two share something special? You are close?”  
“Sort of.”  
“And you held him when he stopped breathing.”  
Mitchell’s face turned from pink to red. “I had to…”  
Roberts just held up her hands. “Great. I’ve got an idea that might help both of you. Give me a second to talk to his doctors.”  
“Uhm…o-kay?”  
“Trust me.”  
And with that, the young red-haired psychiatrist left the room.

It wasn’t until they stood in front of Gideon’s room, already wearing the protective clothing, that Roberts revealed her plan to Mitchell. “So, I talked to his doctors. First of all, some good news: He seems to recover better than expected and he’s stable. They don’t know how long it will take for him to be able to breathe on his own again. That’s why they keep him sedated. His body needs to recover a bit before they wake him up. That’s not only great news but also helps to follow the idea I had.”  
Mitchell who – for the first time in days – smiled a little, arched his brows.  
“And that idea is…?”  
“Follow me.”  
She disinfected her hands and entered the room and after a short hesitation, Mitchell did the same.  
“So?”, he asked once he stood next to Gideon’s bed, subduing the urge to run away once the fear crawled up his spine when he looked at all those tubes and machines.  
Roberts placed a chair on the left side of the bed and pointed at it.  
“Sit down.”  
Mitchell did as he was told, ignoring his shivering hands and legs.  
“Move a little closer.”  
“Why? Isn’t that dangerous or something? I don’t want to…”  
“Just do it, it won’t do him any harm.”  
Mitchell hesitated but then moved his chair a bit closer until his knees touched the mattress. “And now?”  
“This is just a try. Promise me to do as I say, even if it does sound stupid to you.”  
“What are you up to?”  
“Just promise it, private. For your own good.”  
Mitchell sighed and nodded.  
“Place your hand on his heart.”  
“WHAT?”  
“I want you to feel his heartbeat.”  
“I don’t think that will help. I mean I can hear and see it on that monitor.”  
“That’s a machine and you don’t trust it. You need convincing proof. Just try it.”  
“What if that causes a flashback?”  
“I’m here. And I did go through military training. I can tackle you away from that bed faster than you’re able to say ‘oh’. I make sure you don’t hurt anyone.”  
“But his wounds…”  
“His doctors agreed on this. It’s not dangerous.”  
Mitchell still hesitated.  
“I know it’s hard. You don’t want to allow yourself to hope because you think that does protect you, but it doesn’t…”  
“I feel stupid. He…I know him, he’d find that pretty awkward. He’d beat the shit out of me if he knew.”  
“That doesn’t sound like him from what I heard about him.”  
Mitchell laughed. “Well then somebody told you crap. Because that’d be just like him.”  
“All I know about him is what you told me. And you told me the story of a man that carried you through a falling building just to save your life. You told me you are like family to each other. He would want to help you.”  
“I’m not sure.”  
“Well you have to talk this over once he’s awake. But it won’t harm him to feel that a friend is with him. In fact, studies show that little touches and somebody talking to them helps patients to recover.”  
Mitchell sighed and shook his head. “If I do it, will you at least stop talking?”  
“I’ll stay silent as a grave. Oh. Pardon the metaphor.”  
“Ok. If you think of this as a good idea…”

Mitchell lifted his shaking hand in slow motion and gently put in on Gideon’s chest. He slowly moved it, searching for his heartbeat and nearly jumped once he found it.  
He felt the strong pounding against his palm and immediately relaxed.  
Gideon was still there. Lifting his gaze, he looked at his captain’s chest and watched it moving up and down. What had felt numb now ached with pain from seeing Gideon this weak, but it was a relief to feel a hot tear rolling down his cheek. Lifting his other, mechanic hand, Mitchell carefully wiped a strand of hair from Gideon’s forehead and left it on his cheek.  
“Gid’ I…” his voice died and he closed his trembling lips, removed his hand from Gideon’s unmoving face but left the one on his heart. The beating calmed him down and he longed to hear it. To listen to its natural sound instead of that beating. With the pain and worry, a wave of affection rolled over Mitchell and suddenly there was nothing he’d wish for more than to be able to feel Gideon’s embrace. Shaking his head, he had to laugh at his own thoughts, smiling at the imagination how Gideon would call him a softie and a sissy if he knew any of Mitchell’s feels. He missed that bastard so much, but still, it was great to feel he was there, close, alive. And finally, Mitchell understood there was hope at last.

As a tiny smile conquered his face, he heard somebody clapping and turned around to see Roberts secretly wiping a little tear from the corner of her eye.  
“And that, private, is why I graduated with an A+. I’ll leave you some privacy for a couple of minutes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am trying to depict PTSD as good as I can, because it's a very serious topic.  
> But anyway, I can't imagine how horrible this kind of trauma must feel. So pardon me, if I don't suceed in depiting it more realistic.  
> I deeply respect everybody who tries to cope with something like that.


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitchell continues his therapy and realises that his life really needs some changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here comes the next chapter...  
> Warnings: Sad, fluffy, sassy Ilona, and a bit of kitsch.  
> Enjoy!

12.

Mitchell watched the curtain covering half of the window move as the wind made the trees outside shake. It was some nasty weather outside and Mitchell was glad to be inside. Leaving the window open to let some fresh air flood the moldy room, he sat down on his bed and continued to look outside.   
It’s been two days since he’d been released from the hospital. In order to stay close to Gideon and to be able to continue his therapy with Dr. Roberts, he had decided to stay at a hotel close to the hospital. He wasn’t fit for duty anyway, so the military had given him some time off until he was stable enough to be working again. Mitchell already guessed that he might return to sentinel but it would be fairly unlikely for him to be firing any guns anytime soon in the future. The possibility to end up as an office-worker seemed far more realistic. Months ago, a future like that might have bothered Mitchell. But right now, he didn’t care any longer. He even felt a little relieved. Even if Dr. Roberts had really helped him and he slowly began to feel better, he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to return to war and fear and blood. He felt like he’d finally had enough. Maybe an office-job would do. It was only a job, after all. Roberts was trying to teach him that life wasn’t supposed to be all about work and Mitchell thought she had a point. Maybe it was time to let go of the past and to start over. 

Still, Mitchell felt like shit. It wasn’t his own future that scared him. He would recover as he always did, he was a cat that only ever landed on its feet. It might take some time, but he would be okay. Not good, but okay. What really scared him to death was the state that Gideon was in. The doctors had kept him in coma for more than three weeks now, saying that his lungs were what worried them but always kept telling Mitchell they were “optimistic” he would fully recover. But as long as they still admitted that death was still a possibility for Gideon, Mitchell didn’t believe another word they said. After he had finally understood that Gideon wasn’t dead yet, the numbness had left him and pain conquered his feelings, his thoughts and his heart. It was like burning to death on the inside, seeing his pale and unmoving face every day that was now half-covered with a wild beard and holding his hand that felt so heavy and lifeless and not like Gideon at all. It was like sitting next to the wax-figure of a person you miss like hell. He really did miss Gideon. His dirty jokes, his swearing, the way he smirked and laughed and the sparkling is his eyes when he won at a poker game and practically robbed Mitchell’s savings, the sound of his warm, rough voice carrying his thick british accent that Mitchell had always liked more than he’d ever admit, Gideons ruffle through his hair when he was trying to annoy him, he even missed the worried look in Gideon’s gaze when he skeptically looked at his implant and asked him if he was okay. He missed the real Gideon with all of his rough edges and imperfections and his grumpiness. Losing Gideon would feel like losing a part of himself- once again. It wouldn’t only mean to lose a friend, but a person that felt like a piece of his life. They had been best friends for years, but now that Mitchell had understood they could eventually be more than that, it felt like he had missed his only chance to be with the right person. If Gideon wouldn’t survive or wake up, what would he do? Just carry on? He could barely imagine to do so. 

Blinking away the tears, Mitchell got up to get his meds that Dr. Roberts had given him to calm him down before going to bed. He took two of the shiny white pills with a glass of water, got out of his clothes, showered and went to bed. As he closed his eyes, the memories returned, forcing him to reopen his eyes. Breathing hectically, he lay in the dark and swallowed. “Try to control the memory.” Dr. Roberts had told him. So he tried. Closing his eyes again, Mitchell tried to remember the feeling of Gideon’s heartbeat. He felt a little stupid, but it calmed him down a little. It wouldn’t spare him the nightmares but it still made him fall asleep.

 

“What do you mean, you don’t think you’ll come back?”  
Ilona threw him a look that was set to kill and took the angriest sip of coffee that Mitchell had ever seen. Placing his hands on the table, Mitchell sighed.  
“Look, I…I thought about this a lot and…I’m done with this. It always ends up bad and I and the people I love end up hurt and I can’t see how I can continue a life like this forever.”  
Ilona hesitated, then smirked.  
“The people you love? Interesting.”  
Mitchell blushed a little. “You know what I mean.”  
“Well I’ve been knowing that for years. I just didn’t know that you know.”  
“What the hell are you talking about?”  
“Oh, come on. You and Gideon eye-fucking each other and all those longing stares and this embarrassing silence at the end of all of your conversations, you blushing at every “fuck me” and him freaking out with every bruise of yours…it wasn’t really that hard to see, Mitchell.”  
Mitchell opened his mouth and then closed it again. Speechless.  
“Don’t tell me you didn’t know he was into you? He even bought you a fucking Christmas present!”  
“It was a bottle-opener in the shape of a pair of boobs.”  
“He never bought anyone a Christmas-present. Not even me. And I’ve been his friend for quiet some time. He doesn’t do presents or hospital-visits or worried looks. He only does that with you.”  
“I never knew…”  
“Don’t tell me you didn’t even know that you were into him?”  
“How would you know…”  
“It was for everyone to see! You were acting completely awkward together before we went off to the mission. Just the way you secretly looked at each other…god, like teenage girls!”  
“Great. I didn’t know anything.”  
“What made you see it, idiot?”  
“Well, you know…to watch somebody die gets you thinking…”  
Ilona’s smile dropped. “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”  
“He will get better.”  
“Will he? And if he doesn’t?! What am I supposed to do then?”  
“Mitchell…it’s not that I’m not worried. He is my friend and I like the bastard, but…he’s Gideon. Gideon doesn’t die.”  
“I never knew you were an optimistic person.”  
“I’m not. I just know him. He’s tough and way too stoic to let some bullets and a knife take his life away. He’s just taking some time off in the land of sleeping beauty.”  
“I hope you’re right.”  
“I’m always right. And I’m still pissed that you want to quit.”  
“I didn’t say I’m going to quit.”  
“But you…at an office, planning a mission that you’re not participating in…I can’t imagine that. And we need you back on the field.”  
“Ilona, I can’t.”  
She shrugged, finished her coffee and got up to leave the hospital’s cafeteria.  
“Take your time to rethink that, private.”

 

After Ilona had left to return to her command – she had just taken a day off to visit Gideon and see if Mitchell was okay – Mitchell went to see Dr. Roberts for his daily session with her. She greeted him with her usual smile and offered him some coffee that he gladly accepted since he was terribly tired.  
“So, how was your day up to now, Mitchell?”  
“A little, um…confusing.”  
“You want to talk about it?”  
“It doesn’t have anything to do with…you know…the PTSD.”  
“Okay. But do you want to talk about it?” She took a sip of her coffee and put some messy strands of hair, that had slipped out of her ponytail, behind her ear.  
“No, not at the moment.”  
She nodded and put her cup on the coffeetable to reach for her notebook and her pen.  
“Do you sleep better, now that you don’t have to stay at the hospital any longer?”  
“Not at all. It’s worse.”  
“And by worse you mean…?”  
“The flashbacks are still getting better, but the nightmares are more…explicit now and it’s hard to fall asleep.”  
“Ok. That’s totally normal, Mitchell. It’s been less than a month. You may not expect miracles. I know it’s hard, but you need time to recover. Any idea why the sleeping got worse?”  
Mitchell crossed his arms in front of his chest, leaned back in his chair and cleared his throat, before he answered.  
“I’m afraid that the phone will ring and they’ll tell me that he died.”  
Dr. Roberts nodded. “You feel guilty, because you’re not here all day, right?”  
“I don’t know, it’s just…”  
“It’s alright to feel that way, Mitchell, but you need to know that there’s no need for you to feel guilty at all.”  
“It’s just weird that I just had some bruises and…stuff and he…it’s unfair.”  
“You can’t take all the hurt on you, Mitchell. It’s not your fault.”  
“I know. I mean, in my brain, I know it.”  
“Feelings don’t know any logic, right? Just try to remember that this feeling is totally irrational.”  
“I will.”  
“So, did you decide whether you want to return to your job in case I should allow you to?”  
“I did.”  
She raised her brows, curious.  
“I don’t want to go back to fighting, but I don’t know how to do anything else than being a soldier. No one outside the military would give me a job.”  
“I see. If I talk to your authorities, we might get you into a position that’s less dangerous and less demanding, but you’d still serve your country. If that is what you want.”  
“You mean office-work.”  
“Most likely.”  
“Ok.”  
“Ok? I somehow expected more resistance.”  
“A month ago, I would have torn your office into pieces at the thought of doing paperwork, but…it’s just a job, right?”  
Dr. Roberts smile transformed into a grin and she nodded. “Yes, absolutely.”  
Mitchell saw her noting the word “Progress” in major letters in her notebook and smiled.  
“I wouldn’t have understood that if it hadn’t been for you, doctor.”  
“It’s Sophie, Jack. You can call me Sophie.”  
“What makes me deserve this honor?”  
“You just made me very proud. And I like you. And people I like may usually call me by my first name.”  
They looked at each other, smiling, until Sophie broke the silence.  
“It really is a bloody shame you’ve already fallen for somebody else.”  
Mitchell opened his mouth. Speechless again.  
Sophie laughed and made a waving gesture. “Forget it. I didn’t say a word.”  
Mitchell shook his head, laughing, until Sophie continued with her next question.

 

When Mitchell left Sophie’s office, the first thing he did was to look at his phone that he always muted during the therapy sessions. Expecting nothing but to look at a display showing him the time, he winced at discovering that he’d missed five calls which all came from the hospital. He swallowed hard as fear crept up his spine and started running before he even understood where he was going.

“Private Mitchell! Wait!”  
The nurse jumped in front of him and Mitchell just barely managed not to knock her over and stop. “What happened?!”  
“Calm down, private.”  
She touched his shoulder carefully, but he just shook her hand away.  
“TELL ME!”  
“Everything is okay. He is alright.”  
“What do you mean?”  
She sighed and smiled a little.  
“He’s awake and he asked to see you.”  
Mitchell opened his mouth as tears flooded his eyes. Spechless, again.  
“Follow me, private. His doctor wants to see you before you go visit him.”  
Mitchell just followed her without hesitation.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you’re waking him up?”  
“We wanted to avoid that you’d develop false hope. It’s not very likely for a patient to wake up without complications after such a long time.”  
“But he did?”  
“He did. That doesn’t mean he’s completely out of danger, but it means a great deal for his recovery. He’s able to breathe on his own now and he can even speak. His brain seems to be working totally fine.”  
Mitchell let out a shivering sigh and swallowed.  
“Can I see him now? Please?”  
“Of course. He’s been asking for you ever since he woke up. But remember that he’s still very weak. Don’t let him get upset. He needs rest.”

Mitchell was shaking when he opened the door and entered Gideon’s room.  
For a second, there was only silence, until the shadowy figure inside Gideon’s bed moved its head and called his name. “Mitchell!”  
Mitchell closed the door behind himself and came a little closer, swallowing hard at hearing Gideon’s rough voice and seeing his eyes open and looking at him with concern.  
“I’m so fucking sorry, Mitchell…”  
“Gid, I…” Mitchell sank on the chair next to Gideon’s bed with shaking legs.  
“I’m so glad you’re back…don’t ever do that to me again!”  
Gideon smiled a little. “We’re not getting sentimental now, are we?”  
Mitchell shook his head, swallowing a sob. “No. No, of course not.”  
A tear left his eye and he just hastily wiped it away, when Gideon suddenly touched his hand with a touch as light and shy as a feather and he jolted like he had just been electro-shocked.  
“Maybe we will. For a second. If you never tell anyone.”  
“I won’t.”  
“Good. Well then…erm…thank you. For, you know, saving my old ass.”  
Mitchell let out a laugh. “That was nothing.”  
“They told me. It wasn’t nothing. And besides, I remember everything.”  
“Well, I owed you for Baghdad, so we’re even now.”  
“Yeah.”  
They fell silent and Mitchell desperately tried to hold back all the things he wanted to say or do and just sat there starring at the floor, overwhelmed by his own feelings.  
“So you say, you remember, uhm…everything?”  
“Yep.”  
Mitchell frowned. “What’s the last thing you remember?”  
Gideon cleared his throat with discomfort.  
“I don’t exactly know.”  
“What do you mean…?”  
“I…you just said something and then everything went dark.”  
“What did I say?”  
“It’s a bit of a blur.”  
“Ok, so you actually do not remember?”  
“I do. But I don’t know if it was, you know, real.”  
Mitchell hesitated for a second, then took Gideon’s hand and held it, when he tried to pull it back. “Mitchell, don’t be a girl…”  
“Shut up for a second, will you? What if I tell you, it was real?”  
“You don’t even know what I mean.”  
“Yes, I do know.”  
Gideon swallowed, looking him in the eye. “Did you actually really mean it?”  
Mitchell swallowed, looked away, blushed and then nodded with hesitation.  
Another tear rolled down his cheek but he no longer cared.  
“I really did mean that I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I just finally wanted and needed to write a chapter a little more light and I just couldn't resist to let Mitchell confess his feelings...
> 
> How do you think Gideon will react?


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gideon is a little overstrained with Mitchell's confession of love which leads to a lot of misunderstandings and....other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEAVY FLUFF WARNING.  
> If the guys have been slightly IC until now, here comes some heavy corny fluffy OOCness, but I couldn't help it.  
> The relationshipf tag is active from this chapter on and...well I just really hope you enjoy this after all the blood and drama and stuff. I hope you don't find them too much of lovebirds and...now I just shut up and let you read ;)

There was a long silence only filled with the beeping noise of the monitor showing Gideon’s heartbeat that had gotten a little faster with Mitchell’s sudden confession.  
After a few seconds, Mitchell let go of Gideon’s hand, sprung to his feet and ran a shaking hand through his hair. “Fuck…I don’t know where that came from. I just…I thought you had forgotten it…just…I should better go now. I’m sorry”  
He turned away to hastily leave the room and flee from his huge embarrassment, but a voice held him back. “Jack, wait!”

Mitchell froze in his place and cleared his throat. “You don’t have to say anything. Let’s just forget about it. I was stupid.”  
“Goddamn, Mitchell. Just come back here, will you? I don’t want to keep talking to your back.”  
“It’s already embarrassing enough.”  
“Come back here and behave like a fucking adult, for fuck’s sake!”  
Mitchell slowly turned around with a sigh and returned to his place next to Gideon’s bed but didn’t even lift his head to look at him.  
“Ok.” Gideon cleared his throat. “You…said it out loud. That’s…a bit of a surprise, I must admit.”  
“I shouldn’t have…”  
“Shut up! I can’t speak much yet so stop interrupting me!”  
Mitchell fell silent and Gideon hesitated.  
“This is difficult for me, you know…I just…hadn’t much time to think about…well…erm…this kind of…you know…stuff.”  
“It’s okay. I’m not expecting you to feel the same way, I was just mistaken.”  
“I didn’t say anything like that. I’m…it’s a little confusing.”  
“Yeah. It is.”  
“I didn’t know you meant it serious back in the desert. I thought it had been because I was practically dying.”  
“You thought I just loved you because of the situation? What the fuck, Gideon?”  
“No. No, I just thought you only said it to, you know, comfort me. I’m a bit taken aback by it. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be embarrassed. I’m the idiot in this. Not you.”  
“I didn’t say it because you were dying. I said it, because at that moment, I understood it. Fuck, Gideon, I didn’t know it before. And I wish I had just kept it to myself.”  
Gideon swallowed and cleared his dry throat again.  
“Don’t wish for that, Jack. I’m…” he shook his head, ran out of words and instead just took Mitchell’s hand again. “I told you what ‘nevermind’ meant for me, didn’t I?”  
Mitchell suddenly looked up and locked eyes with his seemingly confused captain.  
“Wait…are you saying what I think you are?”  
“You’re fucking complicated. I don’t know what you think I mean”, Gideon chuckled.  
“You believe us to be just friends, right? Close friends, but friends.”  
“I don’t. I…fuck I’m not doing this. I’m not a freaking poet. Don’t act like an idiot. You know that I mean that I do like you more than a friend, okay?!”  
Mitchell opened his mouth in astonishment and stuttered something incomprehensible.  
“What?”  
“You’re really gonna make me explain it, right? Great. Hand me the water, will ya? My mouth feels like the fucking desert itself.”  
Mitchell handed him the water without comment and waited for him to start talking again, whilst he felt how his hand inside Gideon’s started to nervously sweat.  
Gideon drank and handed the empty glass back to Mitchell and looked away.  
“Ok. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but o-kay. You know, Mitchell, I haven’t been in what people call a “relationship” for more than a decade. I’ve had my fun, but I’m not used to this emotional crap. It’s only complicated and…I always tried to keep this away from me as far as possible. But then there were you. And…fuck…I very early knew that you were special. The best friend I ever had. But until Baghdad…I…I had no clue that I could feel like this. Like a stupid teenage-girl confessing her long held-back feelings to her best friend. I don’t do things like that. I’m not that kind of person and you know this. But…fuck it, I do have feelings for you. There, I admitted it. There goes the rest of my dignity. You can have it, because I no longer care. I want you to know it.” Gideon ended his monologue with a cough and some hectic breathing. He felt as exhausted as if he’d just ran a marathon. Looking at Mitchell, he waited for a reaction and tried to stay calm. He was freaking out on the inside but totally not ready to admit that. 

Mitchell finally stuttered again until he got himself together and frowned in doubt.  
“You have feelings for me?”  
“As I said, yes.”  
“As in…romantic feelings?”  
“God, I hate that word.”  
“But that way?”  
“Yeah.”  
Mitchell shook his head. “I just can’t…believe it.”  
“Well I told you before. In the desert. You remember?”  
“I thought that was fever-talking!”  
“Oh, okay. So why did you just “I love you” me right after I woke up?”  
“It just happened. I didn’t think.”  
They fell silent, looking at each other in confusion and doubt and relief and understood how stupid they were behaving. Gideon let out a little laughter and Mitchell joined until Gideon’s face turned into a grimace of pain and he groaned.  
“You okay?”  
“Yeah…just a bit early for laughing.”  
“You got to be careful, Gid. They said it’s still a long way to recovery.”  
“I know. But thanks to you, I’m still here, right?”  
“Yes, you are.”  
Gideon watched tears gathering in Mitchell’s eyes and lifted his hand to put it on his face.  
“I’m not going anywhere, Jack.”  
“Promise me that you’ll be alright.”  
“I promise.”  
“Okay.” Mitchell’s voice was a trembling whisper, so Gideon’s face showed some worry.  
“Are you okay though?”  
“Yeah. I’m fine. I was just worried about you, idiot.”  
“What about your injuries?”  
Mitchell made a waving gesture.  
“Just a couple of bruises. Nothing too bad. I’m as good as new.”  
“And the implant?”  
“Working again.”  
Gideon let out a small sigh of relief. “Good.”  
Mitchell smiled a little and allowed himself to lift his hand out of Gideon’s and to shyly stroke his shoulder.  
“You’d better try to get some sleep now. You need rest.”  
“Apparently I already had a lot of rest recently.”  
“You can barely keep your eyes open.”

They locked eyes and suddenly, nothing really mattered anymore.  
No doubts, no pain, no insecurity.  
Gideon slowly sat up against Mitchell’s heavy protest and gestured him closer, touching his face again and slowly wiping a strain of hair from his forehead.  
“Gideon, I…”  
“Say another word and I’ll kill you.”  
Gideon’s threat was accompanied by a smile and voiced in a soft tone and so Mitchell just smiled back and nodded, allowing himself to sit down carefully on the edge of Gideon’s bed and soflty stroke his neck, feeling Gideon’s pulse race under his fingers.  
Before he could voice any protests in worry of Gideon’s health and too much stress, he felt a hand on his own neck pulling him closer and suddenly, Gideon’s face was only inches away. Their eyes kept checking the other over, still not believing they were both here alive and breathing and together. Their eyes were asking the other for silent permission, before they wandered off to shaking lips that were touched by choppy breaths that mingled between them. It was Gideon who finally reached out to touch Mitchell’s soft lips with his thumb and made the younger man flinch.  
Gideon smiled a cheeky little smile. “What’s wrong, Jack?”  
“If you leave me hanging in the air like that a little while longer, I’ll go insane.”  
He tried to lean even closer, but Gideon held him back.  
“Shh. No hurries.”  
And with that, he leaned his forehead against Mitchell the way he had done it back in the desert when he had been just barely alive and Mitchell closed his eyes and tried to fight back the bad memories but started to shiver.  
“Look at me, Mitchell…”, Gideon whispered as he felt him tense up.  
Opening his eyes again, Mitchell calmed down as he kept his eyes fixed on Gideon’s that shone with questions and worry but melted to affection once Mitchell’s smile returned when he took his face in his hands and softly stroke his cheeks with his thumbs.

Without further hesitation, Gideon closed his eyes and slowly lay his lips on Mitchell’s, who eagerly leaned forward, closed his eyes again and returned the careful kiss.  
Mitchell felt as if his heart was going to explode and longed to just grab Gideon and never let him go again but held himself back and just let his hand grab Gideon’s hair.  
Gideon smirked against Mitchell’s lips and Mitchell started to grin and then their lips touched again and they sank into a passionate kiss full of long suppressed longings and desperation and Gideon pulled Mitchell even closer, putting his arms around his shoulders and stroking through the curly waves of his soft hair, longing to feel Mitchell’s body against his own, finally without any doubt but held himself back, knowing he wasn’t healthy enough yet and just bit Mitchell’s lip and they discovered each other’s lips and mouths and tongues until they both felt breathless and they finally parted.

“Wow.” Mitchell said, catching his breath.  
Gideon nodded, an evil little grin on his face. “Not bad. Not bad at all.”  
They smiled and Mitchell wanted nothing more than to hug Gideon and to bury his face at his chest, but knew it was too early and too dangerous and just sighed.  
“You should try to sleep now.”  
Gideon snorted. “I’m wide awake now.”  
His face and tired eyes told a different story, so Mitchell just rose his brows in disbelief.  
“Yeah, okay…I will sleep. But only if you promise not to watch me.”  
Mitchell smirked. “I wouldn’t ever do that.”  
“Good. We need to repeat this anytime soon.”  
“What ‘this’?”  
Gideon just grinned. “Making out.”  
“You call that making out? Wow. You’re way more innocent than I expected.”  
“Oh, private Mitchell wants it more rough. Okay. I can do that. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”  
Mitchell chuckled. “One step at a time, okay? You’ll have a tough day tomorrow.”  
Gideon nodded, the smile disappearing from his face. “I know. They told me I might have to learn to walk again.”  
“You will be as good as new in no time.”  
“Yeah. Sure.”  
“Gid…” Mitchell grabbed his hand, but Gideon just put on his well-practiced fake-smile and swallowed.  
“It’s okay, really.”   
“I’ll be here tomorrow. You’re not alone in this.”  
Gideon nodded, mumbling a grumpy “thank you” before freeing his hand from Mitchell’s touch. “Now go and get some sleep yourself. You look like a fucking zombie!”  
Mitchell smiled, leaned down to kiss Gideon goodbye and turned to leave.  
“Goodnight, honey.”  
“I kill you once I got out of here, Michelle!”  
Mitchell left with a giggle that left Gideon smiling a minute at least before the happiness vanished a bit and the fear of the future returned.  
He hadn’t told Mitchell everything and he had asked the doctor not to do so as well. In front of him lay a rocky road back to life and it still wasn’t sure whether he would be able to make it. Mitchell didn’t need to know about the rising fever and the inflammation in his leg. He’d manage it. No needs to worry his best friend…or boyfriend…or whatever Mitchell was now.

Euphoria left pretty soon after Mitchell had phoned Ilona and Sophie to tell them that Gideon was awake and recovering. While Sophie simply told him how happy she felt for them, Ilona had asked him if they were a couple now but Mitchell hadn’t told her anything about their talk and the kiss. He wanted to keep it secret until he knew what kind of thing this was going to be. He wasn’t sure if he wanted Gideon so close now that he was basically a wreck. He didn’t want to pull him into his struggles with PTSD and the long recovery and everything was just very new and insecure. Still, the butterflies kept flying in his stomach and he felt happy right until he closed his eyes and the nighmares returned nevertheless. When he woke up in tears and sweat, the bed next to him felt burning empty and he asked himself why the fear kept eating him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like it?  
> I'm so curious to know your opinions on this!
> 
> By the way: This is still TBC for a long line of chapters. No happy ever after in sight yet, folks ;D


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gideon can be a stubborn asshole at times, but Mitchell might soften him...or won't he?  
> Meanwhile, sentinel still desperately searches for the traitor inside its own ranks. And everybody is suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It again really took me some time to write this and I hope you forgive my slowness once again.  
> I hope you enjoy this.  
> It is again a little fluffy in a way but also a little dramatic (as usual).

14.

“Are you suggesting that Mitchell is a traitor?!” Ilona looked at her commander with a mixture of anger and disbelief.  
“All I’m saying is that he was the last to join Emery’s squad. We have to interrogate him.”  
Ilona gritted her teeth with anger.   
“I told you he’s not ready to talk about it. Ask his therapist!”  
“This is important. We can’t wait any longer. Emery will be interrogated as well.”  
“None of them has anything to do with this. You’re insane if you think otherwise.”  
“Watch your tone, captain.”  
“I’m not gonna watch my tone as long as you keep making false accusations.”  
“I understand the three of you have been knowing each other for a long time, but that doesn’t guarantee you know them as well as you think you do.”  
“Captain Emery nearly died and private Mitchell saved his life. I don’t understand how that doesn’t wipe any suspicions away!”  
“It might have been a part of their plan. A risk they took.”  
Ilona snorted and clenched her fists.  
“That’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard.”  
“Are you willing to risk a suspension, captain?”  
“You’re just holding onto this stupid story because you have no idea who betrayed us and sentinel is putting pressure on you to find out immediately. Right?”  
“You remember that Emery has been behaving wrong before? He’s a former Atlas employee and he stayed there even after he knew what they were doing.”  
“He was collecting information! And besides I thought that had been cleared out before you decided that he’d stay.”  
“Apparently we were wrong.”  
“So why are you not accusing me then?”  
“Oh, we were. Every former Atlas-Soldier was suspicious. But the remaining soldiers of your squad convinced us that you fought the enemy hard and are responsible for our victory and the capture of their camp. We’re thankful for that.”  
“I did it to save my comrades, commander. Not to do you a favor.”  
And with that, she left the commander’s office without having been dismissed.

 

Gideon had long been wide awake when his doctor entered the room with a way to cheerful “Good Morning” for Gideon’s taste. His grumpy answer was a single “Morning”, as Dr. Rivers, followed by a nurse, came closer and took a look at Gideon’s patient file.  
“I hear you haven’t been sleeping very good last night?”  
“No.”  
“Are you in pain?”  
“It’s alright.”  
Dr. Rivers raised his brows but didn’t comment the captain’s stubbornness. After working nearly ten years at a military hospital, he had gotten used to patients that acted this way.  
Checking his temperature quickly, Rivers sighed.  
“You fever didn’t rise but it also didn’t decrease since yesterday.”  
“And?”  
“I’d like to take a look at your infected wound.”  
Gideon nodded and pushed his blanked aside to pull his trousers down far enough to give the medic access to his wound at his upper leg that was covered with white bandages.  
Gritting his teeth, he looked away as Rivers examined the state of the healing and even let out a little hiss when he touched it. The wound was burning with pain and had kept him awake all night, but he still tried to swallow the pain and tell himself that this wasn’t bad at all. After Rivers finished his check-up, a new bandage was wrapped around his leg by the nurse and he had to think of something else not to moan as she carefully put disinfection on it for the seemingly one-thousands-time since he had woken up from his coma.  
“I’ll give you something to suppress the pain in a minute, captain, but before, we have to talk about your current state.”  
“I don’t need painkillers.”  
“You do, trust me. The wound doesn’t look too good.”  
“What do you mean by that?”  
“The inflammation got worse.”  
“How’s that even possible?”  
“Your immune system had a lot to take recently…this has just been a minor infection, but it spread and got worse and apparently, the antibiotics we gave you are no longer working.”  
“And what are you gonna do about it?”  
Rivers sighed. “There are two options. The first one means that we wait another day and try a different antibiotic and hope that the infection doesn’t spread further. I wouldn’t advise you to choose this option. The second one is surgery. We cut the infected flesh away and threat it with antiseptic and still give you another antibiotic. That minimizes the risk of a dangerous sepsis and a possible infection of your complete leg.”  
“Wait…you want to cut pieces out of my leg? No fucking way.”  
“I know this sounds rather radical, but I’m afraid it might be the only possibility to prevent you from the danger of eventually losing your leg.”  
“Are you fucking kidding me?”  
“The surgical option we have now is a good one. The infection spread, but we would still only need to cut away a small part of flesh. You’d be recovering a little slower than expected, but you’d most likely be able to return to full health.”  
“You mean I won’t be able to walk for a longer period of time, right?”  
“The healing after a surgery like that takes some time. It might throw your recovery back two or three months, but it doesn’t endanger your ability to be walking again after you’ve healed up properly.”  
“And if I just choose to wait?”  
“The infection might decline, but it might also turn a lot worse. That means a lot of extra-pain and a lot of danger. If the infection does spread further at your current state of health it might damage your leg forever or even kill you. It’s a very high risk that I absolutely wouldn’t advise you to take.”  
“But it’s my decision?”  
“Captain Emery, I really think you should…”  
“I’m a soldier, doc. I need to get back onto the field. My squad or what remains of it needs me back on duty. I can’t accept a longer recovery than necessary and I know what a risk means. Taking risks is my fucking job.”  
“Taking risks is what nearly got you killed.”  
Gideon flinched at the tone of the voice coming from the door and looked up.

Leaning against the wall there stood Mitchell who must’ve entered the room without anyone noticing. He looked angry.  
“Mitchell. How long have you been standing there?”, Gideon asked with a frown.  
“Long enough to know that you’re a reckless idiot.”  
Doctor Rivers held up his hands. “Private Mitchell, would you please leave until I finished my talk with the patient? You’re disturbing his privacy.”  
Gideon snorted. “It’s alright. Let him stay. We’re done anyway, aren’t we?”  
“Alright. I can return to test your lungs later on. But I advice you to rethink your decision. I’ll be back in a hour.”, he said and left together with the nurse.  
Mitchell watched them go but stayed at his place against the wall after the door had closed behind them. “What kind of asshole are you, really?”, he asked with a voice that was shaking with anger.   
“This is none of your business.”  
“Isn’t it?”  
“No.”  
“Because you think that I saved your life just for you to throw it away?”  
“You’re being melodramatic, Mitch.”  
Mitchell shook his head at Gideon’s smirk and looked at the floor.  
“You heard he told you that you might as well lose your leg?”  
“He’s exaggerating. It’s just a worst-case-scenario.”  
Mitchell snorted and took some steps towards him, his face clouded by a dark expression.  
“You don’t know how it feels like to lose a part of your body. If you would, you wouldn’t even think of taking a risk as stupid as that.”  
Gideon swallowed. “I didn’t mean to offend you, but this is different…”  
“You know I was lucky that they were able to even save a part of my arm? It was a close call. A doctor a little less capable might have left me even more crippled than I am.”  
“You’re not crippled.”  
“I have to rely on an implant, Gideon, an artificial piece of metal and stuff that completes my broken body. But it’s not a part of me. I can’t sleep wearing it and sometimes, it does more harm to me than good.”  
Gideon swallowed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to suggest that you haven’t been through a tough time, but you can’t compare this to your situation…”  
“Watch me, I can.”  
Mitchell fumbled at his implant and Gideon watched him with concern.  
“What are you doing?”  
Mitchell didn’t answer but continued to fumble and then suddenly, Gideon for the first time ever looked at the stump of Mitchell’s remaining upper arm with shock.  
“You see this? That’s all I’ve got. A stump I can’t use for anything. I hate it so much I never actually showed it to anyone before. That’s what happens when you lose a part of your body, Gideon. It never stops to hurt.”  
The older man swallowed and sighed.  
“I’m sorry, Mitchell, but I won’t allow them to cut pieces out of me. I need to return to duty. I need to find the traitor and to end what we’ve started. It’s my fucking job.”  
“You’re really serious?”  
“I am.”  
“That’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard. It’s just a job Gideon, but this is your fucking life we’re talking about. This infection might kill you!”  
“This job is my life.”  
“It is not. You’re more than a soldier.”  
“Mitchell, please…we’ve had enough of that emotional crap yesterday. Spare me another round.” Gideon regretted the sentence right after it had left his mouth when he recognized that Mitchell looked like he’d slapped him.  
“Ok. Then just go ahead and kill yourself. But you can’t tell me not to care.”  
Mitchell turned around in an attempt to just leave.  
“I’m sorry, Mitchell. This came out wrong.”  
Mitchell stopped and turned around.  
“Did it? Because I understood it the way that yesterday was just crap-talking and I’m supposed to watch you kill yourself just because you think the whole military might collapse if you’re not around.”  
Gideon watched Mitchell staring at him with anger, his implant in his hand and his bare stump still exposed. “Ok. Maybe you’re right.”  
“About what?”  
“I was being an asshole.”  
“You still are.”  
“It’s just…what if I won’t recover from this surgery?”  
“You survived a hole in your lung. You will survive this.”  
“That’s not what I mean.”  
“You mean you’re afraid to be unfit for duty afterwards?”  
“I wouldn’t say afraid, but…yes.”  
Mitchell snorted. “If that’s your only worry…”  
“Says the man that did everything to return after Baghdad.”  
“That was different.”  
“It wasn’t! We’re soldiers, Mitchell. It’s the only thing we’re capable of.”  
“Don’t say that.” Mitchell shook his head as he felt sadness washing over him. “Don’t say that like we’re useless if we’re not on the field.”  
Gideon frowned. “What’s wrong with you, Jack?”  
Mitchell hesitated a moment. He had decided not to tell Gideon his secret, but he also never wanted to show his stump to anyone, so why shouldn’t he tell him?  
“I’m unfit for duty.”  
Gideon opened his mouth in disbelief and swallowed. “Why?”  
Mitchell took a deep breath.  
“I actually didn’t want to tell you, but you’re gonna find out anyway…it’s PTSD.”  
Gideon’s heart dropped. “Jack, I…”  
“It’s okay. I totally understand it if you’d like us to go back to being just friends now. I don’t want you to pity me.”  
“Shut up!”  
“What…”  
“I told you to shut up, for fuck’s sake. I’m not gonna have this conversation again. Of course I don’t want to go back to friends just because of that.”  
“Just because of that? I won’t be back to normal for quiet some time or maybe never.”  
“You really think me to be a total asshole, don’t you? I’m not willing to leave you alone with this, Jack. I want to be there for you, no matter what, you idiot.”  
“You’re sure? You really want to stand my flashbacks and nightmares and breakdowns? And the fact that I no longer am a proper soldier?”  
“I fucking do. We’ve been through worse.”  
“I doubt that.”  
Gideon hesitated. He wanted to just hug Mitchell and tell him it was alright, but it was still a little awkward between them and he wasn’t really used to showing his softer side. Pushing his doubts aside, he finally gestured Mitchell towards himself and tapped on his mattress.   
Mitchell slowly returned to his side and sat down on the edge of his bed.  
“So what now?” Mitchell asked with a raised brow.  
Gideon slowly lifted his left hand but then stopped midway. “May I touch it?” He gestured towards Mitchell’s stump and Mitchell swallowed. “Gideon, you don’t need to…please…”  
“Shh.”  
Gideon carefully put his hand on Mitchell’s shoulder and then slowly let it wander down towards the stump. He felt Mitchell shiver and paused. “It doesn’t hurt if I touch it, does it?” Mitchell shook his head. “No. But I never let anyone touch it. It’s disgusting.”  
“It’s not.” Gideon locked eyes with him and finally put his hand on the end of Mitchell upper arm to carefully stroke it. Mitchell flinched. “Please, Gideon…you don’t have to…”  
“I’m not disgusted. This is a part of you.”  
He used his other hand to softly put it at Mitchell’s neck and tried to pull him closer, but Mitchell pulled away.   
“Did I do something wrong?”  
“Yes.”  
“Okay. I didn’t know this was such a big thing to you…”  
“I’m not doing this as long as you still try to kill yourself. I can’t invest more into this – whatever it might be – if I might as well lose you. I couldn’t stand that.”  
“Are you trying to blackmail me?”  
“Maybe. Does it work?” Mitchell smiled a little and Gideon had to suppress a laughter.  
“It’s my decision, you know that.”  
“But it’s a bad one. Please reconsider the operation. Not for me, but for yourself.”  
“It’s two extra-months of rehabilitation, Mitchell! Two fucking months!”  
“You can let Ilona take the rest of your squad under her command as long as you’re not fit for duty.”  
Gideon sighed.  
“I hate you, you annoying bastard.”  
“No, you don’t.” Mitchell grinned but went back to serious as he watched Gideon frown.  
“Really, Gid’, waiting is dangerous. Don’t risk your life just to avoid two extra-months of absence. It’s stupid.”  
“So you’re not returning anyway?”  
“Not to active duty, no.”  
“Ok.”  
“Ok what?”  
“Ok, I’ll do it.”  
“The operation?”  
“No, the bungee-jump. Of course the operation, dummy.”  
Mitchell’s lips burst into a smile.  
“Thank you.”  
Gideon murmured some curses, but Mitchell still smiled.

 

Mitchell had to leave the room for the preparations on the surgery and waited in front of his room because he still wanted to wish Gideon good luck before they took him to the operation room. He was nervous. As much as he had talked Gideon into this – he still was afraid. The surgery bore its own risks, especially for someone who was still as weak as Gideon was. But it still was the best option and Mitchell tried to calm himself down by telling himself that Gideon was treated by some of the best medics this hospital had to offer. Besides, he felt somewhat relieved now that he had told Gideon about the PTSD. He still doubted that it was all going to be alright, but somehow, it lightened his mood that the older man had grown fond enough for him to show his softer side and to promise to stand by him. It was something to build onto.   
Looking at his watch to check how much time was left until he had to meet up with Sophie for their daily session, Mitchell didn’t notice three men approaching him.

“Private Mitchell?”  
Mitchell looked up and immediately sprang to attention.  
“General Cole.”  
“You’re under suspicion of betrayal and conspiracy. Join us for interrogation or we have to use force to oblige you.”  
For one second, Mitchell was paralyzed. He wanted to ask the commander if he was kidding and to tell him he couldn’t go now, but then he saw the deadly serious look in his eyes and swallowed.  
“I’m ready to answer any of your questions, commander.”  
“Good. Follow me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitchell's interrogation doesn't go very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there again =)
> 
> I'm sorry it took so long again. I'm participating at #NaNoWriMo this year and was so busy preparing and writing that I just didn't have so much time to work on this.  
> So I decided to continue this at night (it's 00:48 in germany and I really should be sleeping :D)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this =)

15.

Mitchell couldn’t help himself but felt ashamed for leaving without telling Gideon why and where he was going. As much as he was worried about the operation and as much as he feared that the interrogation might be very stressful, his biggest fear was that Gideon could be freaking out. If he’d told him that the commander had called him a potential traitor, Mitchell wouldn’t have been surprised for his captain to murder Cole on the spot for even suggesting something like that. He wanted to avoid that Gideon got angry at his state of health and he didn’t want him to worry about anything but his recovery. Mitchell would have to deal with an explanation for his disappearance later. Now, sitting at the back of the military car, he tried to focus on what was lying ahead and swallowed.

Gideon barely had the time to wonder where Mitchell had disappeared to so suddenly. His doctors wanted to do the operation as fast as possible to avoid the infection from spreading any further. Before he could ask any more questions or call someone to search for the private, he already was taken into the operation room and quickly had a mask on his face that got him so sleep before he had finished counting to ten.

Nobody spoke another word to Mitchell until they arrived at General Cole’s office. Nobody offered him a cup of coffee or a seat and so he just sat down at the chair opposite the general without his permission and decided to speak up, before he could start asking questions.  
“I know I had just joined the squad and that my Atlas past is a dark spot in my reputation. I know it must seem suspicious that this catastrophe happened right after my arrival. But I swear by my own life and by the life of those I hold dear, that I have absolutely nothing to do with what happened. I am no traitor and I never will be one.”  
“You’re the only person who could’ve had contact to the terror-cell without us noticing.”  
“How would you know that?”  
“Every former Atlas-soldier who joined us has been under surveillance.”  
“You’ve been spying on your own soldiers?”  
“You have any problem with that?”  
Cole threw him an angry look and Mitchell swallowed, bit his lip and shook his head.  
“No, sir. I understand.”  
“Why did you ask to be put back under Emery’s command?”  
“Because he used to be my captain at ATLAS. We’ve been through a lot together. He saved my life the day I killed Irons and we’re friends.”  
“But you must note that it can be interpreted as a step towards sabotaging our mission to destroy the ATLAS- terror cell at the desert.”  
“I had no intention to sabotage anything. I returned to duty to do my job. I hate ATLAS more than anyone. You know that I left to destroy them and nearly gave my life to stop manticore. Doesn’t that proof my loyalty towards sentinel?”  
“You’ve been seen talking to Emery in private the day that you arrived. What did you talk about?”  
“As I said, we’re friends. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time, and…”  
“What did you talk about?”  
Mitchell swallowed.  
“The mission.”  
“So he told you about it before the briefing?”  
“He did not tell me anything my fellow soldiers didn’t know.”  
“Anything else?”  
“Private stuff.”  
“Of what kind?”  
“He asked me if I was alright because I just returned from rehabilitation. That was it.”  
“He visited you back there, didn’t he?”  
“As a friend, yes.”  
“Did he tell you about his missions back then?”  
“No. His visits weren’t about our job. I didn’t even know if I’d be able to return to duty back then.”  
“So what did you talk about?”  
“I don’t recall everything. It was months ago and it was just…private stuff.”  
“Pardon me, private, but to me, this sounds like you’re trying to hide something.”  
The general looked at him with open contempt and raised eyebrows.   
“I’m not.”  
“Why don’t you tell me why your captain really visited?”  
“First: He wasn’t my captain back then. And he just came to cheer me up, to check on me. He was worried. Haven’t you ever been worried about a fellow comrade?”  
“This is not about me, private. But you two seem to be awfully worried about each other?”  
“What are you implying?”  
“Why don’t you explain to me what happened after you left the enemy-camp without permission?”  
“Without permission? The coms didn’t work. There was no way to communicate with sentinel. I was just trying to get an injured comrade to safety.”  
“Who, by coincidence, was you old friend captain Emery?”  
“He had been shot and stabbed and we’d been completely outnumbered by the enemy. I didn’t see another way out. The mission had failed.”  
“It did not fail. We conquered the camp.”  
Mitchell bit his lip and shook his head to keep himself contained, but couldn’t stop his voice from getting angry and loud.  
“At what price? Six soldiers dead and another five badly injured? This mission has been suicidal right from the beginning.”  
“Are you willing to criticize our planning?”   
“Indeed, I am.” Mitchell anweared, staring at Cole’s eyes with something close to hatred.  
Cole looked at him with a mixture of anger and disbelief but continued the interrogation as if nothing had happened.  
“What happened after you left the camp?”  
Mitchell took a deep breath and narrowed his head.  
“We reached the checkpoint where we had parted into teams at the beginning and succeeded in contacting Dex to ask for evacuation.”  
“He believed you to be traitors at first, is this correct?”  
“He did. But we convinced him to help us.”  
“What happened next?”  
“You know what happened.”  
“But I want to hear your version of the story.”  
The private clenched his fists to stop his hands from shaking and continued.  
“Alright. We waited for the helicopter which arrived soon. I wanted to return to the camp but the medic insisted on treating the grazing shot wound on my leg so I joined Captain Emery at the helicopter to return to the battlefield later. Then the helicopter was attacked and hit by a missile. I don’t recall the crash, I just know that I woke up in the middle of nowhere and started running before the wreck could explode.”  
“Leaving behind two fellow soldiers and the medic but rescuing your friend.”  
“No. That’s not true. The pilot, his navigator and the medic had been killed by the crash. We had to leave them behind.”  
“Lucky coincidence. Everyone who could confirm your story just died.”  
“You know that it has been an enemy missile that hit the helicopter. We’ve been told so by your own colleagues.”  
“But what guarantees that you didn’t plan this? What if this has been your escape-plan to cover your betrayal and to return and collect more information for the terrorists?”  
Mitchell stood up and angrily leaned his hands on the commander’s desk.  
“This makes absolutely no sense. Why would I risk being killed myself? Why would I risk my captain to be killed?”  
“Maybe your plan didn’t work out the way it was supposed to work.”  
“I had no plan! All I wanted was to save Gid-…captain Emery.”  
The commander raised his brows and frowned.  
“So you waited for the evacuation at the abandoned village?”  
“That’s correct.”  
“What did you do while you were waiting?”  
Mitchell blinked and swallowed. A beeping noise filled his ears and he felt himself starting to shiver. He knew he was close to having a flashback and tried to calm himself down by taking deep breaths.  
“I would rather not talk about that, sir.”  
“You better cooperate, private.”  
“We just…waited.” The shivering got worse and Mitchell could hear his own fast heartbeat in his ears as the panic came flooding in.  
“And?”  
“Captain Emery had a….cardiac arrest and I…” He fell silent, took a deep breath and continued with a shaking voice “…revived him, before the evac-team arrived. That’s all that I remember.”  
The beeping got worse and his vision blurry, the picture’s of blood and tears blinded his senses and he was half here, half there, desperately trying to convince himself that it was only a memory, that it was over, that he needed to pull himself together.  
“Once we knew we had a traitor in our ranks, we activated listening to all the active coms…”  
Cole’s voice sounded far away, like from another universe, but it pulled Mitchell out of his memory and back to reality. “What?”   
He sat down again, trying to rest his shaking legs and to hide away his shaky hands and the sweat dripping from his forehead.  
“We know that you and captain Emery are having an inappropriate relationship.”  
“Wait! We didn’t have anything like that.”  
“We listened to your talk at the desert. We heard what you said. Relationships between soldiers of a squad, or, even worse, of different ranks are not allowed.”  
“Captain Emery and I never had a relationship. We were friends. That situation was special. I thought, he was dying…”  
The beeping noise returned and Mitchell’s heart felt like it was tightening with pain.  
“We know that you have a relationship now.”  
Mitchell looked up and opened his mouth in disbelief.  
“How would you even know something like that?”  
“The nurses. We interviewed all of them.”  
“That doesn’t proof anything.”  
“It does.”  
“But what has this to do with us being traitors? We didn’t do anything wrong in the field. We never told any secrets to the enemy. We were neither spies nor traitors.”  
“But you have nothing to prove that, have you, Jack?”  
Being called by his first name was the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Mitchell was thrown back into the abandoned house, holding a dying Gideon who whispered his name in desperation. 

As Gideon woke up, the first thing he felt was a terrible pain at his leg and his lower chest. As he tried to take a deep breath, something bit at his rips and let him panic. What the hell had happened? Did something go wrong? He opened his eyes, just to see a nurse checking on him. As she saw his widened eyes, she tried to calm him down.  
“Shh. Everything is gonna be alright. Just calm down, captain.”  
“What happened?” His voice was shaky and his lips felt like dry paper, but the nurse understood his whisper.  
“You had a pneumothorax. That can be caused by an operation like the one you just had. They had to put a drainage at your lung to declamp the tension at your thorax. It’s alright. We keep an eye on that and in a couple of days, they’ll pull it out again. The doctor’s gonna tell you everything once you’re back at your room.”  
Gideon rolled his eyes. Why couldn’t anything ever go right? But before he could ask the nurse any other question, he fell back asleep.

When he woke up the second time, he was back at his room. Moving his head to the side slowly, he was a bit surprised that Mitchell wasn’t there. He had sort of expected the younger man to wait for him because he was…well, Mitchell. It didn’t seem like him not to be there. Trying to sit up and reach for his phone at his bedside table, he found out that moving was a pretty bad idea for a freshly-operated man and clenched his teeth in pain. His leg burned even worse than before and this flexible tube that was stuck inside a fucking hole at his lower chest shot a dragging pain through his whole upper body. Before he could even think about ringing for a nurse and some narcotics, the door opened and his doctor entered. Gideon visibly relaxed when he saw him smiling and greeted him with a hoarse “Hey Doc.”  
Dr. Rivers looked him over and nodded with satisfaction.  
“I’m glad to tell you that the operation went very well. There has been a minor complication with your lung, but the drainage should fix this in no time. We had to cut a larger piece out of your infected tigh, but the chances that the flesh will grow back perfectly normal once the healing starts are very good. If you follow our instructions and you stay careful, your full recovery won’t take more than half a year.”  
“Half a year?!?”  
“It will take some time for you to be able to walk again. Moreover, your other wounds still need to heal and your lung needs some training. You’ve got to be patient.”  
“You mean I will have to stay here for 6 months?”  
Rivers smiled a little. “No, you don’t. If you’ve got someone who could take care of you, you might as well leave in about a week, in case everything goes well. You can do your rehabilitation somewhere else and ambulatory if you wish.”  
“But the infection is gone?”  
“We hope so. It hadn’t attacked the bone yet and we removed all the infected flesh, so I’m very optimistic. Your fever already declined but we’re still going to keep an eye on that and we’ll continue to give you antibiotics and disinfect the wound once a day.”  
“And the drainage?”  
“If you stay as stable as you are at the moment, and your pulse rate implies that you are going to, we’re going to remove it in a day or two. I know it hurts, but we had to minimize the risk of another injury of your lungs.”  
“Well…thank’s Doc.”  
Rivers smiled. “You’re welcome. It’s my job. But you’re in pain, so I’m not gonna keep you waiting any longer for the most important question. On a scale from 1 to 10, how bad is it?”  
“I’d say 6.”  
“So I guess it really is an 8.”  
Gideon didn’t object, and so Rivers chuckled and took a note.  
“Alright. I’m gonna tell the nurse to give you something against the pain. Just try to get some rest and don’t move more than necessary.”  
Rivers attempted to leave, but Gideon had one last question.  
“Did you maybe see private Mitchell around, Doctor?”  
“Not since I came to prepare you for your operation. But I can ask the nurses.”  
“No. No, thanks. It’s not that important.”

After receiving some painkillers from the nurse that made him a bit dizzy and again very tired but fortunately eased his pain very fast, he tried to reach for his phone again, and this time succeeded. He checked for messages and found that Ilona had written him four times since the last time he had looked at his phone. He opened them and immediately felt a mixture of anger and worry tighten his chest.

08:00:15  
Gideon, Commander Cole thinks that you and/or Mitchell are the traitors. They are going to interrogate both of you in no time.   
09:00:02  
Did you receive my message? Is everything alright? Did Cole show up yet?  
11:20:16  
I just saw Mitchell enter Cole’s office.   
13:06:12  
Please don’t freak out when you read this, but Mitchell had a flashback at Cole’s office and they got him back to the psychiatric station. I’ll try to take care of him. Call me when you can.

Gideon let go of his phone and swallowed. He had to get to Mitchell. No matter how.

Dr. Sophie Roberts was out of her mind. Everything inside her wanted to hit the grey-haired, arrogant older man and she had to rely on all her self-discipline not to yell at him in an uncontrolled manner. “Commander Cole, what you just did to this soldier threw him back more than three weeks. He suffered a severe trauma and you, by your rude and pushing questioning made everything worse. He had stopped having flashbacks and now he suffered the worst one he’s ever had. Don’t you dare to do this to him ever again.”  
“Watch your tone, doctor! He is a suspect for a military crime. He had to be interrogated.”  
“But not without my permission!”  
Cole ignored her visible aggression towards him. “When can I talk to him again?”  
“Once he’s stable enough. And that won’t be the case for some time after what you just did to him.”  
“I can make you let me talk to him.”  
“Don’t you dare to come near my patient. He wasn’t even capable of what you’re accusing him of!”  
“What did he tell you?”  
“That you accuse him of being a traitor. That you asked him disrespectful, private questions. You scared him and stressed him until he freaked out. This trauma wouldn’t exist if any of the things that happened had been planned. This soldier just went through hell and you made him go through it again.”  
“You think the trauma proves that he is not a traitor?”  
“From a psychological perspective it wouldn’t make sense for him to suffer from PTSD the way he does if what happened had happened on any kind of purpose. Besides, the report of his last psychologist describes him as loyal, non-violent and dutiful. I doubt that a man like Jack Mitchell can be a traitor. You’re digging at the wrong hole.”  
Cole frowned. “Call me once he’s ready to talk.”  
Roberts just turned around and left to see if Mitchell was alright.

The way Ilona looked at him let him blush with shame.  
“I’m sorry”, he murmured weakly as she shook her head with worry.  
“I tried to warn you about Cole…He’s just…I can’t believe he did this to you. I’m going to report him. He would have needed to inform Roberts before questioning you.”  
“Thanks for calling her.”  
“I heard you yelling at the office. I had to.”  
Mitchell nodded and looked down at his bed’s blanked. He felt awfully tired from the tranquilizer that Sophie had given him and ashamed that he had lost control over himself once again. Ilona patted his hand and stood up. “I have to go before anyone notices that I was the one informing Roberts. Call me when you feel the need to talk.”  
Mitchell again just nodded and didn’t look up until she had left.

When Sophie entered the room, he was crying.  
She sat down next to him and carefully touched his shoulder.  
“It’s okay, Mitchell.”  
The private looked up with shimmery eyes and swallowed.  
“What happened at the office? I can’t remember.”  
“You’re sure you’re ready to hear this?”  
“I need to.”  
Sophie sighed.  
“Ok. You had another flashback and you threw yourself on the floor, yelling and beating the floor with your fists. When you didn’t stop, Ilona, who heard you screaming from outside, just called me and they let me in when I told them who I was. When I arrived, you were lying on the floor, weeping and hitting yourself with your bleeding hand. I had to give you something to keep you from hurting yourself any further. There was no way to get you out of the desert, no matter how hard I tried. Once the meds had kicked in, we brought you here. Cole will leave you alone until you’re ready to face him again.”  
Mitchell starred down at the bandaged knuckles of his left hand and swallowed.  
“I’m so sorry”, he whispered.  
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’ll help you to get out of this. I promise. And I bet that your captain will help you too.”  
Something about Mitchell came to life again.  
“Gideon. Can you find out if he’s okay? If his operation went well?”  
Sophie looked a little confused, but nodded as she saw the fear in Mitchell’s eyes.  
“Of course. I’m gonna check on him immediately and get back to you.”  
But she didn’t have too, since Gideon was yelling at a nurse just outside the door.

Since he had done plenty of unreasonable things in his life, it maybe wasn’t the most unreasonable thing to beg his doctor for permission to visit his friend at the psychiatric station. It had taken Gideon more than thirty minutes to convince Dr. Rivers that a short visit with a wheelchair wouldn’t kill him and another thirty minutes, until they had gotten his catheter out and found a solution for his drainage that he could carry around at the wheelchair, and now, the nurse wouldn’t let him see Mitchell. Gideon was tired, worried, in pain and angry. The dutiful nurse just had the bad luck to be the one he took it out on. Rivers, who accompanied him, because he couldn’t allow him to go alone, desperately tried to calm Gideon down, but he just kept shouting at the elder woman.  
“If you don’t let me see him, I’m gonna tear this fucking station apart. I need to see him! NOW!”  
Before the nurse could call for security service, she was sent away by Dr. Roberts, who hurried over to them and placed her hand on the raging captain’s shoulder.  
“Please calm down, Mr. Emery. Mitchell can hear you and your anger won’t do him any good.”  
“Are you his psychiatrist?”  
“I am.”  
“How is he?”  
“He is ok. He just needs some time.”  
“Can I see him?”  
Roberts sighed and exchanges a look with Rivers, who slightly nodded. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea for either of you at the moment, but I’ll ask him if he wants to see you, ok? But only for a couple of minutes. You look like you shouldn’t be up anyway.”

After some brief hesitation, Mitchell agreed to see Gideon, if only because he wanted to see if he was alright and to convince him to return to his bed as soon as possible. Sophie and Dr. Rivers allowed them to spend some minutes alone and both left when Gideon entered the room.  
“Are you alright?”, they asked each other in perfect unison and both nodded. None of them felt like laughing at the moment.  
Gideon moved his wheelchair next to Mitchell’s bed and took the younger man’s hand when he noticed that he was shaking. “I heard Cole interrogated you. I’m so sorry. Ilona warned me, but I didn’t read her messages and…god if this bastard ever does that again, I’m gonna kill him with my bare hands.”  
Mitchell tried to pull away, but Gideon held his hand even firmer.  
“He just did his job. It was me who freaked out.”  
Gideon noticed the bandage at Mitchell’s other hand which he was trying to hide from him. “How did that happen?”  
“It’s nothing.”  
“Mitchell…” His voice got unusually soft.  
“I had a flashback and… well…somehow hurt myself. I’m sorry.”  
Mitchell looked down at his blanked again as his eyes started to fill with tears, when Gideon suddenly put his hand beneath the private’s chin and forced him to look at him.  
“This is not your fault. And you don’t have to be sorry.”  
“You should stay in bed. You need to recover and not worry about me falling apart.”  
“You are not alone in this, okay?”  
Mitchell slowly nodded and finally allowed himself to really look at Gideon, who’s face showed that he wasn’t only worried, but in pain.  
“My god, Gideon, what is this tube? Is everything okay?”  
“Just some minor complication. I’m going to be as good as new in no time. I promise.”  
“Did the operation go well?”  
“It did. My leg will heal, the infection’s gone. No need for you to worry.”  
Clenching his teeth, Gideon noted that sitting with a wounded leg might probably kill him after all and decided that he really needed to get back to his room, even if it hurt like hell to leave Mitchell alone.  
“Listen, Mitchell. I got to go, but I want you to know that I am there. I’m not further away than two floors and you can always call me or write me. I keep my phone close. You hear me?”  
Mitchell nodded and allowed Gideon to softly ruffle his hair.  
“Ok. I’d actually hug you, but I can’t.”  
Mitchell smiled a little. “Wow. You’re turning into a softie.”  
“That’s just the meds. Promise me to try and get some sleep, okay? And visit me when you’re ready.”  
“I will.”  
“Goodnight, mate.”  
“Goodnight.”

00:15:16  
I know I’ve said it before, but I am here for you, really. But only if you never tell anyone I’ve grown so soft on you.

00:15:40  
Thank you. I’m not gonna tell anyone.

00:16:01  
Good.

00:25:00  
Mitchell? You’re sleeping?

00:25:02  
No. 

00:25:08  
You should be.

00:25:50  
Same goes for you. And besides…I can’t.

00:27:00  
Nightmares?

00:27:10  
Yeah.

00:27:18  
Try to think of something good before falling asleep.

00:30:01  
Like what?

00:45:00  
Like us. (Can’t believe I just said that.)

00:48:06  
Is there something like ‘us’?

00:48:11  
I’m not gonna have this conversation again.

00:49:02  
But I’m a wreck.

00:50:01  
Maybe I’m into wrecks. Try to sleep now.

00:50:03  
I will. Goodnight, Gid.

00:50:07  
Goodnight, Mitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how did you like it?  
> I'm sorry for letting them suffer so much.


	16. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys need to sort something out that has become Mitchell's biggest worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry.  
> I wanted to post this chapter before christmas, but I just moved to a new flat with my boyfriend and we didn't have a stable internet-connection for ages!  
> So here I finally am. With a chapter full of Kitsch and conversations running in circles.  
> I hope you like it despite the fact that I let the guys argue an awful lot.
> 
> Besides, I hope you had the most wonderful chrtistmas and wish you a happy, healthy, peaceful new year!  
> *hugs everyone*

16.  
The cold light of morning hit his face with no mercy and woke Mitchell from his short and anxious sleep. Rubbing his eyes, Mitchell sat up in his bed and looked at his watch lying on the table next to his bed. It was 07:19 am. He at least slept five hours thanks to the tranquilizers. That was something, wasn’t it?  
Trying to keep his brain from thinking about the day before, he got up and went to the bathroom. It wasn’t until he stood under the shower that the tears returned and united with the warm water falling on his tired, bruised body. He felt exhausted and desperate. After he had finally felt like he was going to be alright, after he admitted his feelings to Gideon and had gathered some hope for the future, the interrogation had shattered him again. He was shaking with fear of himself, understanding that he wasn’t going to be back to normal anytime soon. He really was a wreck. One that couldn’t be left alone without messing everything up. He was useless. A soldier without the ability to get back to the field. A friend without the ability to help. A human being without self-control. Wiping his face from water and tears he let out a sigh, turned the shower off and leaned against the cold flagging of the wall. He closed his eyes and focused on breathing, tried to remember what Sophie had taught him, tried to tell himself that this was just a step back but not the beginning of an end. He knew he could be getting better and he knew that his feelings were far from rational but it was difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when he was standing there at the shower all alone with an emptiness inside him that appeared to swallow all joy. It was as if someone had sucked all happiness out of him and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get rid of this sentiment. The things that Cole had said the day before made him realize now that he wasn’t good for Gideon, good for anyone. He was bad luck. Bad luck that should be avoided.

When he looked at his phone after returning from the bathroom, he deleted all four messages he had received from Gideon without even reading them. He’d made a decision.

 

It was midday when Sophie knocked on his door for their daily talk and sat down with him and some coffee.  
“How are you feeling today?”  
Mitchell shrugged. “I don’t know.”  
“Better than yesterday?”  
“I guess I should.”  
“But you don’t?”  
Mitchell hesitated, looked at his bandaged natural right hand and swallowed.  
“No, I don’t.”  
Sophie touched his knee briefly to make him look up and smiled a little.  
“It’s okay, Mitchell. Nobody’s expecting any miracles from you. You’ve had a horrible day yesterday and it’s totally okay to feel bad about all the things that happened not only yesterday but within the last months.”  
“It’s…I really was feeling better. I thought I might even get rid of the flashbacks in no time.”  
“But now you’re afraid they might stay for a good while?”  
Mitchell nodded.  
“Not only that. I’m afraid of myself. I mean, if I can’t control myself then what shall I do? I can’t be a real soldier again and as long as I behave the way I do, I endanger me and everyone around me. I am useless.”  
“I bet there are people who feel very different about you.”  
“You mean Gideon.”  
“For example, yes.”  
Mitchell swallowed again and bitterly chuckled.  
“Well it’s not like he won the lottery by gaining me.”  
“Why do you think that?”  
He shuffled in his chair, scratching his head.  
“I don’t know. He’s not damaged the way that I am. He can’t understand the way I feel. He’s strong, determined. He believes in a future. I…can’t even imagine a tomorrow.”  
“With him?”  
“With anyone. It’s as if there’s nothing left inside of me.”  
“You’re afraid of closeness, right? You think if you allow him to get closer to you, it’s going to hurt even more. The last flashback really hit you hard and you can’t stand thinking about losing him so you’re trying not to feel anything at all. Am I right?”  
Mitchell didn’t answer.  
“Look, Mitchell, I know you don’t want to hear it, but your recovery will take time and yes, it won’t only mean fun for the ones around you. And yes, you might have another flashback. Loving your captain makes you vulnerable and maybe he could be with someone who’s got less problems, but you can make it out of your inner darkness and it’s for him to decide whether he wants to help you with it or not.”  
“Who says I do love him?”  
Sophie raised her brows. “You told me so. And if you hadn’t I would still have noticed. You’re suffering even remembering the feeling of losing him and you still would sacrifice everything for him. It’s for everyone to see.”  
“Right. And it may not be. It’s not allowed.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“He’s my captain, right? He’s been leading my squad and he’s ranked higher than me. Which means that we’re not allowed to have a relationship which means that Gideon might get fired for my stupid feelings.”  
“Why would you think that?”  
“Cole knows about my feelings for Gideon and he never liked him anyway. He would love to get rid of him and I just gave him the reason to do so.”  
“But you’re not returning to active duty. You wouldn’t be in a squad with him again. It would no longer be forbidden.”  
“They have proof that we’ve been more than friends before.”  
“What?”  
“They listened to the coms the day we were trapped in the desert. I told him I loved him before he passed out. That might be enough for them to accuse him of having an inappropriate relationship with a fellow soldier. I ruined his life.”  
Sophie opened her mouth but didn’t say anything.  
“Nevermind, Sophie. I know you can’t help me with that. But please don’t tell me how I feel, because you have no idea. Don’t tell me that I’m afraid of closeness. I’m not. I want him as bad as I want to be normal again but I can’t. I am bad luck, and he doesn’t deserve that. Not at all. He shouldn’t be with someone who ruined his career because he was too stupid to cover a fucking microphone.”  
“Mitchell…”  
“I’d rather be alone now.”  
“But…”  
“You can tell me how wrong I am tomorrow. I don’t want to talk about it.”  
Sophie wrote something down in her notebook and got up.  
“See you tomorrow, Mitchell.”  
Mitchell just nodded, then turned away.

 

Gideon frowned. Why on earth didn’t Mitchell answer any of his messages?  
Starring at his phone, he reread the one-sided conversation and asked himself whether he had said something wrong.

06:00 a.m.  
Morning. Why on earth do they always wake me at the middle of the night?

06:30 a.m.  
Apparently they let people sleep like normal human beings at your station.

07:00 a.m.  
Will you come visit me today? Just asking because Ilona wanted to come by and I don’t know if you want to see her too?

07:15 a.m.  
Good news. If nothing goes wrong, I will be dismissed in three days. 

15:30 p.m.  
Ilona says hello. She told me Cole wants to talk to me tomorrow. I’ll possibly tear him to shreds.

16:50 p.m.  
Mitchell?

16:56 p.m.  
Jack, are you alright?

It was six p.m. now and Mitchell hadn’t reacted all day. Maybe he was just sleeping but maybe he was miserable and didn’t feel like texting. Gideon worried about him again and hated himself for behaving like an overly-attached girlfriend. Seven messages in one day clearly were too many. But still, Mitchell was his…whatever after all so wasn’t he allowed to be worried about him just one day after his mental meltdown? He sighed and bit the inside of his cheek. A part of his pride died, but he dialed Mitchell’s number nevertheless.

Mitchell left the phone ringing three times before he forced himself to answer the call.  
“Yes?”  
“Hey, mate.”  
“Gideon.”  
“Yeah…erm…I just, you know, wanted to check on you and since I can’t just come over…”  
“I am fine.”  
“Oh. Okay. Good.”  
“Anything else?”  
“Are you kind of angry with me or something?”  
Mitchell swallowed hard but couldn’t keep his voice from shaking at his next answer.  
“No, I’m not. But we shouldn’t…”  
“We shouldn’t what?”  
“The ‘we’ thing.”  
“What the fuck are you talking about?”  
“I can’t do this.”  
“Could you be a little more precise?”  
“I can’t...be with you.”  
“You’re busy? It’s okay. You can come over once…”  
“No. You don’t understand. I can’t be with you at all.”  
“Oh.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Ok.”  
There was silence and Mitchell forced himself not to start crying as he thought he heard Gideon swallow.  
“I got to go now, captain…”  
“Yeah.”  
Mitchell wanted to hang up but was stopped midway.  
“Wait a second, Mitchell. Are you breaking up with me before we even had some kind of a fucking relationship? During a fucking phone call?”  
“Gideon, I…”  
“No. No, it’s perfectly fine. Just one advice for the future, private. Don’t tell people you love them if you don’t want them to feel the same way. Makes you kind of an asshole.”  
“I never wanted to hurt you, it’s just…”  
“It’s fine. Just…nevermind.”  
It was that last word that made Mitchell finally burst into tears.  
“It’s better this way…”  
Gideon at the other end stayed silent for a second.  
“Are you crying?”  
“No.”  
“Why the fuck are you crying? You’re the one who just…whatevered me.”  
“I…”  
As Gideon spoke up again, his voice had gotten softer again.  
“Hey, you’re really crying. What’s wrong?”  
“Bye, Gideon.”  
“Hang up on me now and I come up there to kill you.”  
Mitchell didn’t hang up.  
“I’m no good, Gideon. It has to end.”  
Gideon snorted.  
“You gotta be kidding me. This is about some ‘I’m no good for you’ bullshit? What are you, Mitchell, twelve? I make my own decisions. Now get the fuck down here and tell me what fuck makes you think you have to get rid of me.”  
“You deserve better than me.”  
“God, really? If I could I’d beat the shit out of you for even thinking that. I want you, ok. I don’t care if that’s reasonable. You’re a pain in the ass and yes, at the moment you’re not exactly little miss sunshine, but I still…you know what I mean.”  
“But…”  
“Now we had that clarified, I want you to get your ass down here so I can punch you in the face for being so stupid.”  
Mitchell stayed silent.  
“Mitchell?” and then, softer “Jack, really. We can talk. In person. Tell me what happened. I really want to help you. That’s what more-than-friends do, right? They talk shit over.”  
“I don’t know if you will understand…”  
“I’m not Einstein, but I’m not stupid either. I’ll try, okay? Just come here and we’ll find a way to solve whatever kind of problem you invented. I really want to see you.”  
Mitchell bit his shaking lip and sniffed.  
“Ok. I’ll be there in five minutes.”  
“Hallelujah.”  
With that, Gideon hang up.

 

Sophie didn’t want to let him go and visit Gideon, but after a short discussion Mitchell succeeded in convincing her and was allowed to leave the station for an hour. He got inside the lift, still shaky and on edge and pressed the button for the second floor, when a nurse joined him.   
“Good evening, private.”  
“’Evening.”  
He looked at the nurse and frowned. “Hey, aren’t you the intensive care nurse I once begged to let me see my captain?”  
“I am. How’s your friend anyway? I hope he’ll fully recover? He’s a nice guy. Harsh, but nice.”  
“Yeah, he’s going to be fine, I guess. But I got a question for you. Do you share private details about everyone of your patients?”  
The lift stopped at the second floor and opened its doors, but Mitchell didn’t get out.  
The nurse sighed. “They said we had to tell them everything because it was a matter of national security.”  
Mitchell nodded. “I understand.”  
With that, he left and made his way to Gideon’s room.

 

Gideon heard the double knock on his door and sat up.  
“Come in.”  
It only took him a second to recognize that Mitchell was miserable. His eyes were red, his arms crossed protectively in front of his chest and he was visibly shaking. Gideon had feared that the private wouldn’t have the sun shining out of his ass after what had happened to him the day before, but he still was somewhat shocked to see Mitchell this much on edge. As Mitchell didn’t move but stayed standing next to the door, he pointed at the chair next to him. “Sit.”  
Mitchell did as he was told, just like Gideon had given him an order he had to obey, but didn’t look at Gideon who looked at him with confusion and worry.  
“Look at me.”  
Mitchell lifted his head and looked at Gideon, but avoided to look him straight in the eyes. Gideon reached for the private’s hand, but he rejected the touch and pulled his hand away.   
“What’s wrong, Mitchell?”  
“I already told you.”  
“Oh, you mean during our fabulous phone call? If you really wanna end this, before anything has really happened, Mitchell, so be it. But don’t cry if you really mean it.”  
“I mean it.”  
“I don’t believe you.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I can see that you’re shaking and uncomfortable and sad.”  
“I’m not…”  
“We’ve been friends for years, Mitchell. I’ve seen your worst days at recovery. I see it when you’re sad.”  
Mitchell finally locked eyes with him and swallowed.  
“Cole knows we…like each other.”  
“And?”  
“That means you could be getting fired.”  
“Why that?”  
“Because they listened to the coms that moment at the desert when I told you that I love you. You were my captain, the leader of my squad. It’s an inappropriate relationship.”  
Gideon laughed. “They won’t fire me.”  
“Cole suggested something like that.”  
“He can’t make decisions like that. Even if they accuse me of having an inappropriate relationship with you, they’d still have to prove it. You telling me that you love me is no prove. First, it doesn’t mean I feel the same way and second, you could have meant it in a brotherly way.”  
“But I didn’t mean it that way.”  
Gideon smiled a little. “I know that, idiot, but they don’t and I won’t tell them.”  
“They also asked the nurses here about us and they, you know, told them we were closer than friends.”  
“And?”  
“Isn’t that prove enough?”  
“Might be, but I’ll only get suspended, maybe degraded, but they sure as hell won’t fire me. There’s still rests of ATLAS terror cells out there and besides Ilona and you I am the only one who knows how these guys plan and which equipment they use. Plus they need me to find the traitor. I am the one who worked close with the soldiers in our squad. If they want to find out who did it, they need me.  
“But you don’t know who did it.”  
“Let’s say I got a theory.”  
“Which is…?”  
“I’ll tell you once I’m sure. Gotta talk to some people first. Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it. Cole won’t interrogate you again.”  
“But still…”  
“If every other thing fails, I could still blackmail Cole. What he did to you was against all rules. He didn’t ask your therapist first and he could actually be fired for his behavior if I tell the right people about it.”  
Mitchell looked down again. “You shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like that. It’s my fault you got any of these problems now.”  
“Bollocks. If you don’t stop saying ‘this is all my fault’ anytime soon, I’ll really punch you in the face. What the hell is wrong with you? Why all this self-hatred?”  
“Because I am bad luck. Everyone meaning something to me gets hurt or dies or worries about me instead of himself. You should be busy recovering instead of kicking my ass for being a whiny wreck.”  
“You’re not bad luck.”  
“Oh yeah? Ask Will, he might see this a little different.” Mitchell’s voice had gotten from shaky to angry and Gideon raised his brows.  
“This is still about Will? You couldn’t save him. Full stop. We are soldiers and soldiers die at the field. It happens. As risk that comes with the job. I know it’s tragic he didn’t make it and you lost your arm but none of this was your fault.”  
“But you…”  
“Me? You saved my old ass. At least four times at one fucking day. Besides, if I listened to you and hadn’t gone into that house on my own, I hadn’t even been shot and stabbed. It was you who kept me alive, Mitchell. You and you alone.”  
“I just can’t forget seeing you suffer and die while I felt helpless and useless. I just can’t. These flashbacks are haunting me day and night. Even if I’m not bad luck…how are you going to stand me being this overemotional wreck drowning in self-pitty? I don’t want to do this to you. You deserve someone who makes you happy instead of worried. ”  
Mitchell started crying again and his shivering got worse. The older man watched him and felt his own chest tighten. All he wanted to do was to hug Mitchell and hold him until he had calmed down, but he knew that wouldn’t work since Mitchell didn’t look like he could stand being touched now. So Gideon finally decided to do something more drastic. Swallowing the rest of his pride, he cleared his throat and let his softer side take full control of himself in order to show Mitchell that he wasn’t only worried about him or pitied him, but felt something else for the younger man.   
“Jack.” Gideon leaned forward with a hiss and ignored that the private was throwing him a worried look. “The only reason I’m here is you. We’ve been through so much fighting and you always had my back. You always were the best private in my squad, the only one I never suggested for promotion because I wanted him to stay around. Even at Baghdad, when you were the one nearly dying on me, you were the reason I kept going after we had stopped Manticore and finished off Irons. The last mission was horrible, and yes, I nearly died. But I didn’t. You made me survive this. You were there, you comforted me, you even fucking held me. You made the pain manageable, you made me fight, kept me from giving up, you bandaged my wounds, got me out of the camp, carried me through the desert and calmed me down when I was afraid. You revived me…I owe you so, so much.”  
“I…”  
“Shut up. I’m not finished. There’s something I haven’t told you and I actually don’t fucking want to, but…fuck it. Shortly before my heart stopped I really was sure that I was going to die, and I was afraid as shit. It’s not that I want to live forever, but who’s not afraid of the great big nothing? But you were there and the way you talked to me and held me close and fucking cuddled me calmed me down. I felt peaceful when I lost conscience, happy even. Because you were there and I realized that was all I actually wanted. I thought there were worse places to die than inside the arms of someone you love. You made even dying ok. And then you got me back and…I’m so thankful you did all that and that you told me about your feelings right after I woke up, because I needed this, Jack. I’ve been a lone wolf for years but I’ve had enough of that. You made me want something else and now I won’t allow you to take it away from me. I won’t let you go, because I love you, Jack Mitchell, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapters won't be so depressive and over-emotional.  
> We will finally get to finding the traitor of the squad ;)
> 
> Since I start working in January (I finally found a Job after graduating from University), I won't be able to update frequently - but were I ever ;D - but I'll try to keep this thing going as quickly as I can and I promise to finish it in 2016 ;)
> 
> How did you like the last chapter anyway? (I find it kind of horrible ^^)


	17. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk shit over. That's what more-than-friends do.  
> So Gideon has another confession to make and Mitchell finally understands that being damaged doesn't mean being alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took me ages again.  
> My new job just sucks the freetime put of my life, so I needed a couple of weekends to write this chapter.  
> Anyway: I hope you enjoy it.

Silence stood like a wall between the former friends as Gideon bit his lip in regret about his sudden confession. Looking at Mitchell, who’s face showed nothing but blunt surprise, Gideon asked himself whether it might’ve been better to keep his feelings to himself. He usually did that and besides the fact that this had always made him quiet a lonely person, it had never hurt the way the unbearable silence did hurt him now.   
Gideon was about to withdraw and say something stupid about how he didn’t mean it and that they should go back to normal if that was what Mitchell wanted, when the younger man suddenly cleared his throat and Gideon froze.  
“You’re not kidding, right?”  
“Hell, no.”  
“Ok.”  
Gideon raised his brows in frustration.  
“Seriously? O fucking K? I soulstrip in front of you and you just ‘OK’ me?”  
Mitchell swallowed. “I’m just trying to, you know…proceed this information. Somehow. Because I didn’t…expect it.”  
“You really still find this surprising?”  
Gideon shifted a bit in his bed and bitterly regretted the movement when his wound sent a burning pain trough his body.  
Mitchell shot him a worried look but Gideon simply snorted and so the younger man just shrugged and continued. “Kind of.”  
“After all you really still thought that I wouldn’t…”  
“No. No, that’s not the point. I believe you. I wouldn’t dare to doubt…what you said. It’s about what you said about what happened when you nearly died. I didn’t know the way you felt about this and the way you memorize it. I thought your memory was as horrible as mine.”  
“How does that even matter?”  
“You probably won’t understand. It doesn’t really make a lot of sense.”  
“Try me.”  
“Ok.” Mitchell took a deep breath and looked at his hands that had finally stopped shaking. “I felt guilty. I thought I’d let you down back in the desert.” Gideon opened his mouth, ready to protest, but Mitchell raised his hands to stop him. “The thing is…I couldn’t bear the memory of how you’ve suffered that day and you…” Mitchell chuckled “you remember it as kind of peaceful.”  
Gideon simply looked at him with confusion, so Mitchell just continued.  
“The thing with my PTSD is that some stupid part of my brain…it doesn’t get that I saved you, that you are still alive. It makes me relive the moment you actually died in my arms over and over again. My flashbacks are me, holding your lifeless body. I can’t even remember that I revived you. My memory’s just…let’s just say it’s pretty horrible.”  
Gideon’s face shifted from confusion to worry.  
“Mitchell, I…”  
“No, let me explain it. Please. I need to. It sort of helps to hear what happened from your perspective. Like a missing puzzle-piece added to the picture. I know this doesn’t make any sense but…my hands just stopped shaking and I…the fear is gone, at least for a moment. You just got me out of the desert and it does no longer half-kill me to tell you about it. Because…well, if you really feel the way you say you feel, who am I to try and make you believe I wouldn’t want to be with you. You don’t deserve those lies.”  
And that’s when Gideon, ignoring the horrible pain in his body and heart, pulled him at his arm and hugged him as hard as he could. Mitchell tensed up for a second, before he carefully hugged the older man back. When Gideon finally let go, he had to blink a little tear away and cleared his throat, staring at the ceiling.

“Why couldn’t you just have told me?”  
“I just wasn’t ready. And yesterday…I scared the shit out of myself. I wasn’t myself, still am not. When I say that I won’t be back to normal, I mean it.”  
“I know.”  
“No you don’t. I know you’re very understanding, but you can’t know how this feels.”  
“Yeah, well, I do.”  
Gideon sighed.  
“The memory of Baghdad nearly killed me. I fortunately didn’t suffer from PTSD, but the nightmares still haunt me. I know the way it feels to hold the lifeless body of someone you love. And I know it’s not easy to recover from that. I know you’ve been through a horrible load of shit within the last years and I know you’re damaged, but I’m damaged too. There are no soldiers without wounds that don’t heal. That’s just the way we are and it’s ok.”  
“May I O. fucking K. you now?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Ok.”  
“Ok means that you won’t just…call me again to cry me a river about how you’re not good enough for an old bastard like me?”  
“If that’s really what you want…I think so.”  
Gideon exhaled with relief.  
“Great. Because if you do that again, I won’t hold a big speech. I will simply let you go, you hear me? I got some of my pride left at least.”  
“Copied, captain.”  
“Good. Now tell me what exactly happened yesterday? What did Cole do to you?”  
“It was nothing, really. He just pushed the wrong buttons and triggered a flashback.”  
“Once I get out of this bed, I’m gonna crush his fucking bones.”  
“Calm down. It was an interrogation. He’s under a lot of pressure because they didn’t find the traitor yet. I hate the guy as well but beating him up would only get you thrown out of the military so…not the cleverest of ideas.”  
“The idea alone that he thinks you to be a traitor…how stupid can anyone be?”  
“Think it through. I was the new guy. I was at ATLAS. I asked to be put at this squad exactly. I knew everything about the mission. I didn’t get severely hurt. Evidences are clearly not in my favor.”  
“A traitor wouldn’t save his captain’s life.”  
“Yeah, well…” Mitchell chuckled. “They believe we did it together and you getting hurt was a part of our plan…some sort of cover.”  
“That’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard.”  
“If you were him, would you have any better theory?”  
“I have.”  
“But you won’t tell me?”  
Gideon hesitated, then sighed.  
“It has to have been someone who wasn’t only at our squad, but at our troop. Someone who could watch every single one of our steps. Someone with oversight of the situation.”  
“Dex? I thought you liked the guy.”  
“I thought it was Dex. The whole fucking day at the desert I thought it was him. But he got us a helicopter, remember?”  
“A helicopter that got shot. What a lucky coincidence.”  
“You’re doing the same Cole did. You just see the evidence and conclude. But it’s not that easy. Dex was afraid of us, remember? And there was real fear in his voice. If he was willing to kill us, he could’ve just let me bleed dry and shoot you from above. Would’ve been easier and less suspicious. Plus, he is a friend.”  
Mitchell still didn’t look convinced. “Who else did it if it wasn’t Dex?”  
“Dex wasn’t alone on that rock at the beginning of the mission.”  
“You mean…”  
“No loose ends, that’s what Irons told his men. No evidence, just a dead body that looks completely innocent. The guy barely spoke, always obeyed. The most suspicious kind of soldier.”  
“So you really think it was Chuck?”  
Gideon chuckled. “If I were sure, I’d long told Cole. But I don’t have any evidence. It’s just the only possibility that seems logical to me.”  
“But who told them about the helicopter if it wasn’t Dex?”  
“I guess they had several watchmen at the area. After Chuck told them that we were going to attack and were we’d come from, they didn’t need him any longer.”  
“That’s why he got shot.”  
“Right. So he couldn’t talk and we’d be busy searching for a traitor inside our own ranks.”  
Mitchell nodded but still looked rather skeptic.  
“I agree with you. It could’ve been that way. But it could’ve also been Dex.”  
Gideon shook his head. “No. He is a friend.”  
By the look in his eyes, Mitchell understood that Dex must have done something remarkable for Gideon before Mitchell returned under his command. His captain looked as if he’d slit his throat if he’d carried on suspecting that Dex might’ve been the traitor so Mitchell tried to kill the tension with a joke.  
“But really just a friend, right?”  
Gideon snorted. “Very funny.”  
“Will you tell me what he did that made you believe in him this much?”  
Gideon sighed.  
“I’ve known him longer than I know you, rookie.”  
“What?”  
“Was a recruit of mine in the Atlas days. He joined us about three years before you and we became friends. He was a good soldier and a good companion to drink to survival after the missions. After two years, Dex lost his wife, a researcher who worked at the labs, to cancer and quit duty. He joined sentinel when Atlas started going crazy. He wanted to find out if his wife knew anything about the Manticore plans. Turned out she did.”  
“Dex was at Atlas?”  
“Briefly, as I said. He hadn’t been at the military for years before he returned. He worked as a mechanic after Clara’s death.”  
“And you believe that?”  
“I know it.”  
“How?”  
“Because we stayed in contact.”  
“You had friends outside of Atlas? Wow, I never imagined you to have a private life.”  
“Dex was the only person outside of Atlas I stayed in contact with. I had to. Somebody had to stop him from drinking himself to death.”  
Mitchell looked impressed.  
“Wow. I knew you were a good friend, but that…”  
Gideon shook his head.  
“You don’t understand. I had to protect him. I still have to.”  
Mitchell raised his brows seeing the serious look in Gideon’s eyes.  
“What is it?”  
“You told me your secret so I should tell you mine?”  
“That’s what more-than-friends usually do.”  
Gideon snorted. “Honesty. So refreshing.”  
“You don’t have to tell me.”  
“No. No, it’s okay. Just don’t freak out because I never told you before. Not even Ilona knows about it.”  
“Ok.”  
Gideon took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead.  
“Clara used to be my older sister.”  
Mitchell opened his mouth to say something, but then hesitated, not sure how to react.  
“I…I’m sorry she died, Gideon.”  
Gideon swallowed and shook his head. “That happened ages ago.”  
“I had no idea you had a sister.”  
Gideon chuckled. “She was the one that got me the job at Atlas. Took her months to convince Irons that a former drunkard without proper education was the thing that his troops really needed.”  
Now it was Mitchell’s time to swallow. Never in all these years had Gideon talked about his past or said anything about his life before Atlas. All Mitchell had known was that he had no living family members.  
“You never talk about your time before Atlas.”  
Gideon looked him at the eyes and smirked bitterly.  
“It’s not a time I like to remember. But you showed me yours, I show you mine. Maybe that heals you from the hilarious believe that I’m ‘too good’ for you.”  
“You don’t have to tell me.”  
“Yeah, I do. It’s only fair. You wanted me to know what I sign up for if I’m with you so you should know that I’m as much bad luck as you.”  
“Gideon, don’t say that.”  
The older man sighed.

“I grew up at Liverpool. My family wasn’t exactly rich. My father had a shop for fishing equipment and my mum was a scientist. Nobody ever understood why a woman like her married the piece of shit my father was. She actually was the one that brought food on the table but she never earned more than he could drink up. She wasn’t payed very well. As a physicist, you only earn a lot of money if you do research on weapon development. She hated violence and therefore, never got promoted. My father’s drinking habit got worse after his shop had to close down. Nobody fished these days. I was sixteen back then, my sister was twenty-one already and had left town to study at Oxford. She had a scholarship because of her extraordinary math talent. I wasn’t very good at school, but I was okay. We mostly ignored my father’s rage. He only slapped me occasionally and threw furniture. I hated him, but I knew it could’ve been worse. And then it got worse. That fucking bastard heard a rumor that my mum was cheating on him with my chemistry teacher, which was bullshit, because the man was married to a man. Anyway, that piece of shit got himself a gun and shot my mum in cold blood. I was at my room when he came home at the middle of the night and walked straight into their bedroom. The bang woke me up. She didn’t even scream. He had shot her in her sleep. When I understood what happened, I chased after him. He tried to run away like a fucking coward and got hit by a car on the chase. The rest of the night I don’t remember. After the funeral, I was sent to live with my aunt but I developed a bad drinking habit of my own and she threw me out a couple of months later. My sister had moved to the states in the meantime and started working at Atlas. Knowing that I had to find a way to control my rage and remembering that I’d always been very sportive, Claire suggested that I’d become a merc. I had no better idea of what to do with my life, so I agreed and grew up at Atlas. Irons was like a second dad to me. Looking back, an abusive and psychopathic asshole, but one that saved my life. Turned out I was very good at being a soldier and I liked the people working at Atlas. I got over my mother’s death, climbed up the ladder and decided that I’d save as many people as possible. I met Ilona and Joker and we became friends. Claire and me decided not to tell anyone we were siblings so no one would ever ask about our past. I had a good life. Until I told Dex about my sister, introduced him to Claire, they fell in love and she died. It was bone-cancer. Dex and me tried to cope with it and it was hard but ok but then Dex’ started drinking and I had to make him stop so I threw him out of the squad and asked Irons to get him into rehab. He made it through and we stayed in contact. I picked up my usual work again and shortly after that, you joined Atlas. Rest of the shit you already know.”

Mitchell swallowed hard as Gideon finished and took a deep breath. Trying to find the right words, Mitchell opened and closed his mouth a few times, his tongue suddenly feeling awfully dry. In the end, the younger man came up with nothing better than a set phrase.  
“I’m so sorry, Gideon.”  
Gideon, obviously blinking away tears brought up by the memories, snorted and exhaled sharply. “Don’t pity me. I don’t need that. My past stays in the past. I didn’t tell you to be comforted. I’m over it. I just wanted to explain that I know loss.”  
Mitchell nodded. “I see.”  
“We’re both pretty messed-up, I guess.”, Gideon stated with a smirk and Mitchell returned it, finally looking his old captain in the eye and letting down his guard.  
“Is that why you never let anyone close?”  
Gideon raised his brows. “We’re not a support-group, okay?”

Mitchell understood that this was the line. As open as Gideon just had been about his past, he wasn’t willing to talk about what kind of a person this had made him. For someone like Gideon who always protected himself with a hard shell, it must’ve been hard enough to talk about such intimate things, so Mitchell decided not to push him any further but to be just thankful for Gideon’s will to share something with him that he imagined the older man didn’t share with anyone outside of his family before.  
“I just learned more about you in two hours than within the last years.” Mitchell said with a little smile and leaned back in his chair, his back feeling stiff.

Gideon shrugged. “Maybe.” He felt awfully tired and all the talking had made him feel dizzy and breathless. His lungs still hadn’t fully recovered and the painkillers he had gotten for his freshly operated wound - which had made him sentimental and talkative in the first place - started to stop being effective and so the pain and fatigue kicked back in and made him want for nothing but another round of painkillers and sleep. All day, he had worried about Mitchell and as much as he wouldn’t admit it, after that and thinking about the past, he felt emotionally exhausted. Mitchell seemed okay now and finding out about the traitor could wait until tomorrow. He just needed to rest. Give himself a break. He needed space to breathe. Mitchell felt too close, it was too much to bear and so he shamefully admitted to himself that he wanted to get rid of him for the rest of the evening. The normal Gideon would have just told the younger man to get the fuck to sleep but this version of him simply couldn’t. The thing about love is that you can’t wipe it away for a second when it overwhelms you. You have to cope with that longing, that caring, those fears all the time it is present and if you haven’t felt the joys it could bring yet, love hurts and makes you do things that you don’t actually want to do. Because of that, Gideon didn’t tell Mitchell to go the fuck to bed, but took his hand, pulled him closer and smiled as the younger man stood up and bend over him with a facial expression that barely hid his worries.

“You look tired. You need to rest.”  
“Nah, I’m fine.”  
“I shouldn’t have kept you up that long. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s alright. I was the one talking…” That’s when he started coughing.  
“Are you okay?”  
Gideon nodded and pointed at a glass of water on the bedside table.  
After Mitchell handed it to him, he drank in up in one gulp and took a deep breath.  
“Perfectly fine.”  
“How’s the leg?”  
“Healing.”  
“So you really can leave next week?”  
“In case the grim reaper doesn’t decide to give me a last-minute sepsis, yes.”  
He smiled, but Mitchell didn’t find it funny at all.  
“Sepsis?”  
“Calm down, that won’t happen. Doctor’s are perfectly happy and say I’ll be as good as new in a couple of months.”  
“So you’re gonna get into rehabilitation then?”  
Gideon hesitated whether now really was the time to bring it up, before speaking.  
“Yeah.”  
Mitchell looked a bit sad. “Oh, okay. Where?”  
“I’m not going anywhere, Jack. Calm down.” He said with a little grin.  
“Fill me in, I don’t get it.”  
“I may leave the hospital, but I do rehabilitation here. In case I can guarantee that somebody helps me out the first couple of weeks.”  
“I can do that.”  
“I knew you were going to say that.” He scratched the back of his head. “But I guess Sophie’s not gonna like it. And I’m not sure either whether we should…”  
“I’m fine. I mean…ok. If I talk to Sophie, I’m sure she lets me go and come to therapy every day. We could rent something for the time you’ll need to recover.”  
Gideon sighed. “Mitchell, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  
“Why?” he suddenly sounded angry.  
“Maybe because you had a breakdown just yesterday and nearly ended this whatever we have less than three hours ago? Or maybe because you call yourself a mess and I don’t want to bother you with my shit while you still recover from yours?”  
Mitchell bit his lip. Partly angry, partly feeling guilty.  
“Ok.” He sighed. “I get it. I’ll talk to Sophie about it and we find a solution, ok?”  
Gideon closes his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, okay.”  
“Good. I better go now. She’ll be worried about me. And you need to sleep. I can see that you can barely hold your eyes open.”  
“Shut up.”  
Mitchell smirked.  
“I will. Just one thing.”  
“Better make it quick. I can already hear the sandman calling my name”, Gideon murmured with a yawn.  
“I want this. This you and me thing. I got it now. It scared the shit out of me just hours ago, but now…I won’t leave and I won’t let go of you.”  
“How touching.”  
Sarcastic Gideon returned with the pain in his leg and Mitchell smirked.  
“I love you. Just so we have that clarified.”  
“I copy, private.”  
“Great. Good night then.”  
“Good night.”

Mitchell turned and wanted to leave, hesitated a second and turned on his heel.  
Gideon reopened his eyes just in time to smile a little, before the private’s lips got to touch his. Gideon lifted his hand to the younger man’s cheek and to his neck, pulling him closer and kissing him passionately. The hurt was gone and happiness numbed the pain for a second, until Mitchell pulled away with blushed cheeks and disappeared without another word. Gideon rang for a nurse and fell asleep immediately after the painkillers had kicked in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Traitor-Search, Military Problems and domestic life.   
> TBC


	18. 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitchell tries to convince Sophie that he is ready to leave the hospital while Gideon finally gets interrogated by commander Cole...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know. Mea maxima culpa.  
> My life was one hell of a ride within the last months because I started a new job (that I love) and it's very demanding so I barely managed to continue writing this.  
> I hope you're still willing to read this and I promise I will finish this, no matter what and I try to hurry up a bit :D
> 
> I want to thank all of you for all the kudos and super-lovely comments again! I'm sorry I didn't answear all of them but I promise to do that again in the future! :)
> 
> Anyways...enjoy the chapter!

18.  
As already expected, Sophie didn’t really like the idea of Mitchell taking care of Gideon during his rehabilitation.  
“Yesterday morning you were completely convinced that you were bad luck and needed to stay away from Gideon and now you don’t only want to continue your relationship but take over the responsibility for his care while he recovers? It can’t surprise you that I don’t find you stable enough. I’m sorry Mitchell, but I can’t allow that.”  
Mitchell calmly nodded. “I understand that you’re taken aback by my sudden change of mind, but a lot has changed since yesterday morning. I’m not that wreck anymore.”  
Sophie leaned back at her chair, her eyebrows lifted in curiosity and doubt. “So you’re trying to tell me that you went straight from ‘I am a horrible person and have to life alone through my horrors’ to ‘I’m okay and I want to live with my former captain’ in less than 24 hours and I’m supposed to believe this is a sane decision?”  
Mitchell lifted his hands and shrugged. “Look, I know how that sounds. It doesn’t make sense and I know I haven’t been magically cured. I’m still damaged and I still need to heal. My flashbacks won’t simply disappear and I won’t stop having nightmares anytime soon. But in difference to yesterday, I feel like I can make it. Like there’s something left inside me willing to fight my inner demons and my horrible bad luck.”  
Sophie nodded. “Ok. Explain it to me. Why do you feel so much better ever so suddenly? Something must’ve happened. Something that changed the way you see things.”  
Mitchell smiled and looked up to the ceiling, trying to keep a straight face without crying.  
“He just got me out of the desert.” The private answered with a shaking whisper.  
Sophie couldn’t hide her utter surprise: “What? How?”  
Mitchell shrugged. “I guess what made my flashbacks so horrible was the memory of how much Gideon suffered while he nearly died. I only remembered the moaning and the following silence and the blood and his lifeless body and…” he swallowed. “And I couldn’t get over replaying the scene over and over in my head. I kept asking myself whether I could’ve done better. But yesterday…Gideon told me he felt peaceful, and calm and even sort of happy before his heart stopped, because I was there. It sort of changed the way I look at what happened. I looked at him and his eyes were very much alive, nothing like the dead ones in my flashbacks and…I understood that he survived. That nothing I see in my flashbacks is true. He didn’t die, his heart just stopped until I got him back. He was never gone.” Mitchell shrugged. “It’s as if something in my memory fell back into place.”  
Sophie smiled a little and wrote something down at her notebook.

“Have you finally told him about your flashbacks?”  
“Yeah, I did. Why are you smiling like that?”  
Sophie put her pen down and bit her lip. “I smile because it’s one of the most important steps for PTSD-patients to share their problems with their loved ones.”  
Mitchell nodded, smiling.  
“I know this is a rather intimate question, Jack, but what exactly happened between the two of you? What did he do that made you regain your self-conscience over night?”  
Mitchell looked to the floor and blushed. “He just gave me the feeling that I am no longer alone in this.”  
“He admitted his feelings for you, didn’t he?”  
Mitchell bit his lip and nodded and Sophie let out a sigh of relief.  
“Finally!”  
“What?”  
Sophie laughed a little. “Sorry, I’ve just been hoping for him to open up to you because I knew you both desperately needed that. I knew I couldn’t help you out of this without him. And I’m just happy you apparently set things straight.”  
Mitchell frowned. “Maybe you’re right. I was afraid he’d back off, but now it’s kinda different.”  
Sophie smiled, chew on her pen, shool her head and sighed.  
“Ok, so here’s my offer: You get to leave the same day Gideon leaves and you may take care of him, as long as you keep taking the meds I prescribed you and attend therapy daily until your flashbacks and nightmares are gone for good. Deal?”  
Mitchell didn’t hesitate a second. “Deal.”  
Sophie smiled but then her expression changed back to blunt worry.  
“If I declare you stable enough to take care of yourself and a fellow comrade, I can’t do anything to protect you from Cole. I bet he takes you back to interrogation the second you walk out of the hospital. And you know that he’s gonna be hard on you. He might trigger another flashback, maybe even on purpose.”  
Mitchell swallowed, then nodded. “I know, it’s okay. I can’t hide from him forever.”  
“But Mitchell…”  
“I know I appear to be a big softie, but after all, I still am a soldier, Sophie. And soldiers don’t run. They face what comes for them.”  
Sophie slowly nodded. “Ok. It’s your life, your decision. It’s just…I came to like you and I want to make sure you’re okay. The both of you. Because…that’s sorta my job, right?”  
Mitchell sat up in his chair a little and smiled one of his rare warm smiles.  
“Thank you, Sophie. Honestly. Without you…”  
Sophie cleared her throat and stood up. “I…have another patient to attend, so…”   
She blushed a little and Mitchell held back a laughter. Apparently, Sophie wasn’t used to thankful patients.  
“So we’ll speak about my discharge tomorrow? I’d like to continue therapy with you but I don’t know yet whether that’ll be possible…”  
“Yeah. We meet tomorrow at six a.m so I can sign your discharge papers.”  
With that, she quickly left.

Mitchell watched her hurrying down the floor and got back to his room to start looking for flats at the area on his phone.

 

Gideon hadn’t been surprised when Cole immediately agreed to meet him for his interrogation. The much hated commander even had an empty room at the hospital arranged for his questioning and so at around midday, Gideon sat in his wheelchair across Cole and his angry staring assistant. The tube still stuck inside his lung and his freshly operated wound burning like hell, Gideon tried to keep a straight face. It hadn’t been easy to confirm his doctor’s to allow the questioning but he wanted to put it behind him and he wanted to find out what Cole was up to. Besides, by pulling Cole’s attention on himself, he took it away from Mitchell. Giving the private some peace to finally recover was Gideon’s top priority now that he had admitted to himself that he loved Mitchell even more than his job. So when Cole finally sat down on the only chair in the badly lit room and leaned forward with a hard stare, Gideon’s face and body showed no reaction. His face stayed plain and calm and only someone knowing him very well would’ve recognized the anger hidden in his eyes. 

“Did you, or did you not conspire with private Jack Mitchell in order to warn the terror cell you both belong to?”  
Gideon held back a snort as he watched the older man folding his arms priggishly in front of his chest. “Neither did I conspire with anyone about anything, nor am I a member of a terror cell. The same is true for private Mitchell, sir.”  
“Why would I believe you?”  
Gideon gritted his teeth and bit his tongue, trying to keep his temper.  
“Because I served as a help to finish off Atlas and I have proven myself loyal to the united states more than once since the day that I helped killing Irons. And because private Mitchell…”  
“We are only talking about you, captain. The private can speak for himself.”  
Gideon calmly nodded. “You can ask anyone that ever served under my command. I am no traitor. I didn’t have any nasty plan. I just carried out a mission that went wrong and I failed to identify a traitor within our own ranks. This was my mistake and I’m willing to take full responsibility of it, but…”   
“Oh, you will take full responsibility, believe me.” Cole bend over, his forearms on his knees and looked at him with barely hidden amusement.  
“But there’s one thing that really sparks my interest, captain. Am I really supposed to believe that you weren’t informed about your lover’s plans?”  
“What are you implying?”  
“Oh, I’m implying a lot. First of all, that you had an inappropriate relationship with a fellow comrade under your command. And second, that you knew that private Mitchell is a traitor who was delivering information to the terror cell we just erased.”  
Gideon swallowed, clenched his fists until his fingernails started gouging into his flesh and took a deep breath. “First of all: Private Mitchell and I didn’t have anything more than a friendly relationship before the mission. Second: I had no information on the private being a traitor and I seriously doubt that there is any good reason to suspect him of being one. He saved my life under horrible circumstances, risking his own life, which wouldn’t make any sense is his plan had been to harm our mission.”  
“We listened to your touchy little conversation at the desert, captain. There’s no point in lying.”  
Gideon snorted and shook his head in angry amusement.  
“I said before the mission, commander. Not during or afterwards. And yes, I am in a relationship with a fellow soldier now and I have no will to deny it. I am aware of the fact that this makes it impossible for me to stay his captain or to keep him in my squad.”  
Cole smiled a dirtly little smile. “This is all very convenient, don’t you think?”  
“You mean that I nearly died because you put someone dangerous into my squad without doing a proper background check and denied my request to cancel the mission once we had been discovered?”  
“Watch your tone soldier! I…”  
“Wait.” Cole’s assistant rose his eyebrows in disbelief. “Commander, there was no note in the mission’s report about a request by captain Emery to cancel it.”  
“Because there was no such request! He’s lying!”  
The assistant nodded. “Alright. But you have to understand that I have to double-check this. If captain Emery really asked to stop the mission, there’d be no reason to suspect him or the private of any bad intentions.”  
Gideon rose his brows in surprise and understood that the younger man wasn’t an assistant to Cole but a sentinel agent responsible to clear the case.  
“You will find nothing at the recordings. Emery lies!”  
Gideon gritted his teeth. “I did ask the command to cancel the mission. Long before I got shot. And Mitchell agreed with me on that. We both just wanted to get the team out alive. And if the recording hasn’t been manipulated, you will hear me demanding for an allowance to pull back. And if you collected intel from the conquered enemy camp, you might even find recordings of our attempts to reach you while the coms were being manipulated. You will hear private Mitchell begging for a medic and evacuation more than once. You will hear him and Ilona talking about a suicide-plan to rescue me. And if you don’t hear that at the material, it has been manipulated.”

The young investigator crossed his arms in surprise.  
“Commander Cole, you were responsible to check the intel but you didn’t report anything about Mitchell trying to contact you for help.”  
“Because he didn’t!” Cole got up on his feet and started wandering around.  
“Don’t tell me you believe this fraud, Hamilton!”  
The agent, apparently called Hamilton, shook his head in disbelief and touched his earpiece. “This is Hamilton for Unit 1. I want all the recordings collected at the terror cell’s camp protocolled. Every single word. Check for messages send by private Mitchell and report to me immediately.”  
Somebody answeared his request and Hamilton nodded.  
“So it was you?” Gideon’s eyes lit up with hated. “You ratted on us? You are the traitor?”  
Cole threw him an angry look, barely hiding his fury. “Don’t you dare, Emery!”  
Hamilton cleared his throat after touching his earpiece again.  
“Captain Emery, you’re free to go. Commander Cole, we need to speak. At my office. Immediately.”  
“What? Why?”  
“You will have to answer some questions, commander.”  
With that, Hamilton pulled the raging commander by his arm and out of the room and left a surprised and confused Gideon behind. 

Mitchell flinched as his phone rang and hectically grabbed it from beneath his pillow, answering the call. “Gideon? Everything ok?”  
“Get down here. Immediately.”  
“What happened?”  
He heard Gideon laugh. “Just come over. I need to tell you in person.”  
“Oh okay, I’m…on my way.”  
“Calm down. It ain’t anything bad. See you in a minute.”  
And with that, he hang up.

 

While Mitchell listened to Gideon explaining to him that Cole had apparently been the real traitor all the time and that agent Hamilton just called him to inform him that the charges against him and Mitchell had been dropped, he couldn’t help but sit there with an open mouth. “So it was all his fault?”  
“It was.”  
“Did he act alone?”  
“I got no idea, but right now, I don’t even care.”  
Mitchell looked at the older man in confusion.  
“What?”  
“They can’t pin it on you or me or Dex any longer. That’s enough for now. We can take our time to find out whether someone helped Cole.”  
Mitchell nodded hesitantly. He wasn’t sure that it was really over now and he still sort of wanted to find out, if Dex had something to do with everything, since he apparently was a close friend to Gideon but hadn’t visited even once. But for now, Mitchell decided to keep his worries to himself and smiled.  
“That means no one can do us any harm, right?”  
Gideon smiled. “I still might degraded for the us-thing, but I can cope with that.”  
They both laughed.  
“I got some other great news.”  
Gideon raised his brows. “Yeah?”  
“Sophie agreed. I may take care of you during rehabilitation. Been calling people for flats and I can look at one a couple of streets from the hospital tomorrow.”’  
Gideon opened his mouth and closed it, swallowed hard.  
“That’s…wow…”  
Mitchell’s wide smile dropped.  
“You don’t like the idea.”  
“No. I do like it! It’s…great. I just don’t want to, you know, make you feel like you have to take care of me. It’s not some sort of duty.”  
“If we are doing this ‘boyfriend’ thing for real, it sort of is.”  
Gideon frowned. He was worried that caring for him and living with him would all be to much for the traumatized younger man, but he decided to keep his worries to himself and forced himself to nod.  
“Okay. Good.” He grinned. “I’m gonna love ordering you about again.”

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: The domestic life of two Ex-soldiers. I'm already looking foreward to writing this since I already prepared some...interesting scenes *evil grin*
> 
> How did you like the chapter, by the way?


	19. 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the boys to return to the real world with slow steps and therefore, leave the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is nothing but fluff since I thought we all need that after all the drama. So here's some domestic Gidchell and I hope, you enjoy it ;)

Gideon nervously watched his doctor checking over his file while Mitchell stood in the doorway, his own discharge papers already in hand, arms crossed, waiting.  
“Lift your legs out of the bed for me, please, captain.”  
Gideon nodded and tried not to think about the doctor, nurse and Mitchell staring at him or the pain emerging in his leg as he slowly sat up and turned to the edge of the bed. With a suppressed groan, he finally managed to push his legs out of the bed and sit up straight. Sweat was pouring from his forehead and his hands clenched to the fabric of his mattress, but he smiled. “Ok, doc?”  
Dr. Rivers slowly nodded. “Good. Now breathe for me.”   
The doctor gestured him to lift his T-Shirt and put his stethoscope on his chest as Gideon started to take some deep breaths, hiding the pain it caused him as best as he could.  
Rivers stepped away and nodded. “Your lung already sounds a lot better than yesterday. It was the right decision to remove the drainage. And since your wound is healing just fine and your fever is gone, I don’t have any reason to keep you here.”  
Gideon grinned when Rivers suddenly held up his hand to stop him from saying something. “But still, you need to be careful. Don’t stand up on your own yet, avoid stress. Also no walking, no scratching at the wound. You have to be at physiotherapy every day and you will have to work hard. Don’t try to rush things if you’re willing to fully recover, is that understood?”  
“Yes, sir.”  
“Good. Your bandage needs to be changed every day as well and I’d advise you to take care of your scars in order to keep them from stiffening. You can let a nurse do it when you’re here for therapy, or you let someone else help you with it.”  
Mitchell moved a little closer to the scene and smiled. “I’ll take care of that.”  
Rivers looked at him and sighed. “Just promise me to keep an eye on him. I got a feeling that he’s going to expect too much from himself. He still needs a lot of rest and he might also be needing quite some help with everyday-things.”  
Mitchell nodded, remembering his own time of rehabilitation after losing his arm and after Baghdad. “I know. Don’t worry. I’ll be a good nurse.”  
Gideon let out a snore and Mitchell tried to keep down a laugh as Rivers rose his brows and finally attempted to sign Gideon’s discharge papers.  
“Well, you’re free to go then. The both of you.”  
He shook the men’s hands. “I wish you all the best.”  
With that, he and the nurse left the room and Mitchell didn’t waste another second to start packing Gideon’s belongings in a bag he had brought with him.

Gideon let himself fall back into the pillows, letting out a barely hearable hiss and worriedly watched Mitchell gathering his stuff.  
“You’re sure you want to do that, Jack? Last chance to back off. I could still go to a rehabilitation clinic, you know? You could visit…”  
Mitchell’s movements came to a halt and he turned around to face his friend.  
“You don’t trust me.”  
Gideon raised his hands in defence. “No. I mean yes, I do trust you. I just don’t want you to endanger your own recovery for my sake.”  
Mitchell smiled and shook his head. Putting the bag down, he walked over to Gideon’s bed and sat on his mattress. “Don’t worry. I continue therapy and I take my meds. Besides, Sophie thinks that it’s going to help me to spend time with you and to have something else to do than to stare at the ceiling of my bedroom.”  
Gideon smirked. “If you say so.”  
Mitchell nodded. “It’s gonna be fine. The flat I rented is small but nicely furnitured, I already bought you some fresh clothing and something to read. The hospital provided us with the medical supplies we’ll need to take care of your wound and a wheelchair for the first couple of weeks, I got our meds and I bought an ugly old car to drive you around. It’s parked outside.”  
“When exactly did you become a perfectly organized housewife?”  
Mitchell smirked and softly hit him against his upper arm. “Shut up, you jerk and sit up again so I can get you out of that bed finally.”  
Gideon did as he was told and tried not to feel helpless and humiliated when the taller man finally lifted him out of the bed and into the wheelchair.  
“Ready to go?”  
Gideon nodded and tried to return Mitchell’s optimistic smile.  
When they left the hospital ten minutes later and Mitchell helped him into the car, he felt a mixture of relief and fear.

The flat Mitchell had rented really was pretty small, but sort of charming. It consisted of two tiny bedrooms, a living room with a small kitchen and a surprisingly huge bathroom with a ground level shower and an additional bathtub.  
“Pretty impressive bathroom.” Gideon mumbled under his breath when Mitchell showed him around. Mitchell snorted. “Our luck they build this the largest room of all. Leaves some space to maneuver the wheelchair around.”  
“Yeah.” Gideon sadly nodded and Mitchell pushed him to the next room, his bedroom, which contained nothing but a large bed with fresh white covers, a small cupboard and a bedside table with a tiny lamp on it.  
“Here we are. Your casa.”   
Gideon rose his brows and snorted. The younger soldier ignored his friend’s bad mood and stepped beside him to be able to see his face while talking to him.  
“Shall we get you out of there? You look a bit pale.”  
Gideon snorted again. “No. Just let me sit a bit. I’m sick of lying around.”  
“You heard what Rivers said.”  
“He said I shouldn’t sit up on my own. I didn’t.”  
Mitchell rolled his eyes. “Ok, fine.”  
For nearly a minute, their conversation died and they stood there, silently staring at the empty bed. “Please tell me we got a fucking television.”  
Mitchell chuckled and pushed him back to the living room where there stood a television right opposite an old grayish sofa. Mitchell placed Gideon’s wheelchair right next to the sofa and handed him the remote before pulling his mobile from his pocket.  
“Hungry?”  
“I’ve been having shitty hospital food all week. What do you think? I’m starving!”  
“Pizza?”  
“God, yes.”  
While Mitchell ordered some Pizza, Gideon switched on the television and started browsing through dozens of shitty afternoon programs, trying to keep a straight face as he felt the pain of his wound getting worse from sitting that long. But he tried unsuccessfully.   
“Gid’, you’re alright?”  
“For every fucking time you call me Gid’ I’ll punch you in the face once I’ve recovered, you bloody nag.”  
Mitchell crossed his arms in front of his chest and sighed. “You’re in pain.”  
“I’m not.” Gideon threw him a threatening look that let him flinch.  
“Yeah, you are. We can move the television to your bedroom, you know?”  
“I’m fine.”  
“Ahmh.” Mitchell nodded in disbelief.   
Gideon gritted his teeth and sighed. “Stop acting like a mother hen, okay? I’m a grownup.”  
Mitchell nodded, somewhat hurt. “Yeah, sure.”  
He left for the fridge and returned with a beerbottle.  
Gideon reached for it, smiling, but Mitchell pulled it away from him and took a sip.  
“You’re still on antibiotics.”  
Gideon grunted. “Fuck me.”  
Mitchell suppressed a laughter as he looked at Gideon’s frustrated face while he manically kept changing the television channels without even looking at the program. But the longer he watched Gideon staring angrily at the television, the more his smile declined. He saw sweat dripping from Gideon’s forehead again and noticed his stiff jaw and shaking hands. Gideon clearly was exhausted, but to proud to admit it. Mitchell hesitated another second, before he put his beer down, took the remote from Gideon’s hands and kneeled down in front of him.  
“Gideon, look at me.”  
The captain resistantly obeyed. “What?”  
Mitchell took Gideon’s shaking hands into his own and sighed.  
“I know it’s annoying and I know you don’t want to be treated like you’re ill, but Gideon…you are ill and you need help and there’s nothing to feel ashamed about.”  
The older man snorted. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
Mitchell smirked. “You remember what I told you about your visit last Christmas, when I was the one being hurt?”  
Gideon shrugged, looking away.  
“You said I was stupid for trying to act all strong and well-adjusted. That there was nothing that I should’ve felt ashamed about, because you were my friend, remember?”  
Gideon sighed and finally looked him in the eye.  
“It’s okay, I got it.”  
“Good. May I help you to lie down on the sofa?”  
Gideon nodded and didn’t resist when Mitchell stood up and carefully placed him on the sofa, stuffing a couple of dusty pillows behind his back.  
When Mitchell attempted to sit in the wheelchair to keep him company, but give him enough space, he held the younger man back by grabbing his wrist.  
“Don’t.”  
“You want me to leave you alone?”  
“No.”  
Gideon hesistantly forced himself to slowly lift his legs and point at the sofa.  
“Join me.”  
Mitchell smirked, carefully lifted the older man’s legs, sat back down on the sofa and placed Gideon’s legs on his knees.  
They sat there in silence, watching some stupid gameshow, until their pizza arrived.

Later that day, when Gideon admitted he needed to rest now and the sun slowly set, Mitchell helped him into his bed and attempted to leave him alone.  
“Good night.”  
“Wait.”  
Gideon sat back up with a frown.  
“Where are you going?”  
“To bed?”  
“Oh. Okay. I thought…nevermind.”  
Mitchell flinched at the word that still badly remembered him of the day at the desert but smiled. “You thought what?”  
“Nothing. Just the you and me boyfriend thing.”  
“Why do you think I got us a place with two bedrooms?”  
Gideon shrugged, embarrassed. “Goodnight then.”  
Mitchell sighed and stayed standing in the doorway.  
“It’s not that I don’t want to sleep next to you, you know. I just wasn’t sure whether you needed some space still…and…”  
“Yeah, well, no I don’t. I’ve had enough space for the last couple of years. So if you want to stay, stay.”  
“Yeah, well.” Mitchell scratched the back of his head and looked to the floor.  
“There’s this other thing. I…uhm. I don’t sleep very much and sometimes I…dream very vividly which means…” he sighed “Every now and then, or, to be frank, every night, I wake up screaming.”  
Gideon’s cheeky smile dropped and made space for worry on his face.  
“You still got nightmares?”  
Mitchell shrugged. “Yeah. They might last quiet some time, Sophie said.”  
“The meds don’t help?”  
“I’m only supposed to use the tranquilizers if I have to. They make me dizzy and…sad. Uhm, anyway…you need your sleep so I’d better be going.”  
“Oh, come on, Jack, don’t be an idiot.”  
He nodded towards the free space in his bed. “You better come here or I’ll make you.”  
Mitchell hesitated but then broke his resistance, got out of his jeans and came closer, now only wearing his t-shirt and boxers and once again presenting himself without the implant which Gideon politely ignored since he didn’t know if Mitchell was okay with him even looking.  
Mitchell sighed. “Ok, but I can’t guarantee I’m not going to keep you awake.”  
Gideon smiled his rare, warm smile. “I don’t mind.”  
The private finally slipped under the blankets and for another minute, they lay there in silence, keeping a lot of distance between them.  
“This is awkard.” Gideon mumbled.  
“Yeah, a little.”  
“I mean, not badly awkward, just…you know…”  
“Awkward.”  
“Yep.”  
“I could still sleep next door.”  
“No.” Gideon sounded very serious. “No. Maybe if I…”   
He slowly shuffled and moved closer until his warm body came to touch Mitchell’s chest.  
“Oh…uhm…hi…”  
The younger man lifted his natural arm to slowly wrap it around Gideon’s upper body and moved a little closer to him.  
“That’s…better, don’t you think?”  
Mitchell smiled in the darkness as he felt his heart beating faster.  
“Yeah, a lot.”  
Gideon leaned on his shoulder and breathed in his scent, feeling how the butterflies rose in his stomach. “You want to know something?”  
Gideon’s whisper sounded tired but happpy and Mitchell nodded with a smile.  
“I really love your smell. Didn’t know that until the desert.”  
Mitchell flinched and Gideon suddenly was fully awake again and on alert.  
“I’m sorry, Jack. I didn’t want to remind you of…I just…”  
“No, it’s okay. Keep talking.”  
“But I don’t want to hurt you.”  
“You don’t. Sophie wants me to talk about it with you. She thinks that’s gonna stop the flashbacks for good.”  
“Okay.”

They fell silent until Mitchell cleared his throat.  
“Well I didn’t know how much I wanted to kiss you before the desert. I actually nearly kissed you back there, you know?”  
Gideon arched his brows. “Why didn’t you?”  
Mitchell sighed. “First of all, you were miserable, and in addition to that, I wasn’t sure if you would’ve wanted to kiss me too.”  
“You mean back when I thought I was dying and basically threw myself at you and pressed my forehead against yours.”  
“Yeah, that’s the moment I’m talking about.”  
Gideon felt Mitchell shiver at the memory and carefully grabbed his hand.  
“Funny enough, a part of me wanted to kiss you at that moment, too.”  
“So why didn’t you?”  
“I didn’t have the courage. Even though I thought this might be my last chance, I was afraid you’d back off.”  
Mitchell snorted, even though he kept shivering.  
“But you know what?” Gideon’s voice was back to a whisper now.  
“What?”  
“Now you can kiss me as much as you like.”  
Mitchell turned his head to see his eyes sparkle in the darkness.  
“Can I?” Gideon nodded. “Ok then.”  
Mitchell, still shaking, pulled his hand from Gideon’s and lay it on the older man’s neck, carefully pulling him closer until their lips finally touched and they sank into a tender, loving kiss. “Goodnight, Gideon.”, Mitchell whispered, once they finished kissing.  
“Goodnight, Jack.”  
Minutes later, they both were sound asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got to admit, I find it a it hard to write the characters in this very OOC situation. They are soldiers and most likely not used to having nothing to do so prepare for awkward problems like boredom, stubbornness, identity search and their relationship developing. And of course we still need to answer the question if Gideon will return to active duty.


	20. 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitchell and Gideon don't really know how to deal with their fresh relationship and the past and therefore, everything's still a little...awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here comes another over-emotional chapter about relationship-development. I know the two are pretty OOCish, but I did that on purpose since I belive that even the baddest badass is shaken by trauma.

Gideon woke up startled and caught himself sitting up rapidly when he heard an agonized scream that froze his blood immediately. Hissing at the pain the rapid sitting up had caused, he hastily turned to Mitchell, whose voice had awoken him so suddenly.  
Mitchell lay next to him, tossing and turning the sheets, eyes closed and crying. He kept screaming as Gideon hesitated to touch the younger man and froze as he heard his friend groan in visible inner pain. He swallowed hard before he finally managed to grab Mitchell’s shoulder and shake him awake. His whisper sounded shaky and insecure. “Mitchell, wake up. It’s just a dream!”  
Mitchell finally jolted awake, knocking Gideon’s gentle hand off his shoulder in the process and blinked in confusion when he met Gideon’s worried gaze.

“What…I…”  
His breathing was hectic and Mitchell was visibly shaking.  
Gideon softly touched his shoulder again and tried to smile a little. “You had a nightmare.”  
Mitchell looked at him in disbelief. “I…you were…I couldn’t help you. All the blood…”  
Gideon grabbed Mitchell’s hand, pressing it against his cheek.  
“It’s okay, Jack. I’m here, I’m fine, it was just a dream.”  
The younger man looked him in the eyes and finally woke up completely. Understanding that his nightmare was over, Mitchell swallowed and closed his eyes as another tear left his eyes. “I’m sorry, I knew this was gonna happen.”  
Pulling his hand away from Gideon, he hid his face and turned away sobbing.  
Gideon looked at the crooked figure in the dark and felt his chest tighten.  
He carefully and slowly moved closer to his crying friend, suppressed another painful hiss and finally managed to gently hug Mitchell from behind. Mitchell stiffened at the touch and tried to pull away, but Gideon held him close and softly kissed the back of his head, before he whispered into his ear, his own voice rough and shaking.  
“I’m here for you Jack. It’s gonna be alright.”   
Mitchell let out another sob but stopped resisting his embrace.  
They lay like that in silence for a couple of minutes until Mitchell’s sobs slowly declined and he suddenly turned around to Gideon to face him.  
His eyes and cheeks still wet, Mitchell forced himself to meet Gideon’s gaze that was full of worry and sadness. “Thank you.” His voice was very quiet and unsteady, but Gideon shook his head and pulled Mitchell back into his arms without hesitation.  
“You got nothing to thank me for.”  
“I’m so sorry I woke you. I should’ve slept in the other room.”  
“I don’t want you to ever sleep alone again, is that understood?”  
“But I…”  
“I’ll never leave you alone with this again. Never.”  
Mitchell gently pushed Gideon away a bit to be able to see his face and noticed that the older man desperately tried to hold back his tears.  
“You don’t have to fight my battles for me, Gid’. I don’t want you to worry about me.”  
Gideon looked at him and shook his head.   
“This isn’t your battle, it’s ours.”  
“Gid’…”  
“How many times do I have to tell you that I love you before you let me take care of you?”  
“But you’re hurt…and I don’t want to hurt you.”  
Gideon moved down so their eyes were on the same level and stared right into Mitchell’s eyes with sobriety. “I’m not going anywhere, even if you beg me. I will be there for you, whatever happens, and we’re going to fight these nightmares together, you understand me?”  
Mitchell swallowed.   
“Are you sure?”  
Gideon sighed, blinked away a last tear, pulled Mitchell back into a tight embrace and gently kissed his forehead, his cheeks and his lips.  
“Never been more sure in all my life.”  
Mitchell smiled a little and entangled Gideon’s body with his leg.  
“I love you too.”  
Gideon smiled his warmest smile, kissed him again and hugged him even tighter.  
“You’re okay now?”  
Mitchell nodded. “Perfectly fine.”  
“You want to talk about the nightmare?”  
“I’d rather go back to sleep.”  
“Good.”  
Gideon wanted to release him, but Mitchell held on to him and Gideon frowned.  
“You want me to stay like this?”  
“If you don’t mind.”  
Gideon softly stroked through his hair and chuckled.  
“Hell no, I don’t.”  
Mitchell smirked. “I’d never guessed you were much of a cuddler.”  
The older man snorted. “Shut up.”  
Mitchell smiled and let his hand wander up to Gideon’s bare chest, resting it just above his heart. Gideon looked at his hand with a frown and Mitchell bit his lip.  
“I used to do that when you were in coma.”  
“Hm?”  
“Sophie told me to feel your heartbeat so I would believe you were alive.”  
“Did it help?”  
Mitchell swallowed. “Very much.” His voice was only a sad whisper.  
“I’m sorry you had to go through all this because of me. I wish I…” he broke off.  
“I came to your bed every evening and felt your heart beating against my palm. And I…prayed you were going to wake up the next day but for an eternity you didn’t so I started begging and…I just missed you so badly.”  
Gideon bit his lip and searched for words when Mitchell suddenly continued speaking.  
“Promise me to never do that to me again, Gideon. Please.”  
Gideon swallowed and took a deep breath.  
“I am a soldier, Jack. You know I can’t promise this.”  
“Then just lie. For me.”  
The older man nodded. “Okay. I promise.”  
“Good.”   
Mitchell felt Gideon’s heart beating faster and sighed.  
“Goodnight, you big softie.”  
Gideon smirked. “Goodnight, Dramaqueen.”

Mitchell woke up with the sunlight tickling his face and reluctantly blinked against all the light flooding the room. As his vision slowly sharpened, he recognized Gideon was lying next to him, grinning.  
“Why are you grinning like an idiot?” Mitchell mumbled with a yawn.  
“You snore.”  
Mitchell felt very awake suddenly and sat up.  
“I don’t.”  
“Oh yes, you do.”  
Gideon waved his mobile that he was holding in his hands and pressed the display. Seconds later, Mitchell could hear his own snore blaring out of the device’s speaker.  
“You didn’t….”  
Gideon laughed. “Oh yes, I did.”  
Mitchell grabbed his pillow and threw it after his former captain but missed the grinning target. “You’re such an asshole.”  
Gideon shrugged. “Yeah, I know that. But you, mate, sound like a bloody pig.”  
He pointed at the phone which played another, even louder sequence of Mitchell’s raspy snoring and chuckled.   
“Keep doing that and there’s no breakfast for you, idiot.”  
Gideon arched his brows. “Oh god no, Sister Mitchell, have mercy!”  
Mitchell shook his head laughing and forced himself out of bed. Stretching his stiff muscles, he casually strolled over to the door and yawned.  
“Coffee?”  
“I thought you’d never ask.”  
Gideon smiled as Mitchell handed him the coffee-cup and took a sip of the burning hot liquid. “So…” He cleared his throat. “Are we going to talk about what happened last night, or not?”  
Mitchell frowned. “You mean about me crying like a baby and you being a cute, protective teddybear?”  
“Yeah, that’s pretty much what I meant.”  
“Nah.”  
“Ok.” Gideon took another sip of his coffee. “But if you ever feel the need to…”  
Mitchell rolled his eyes.  
“Yes, I know. But let’s just say what happens during the night stays at night, okay?”  
“Fine by me.”

Gideon hated how Mitchell had to help him get up and into the wheelchair. His body was aching with pain this morning, maybe from the stress during the last night and he felt like shit. Of course he tried to hide his pain from Mitchell and failed miserably.   
“You look pale”, the former private stated as he handed Gideon a bowl containing cereals and milk. Gideon dug into the bowl and came back chewing.  
“I’m british. We all look like that, you now, smartass?”  
Mitchell snorted and placed a glass of water and his painkillers and antibiotics at the counter in front of him. When Mitchell didn’t move but watched him eating, Gideon raised his brows in annoyance. “What? Are you gonna watch me take them?”  
Mitchell raised his hands in defence and turned away, walking to the bathroom.

Gideon didn’t allow Mitchell to help him shower since he was trying to maintain what was left of his dignity and pride, so Gideon just brushed his teeth and tentatively washed himself over the sink with unnecessary complications. When he was finished at the bathroom after what had felt like an eternity, he met Mitchell at the living room.

Seeing Gideon without his shirt on in the daylight for the first time in ages, Mitchell suck in a sharp breath at the sight of is former captain.   
Gideon chuckled. “Yeah, I know I’m hot, but please don’t faint.”  
Mitchell smiled a little but the expression didn’t reach his eyes and Gideon concluded something was wrong. “What is it?”  
“We need to take care of your scars.” He picked up a tube of ointment from the table and waved Gideon closer. Gideon moved his wheelchair towards him and followed Mitchell’s gaze. “I know they look like shit.” Gideon mumbled and pointed at his scars on his chest and upper hip. “But wait ‘till you see the leg. Ugly in a fabulous way.”  
Mitchell shook his head. “Shut up.”  
He opened the tube and put some ointment on his finger before he carefully touched the scar that marked Gideon’s operation wound just above his lungs. Running his index finger gently up and down the rough pink line, he felt Gideon shiver beneath his touch and froze. “Does it hurt?”  
Gideon shook his head, swallowing.  
“What is it?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Okay, then stop flinching.”  
But Gideon flinched again when Mitchell continued spreading the ointment.  
“Okay, seriously. What’s wrong? Are you just that ticklish?”  
Gideon looked at his feet and bit his lip. “Just let me do it myself.”  
Mitchell pulled the tube away from Gideon who tried to snatch it from him and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “They still hurt, right?”  
Gideon sighed and looked back up to Mitchell to shake his head.   
“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”  
Mitchell nodded with a frown and handed him the ointment. “Alright. But I still need to change the bandage at you leg later on. You can’t do that yourself.”  
“Yeah, I know.”  
And with that, Gideon pulled away and disappeared into his room, closing the door behind him. 

Gideon sat in front of the mirror full five minutes before he lifted his gaze and let out a shivering sigh. He hadn’t looked at the scars ever since he woke up. He had always just looked away, had avoided seeing what marks their latest miserable adventure left on him. Now he couldn’t look away any longer and felt tears gathering in his eyes at the sight of his own body. The bright rose lines on his body told a story he was trying to forget and made him swallow hard. In front of Mitchell, he needed to stay all calm and collected not to hurt him or worsen his condition but when he was alone, fear crept up his spine and ate up all of his happy thoughts. He remembered very well in how much pain he had been that day at the desert and he remembered his own fear if death. And even if he wasn’t being haunted by flashbacks or nightmares, he’d never be able to forget the look on Mitchell’s face as he understood that he had to let him go. Gideon had made his peace with death by then and as glad felt about still being alive, something felt off. He knew his life wasn’t going back to normal anytime soon. In private, the doctor’s had told him that his chances for full rehabilitation might be good but that there also wasn’t any guarantee that he’d ever be able to return to active duty in the field. Being a soldier had been Gideon’s only sense in life since he had been a teenager and it scared him to shit that he might never be able to be a soldier again. At the same time, he was scared to fully recover since a part of him feared to get hurt again. He had never been afraid of death, never thought about life much, he just acted and did what he thought best but now that he had allowed himself to feel…all his suppressed fears were overwhelming him. Letting Mitchell closer filled his wounded heart with joy but at the same time made him more vulnerable than ever. Now that he really loved, he was afraid to lose everything. He finally had something to lose. And as much as he always tried to forget about all the losses he had been through, he very well remembered what grief felt like. What if he never fully recovered? What would he do? Who would he be? What if he and Mitchell wouldn’t work out? Could he survive losing Mitchell? What if he returned to duty and was hurt again? Hadn’t he finally lived up all his seven lives? How would Mitchell react? Could he take another hit? What if his lungs never stopped hurting after too much talking or movement? What if his scars gut worse and ugly? What if fear ate him up?   
Gideon closed his eyes and let his head fall backwards, facing the ceiling. His lips were shaking and his hands clamped to the arm rests of his wheelchair so hard his knuckles were turning white. He allowed himself to really be afraid of everything for a moment and then forced himself to face his own reflection again and rub the ointment on his scars so hard it hurt.

Mitchell kept staring at the closed door, listening silently to Gideon’s sighing, sniffing and hissing. Placing his hand on the wooden door, Mitchell had to force himself not to knock. He knew what Gideon was going through, remembered very well how he’d felt after he lost his arm and Will and all hopes of returning to duty. He knew that nothing he was going to say would make Gideon feel any better and therefore just stood there, hoping Gideon would know he was always only one call away, always ready to catch him if he ever admitted to fall. He knew Gideon wasn’t as tough as he acted, not as okay as he tried to appear. He knew the older man was in constant pain and feared what lay in front of him and he knew he was trying to hide it from him to secure he wasn’t going to worsen his PTSD. Mitchell hated Gideon for being so stubborn but all the same he understood him and so he knew it wasn’t for him to admit what he knew. Lost in his thoughts, Mitchell nearly jumped when he heard Gideon talking to him.  
“I can hear you breathe, Mitchell. Come in, you creep.”  
Mitchell slowly pressed the doorknob and entered the room.

“I’m sorry, I just…”  
Gideon nodded. “So I guess that’s what I look like now.”  
Mitchell followed Gideon’s gaze staring at his reflection in the mirror.   
“Perfect as ever.”  
Gideon snorted. “Except for those huge fucking scars.”  
“It’s just scars, Gideon. They are a part of who you are and what you’ve been trough. They don’t make you any less good looking.”  
“You just say that to cheer me up.”  
“They turn brighter with time and one day they will be nothing but a fading memory, a tiny mark on your skin. If you always take care of them, the skin will get softer again, you won’t even feel the scars when you touch them.”  
“How would you know that?”  
“I don’t know, maybe because of my amputation stump?”  
Gideon bit his lip. “I didn’t mean to…”  
Mitchell sighed. “I know. Now take off your trousers so I can take care of your bandaged wound, idiot.”  
Mitchell tried to change the older man’s bandages as careful and gentle as possible, but Gideon still gritted his teeth and Mitchell swallowed hard at the sight of the slowly healing wound.   
“I get this over as quickly as I can, I promise”, Mitchell softly whispered and gently stroke Gideon’s knee to comfort him. With quick and skilled movements, he managed to change the bandage in less than ten minutes and looked up to Gideon’s frowning face.  
“There you go.”  
Gideon tried to smile but only managed a grimace.   
“Thank you, Nurse Jackie.”  
“Painkillers?”  
“Yeah, maybe.”  
Mitchell reached into his Jeans pocket and pulled out some tablets he handed to Gideon who immediately swallowed them.  
“How does it look?”  
“It’s healing properly. They stitched you up perfectly if you ask me. Very good fissures.”  
“Great.”  
Mitchell got up from his knees and scratched his head.  
“So…erm…I guess the painkillers are gonna make you tired. I can help you back to bed and then leave you alone if you want me to.”  
Gideon hesitated, then remembered the fear that had enwrapped him once he’d been alone and shook his head.   
“Stay, if you don’t mind. We could move the television. I mean, if you don’t have any other plans.”  
Mitchell held back a worried sigh, a bit scared by Gideon’s unusual softness and nodded.  
“No, it’s fine. I’ll have my first therapy session with Sophie tomorrow midday so today I’m…free. I’ll be back in a second.”

Mitchell was zapping through the television channels sitting next to Gideon who was lying on the bed, eyes half-closed.  
“Jack?”  
“Hmh?”  
“I promise I’ll be back to my normal self.”  
Mitchell stopped zapping and turned to his friend.  
“You’re okay the way you are. It’s nice to see you’re a human being just like the rest of us after all.” He smiled a little but Gideon didn’t smile back.  
“I’m afraid, Jack.”  
“I know.”  
“And I wish I wasn’t.”  
“I know.”  
Mitchell carefully pulled Gideon into his arms and kissed his forehead as he let his head fall on Mitchell’s shoulder.  
“And just so you know…”, Mitchell mumbled while kissing his hair, “I like your cuddling side very much, you big softie.”  
Gideon looked up and smirked.  
“Don’t get used to it too much.”  
Mitchell smiled. “I’m always prepared for your grumpy self to return and order me to do one hundred pushups for being an idiot.”  
“Good. Because you still are an idiot. My idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will feature a bit more plot-progress - we will et to meet Dex - and excitement ;)


	21. 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gideon starts his rehabilitation, meets old friends and makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's nothing to apologize my super-long absence. Let's just say shit went sideways and I had to get myself a therapist as well. Lucky enough, I found myself my personal Dr. Robins and after 10 years of self-denial am finally battling my OCD.   
> Therefore, I didn't feel like writing for ages - my brain was occupied with panic-attacs - but now I am slowly getting better and FINALLY managed finishing this chapter.
> 
> As an apology I made this extra long and fluffy and drama and...well...other thinks *dirty smirk*.  
> I hope you enjoy it and would love to hear if anyone is even still reading this since I really started this literal ages ago.  
> I still hope I'll be able to finish this story since I still got some things planned for our boys.  
> So please stick with me ;)
> 
> And now: Enjoy reading!

The next day, Gideon was sort of back to his normal, grumpy self but Mitchell knew better than that. Gideon had been extremely silent ever since he woke up and seemed to tense up even more with every minute that passed. Mitchell knew he was simply afraid of his first rehabilitation training. He very well remembered the way he had felt the last time he had been this badly injured and hadn’t known whether he’d be able to recover. He recognized his own fears in Gideon but didn’t address it. As much as Mitchell always needed someone to talk to about his problems, Gideon was different and Mitchell accepted that the older soldier preferred to handle his problems by himself, even if he’d always offer to listen or help in case Gideon should ever admit his weakness. So Mitchell swallowed his own worries, tried to keep a straight face and spent most of the day reading a book before he got Gideon, who until then had refused to even get out of bed after returning to it after his morning routine, into his wheelchair and to the car.

The drive to the hospital was another eternity of silence that started to drive Mitchell mad. Rubbing his forehead, he tried to concentrate on the road, but could barely hold himself back from throwing a look at Gideon who looked out of the window with apathy. Mitchell sighed and gave in to his worry. “Screw it”, he thought and cleared his throat.   
“It’s gonna be okay, Gid. Trust me.”  
Instead of the expected snub answer, Gideon murmured a “thank you” and lightly touched the younger man’s shoulder.   
Mitchell smiled a little and maneuvered the car into a parking space in front of the hospital. “Promise me to listen to your therapist and take it slow, okay?”  
Gideon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, mum. I promise.”  
“Good.”  
Mitchell got out of the car, unloaded the wheelchair and lifted the older man into it.  
Wheeling him into the hospital, he looked at his watch. “I’m picking you up after my Session with Sophie. We should be finished in about an hour and a half. Is that okay?”  
Gideon just nodded in annoyance, so Mitchell silently left him alone after they had reached the office of Gideon’s physiotherapist and wandered off to get to his appointment with Sophie. 

Gideon knocked on the door but got no response. A look at the clock on the wall explained why. He was twenty minutes early. In his mind, he cursed upon Mitchell’s unnecessary over-punctuality and threw back his head in annoyance. What the hell was he supposed to do another 20 minutes? On his own, in a wheelchair with nothing on him but a nearly empty Smartphone? Sure, he could spend more time inside the hell that was his thoughts. All day, they had been torturing him, or, to be more accurate, since they had gone to bed last night. While Mitchell had slept through the whole night, cuddled up comfy in his arms, Gideon had been laying awake, panicking about his future, trying to calm himself down without success. It made him angry how hysterical he was behaving, how he let all those unanswered questions keep him awake. He had been through a lot in life. Losses were no stranger to him and he never relied on anyone or anything to last, but this time, everything was different. Within all those years of danger, loss and doubt, he could always rely on himself. But now his own body felt completely exhausted and useless and he felt trapped in helplessness – a feeling he hadn’t had in a while, or, to be accurate, since his mother’s death.  
To distract himself, Gideon decided to wheel around a bit and return to the office when it was time. He had barely reached the foyer when he heard a familiar voice shouting at the receptionist. “I’ll tell you one fucking last time, madame! I will come here every fucking day until you tell me where I can find my brother-in-law!”  
“Sir, I really can’t…”  
“Dex?” Gideon raised his brows when his eyes confirmed what his ears had long recognized.  
The tall, brown-haired man who had been raging just a second ago turned to him, his face still red with anger and opened his mouth in utter surprise.  
“Emery!”  
Gideon barely managed to stay inside the wheelchair when Dex ran over to him and - to his utter surprise - hugged him like there was no tomorrow.  
“Whoa, Dex, leave some oxygen in my lungs, you softie!”  
Dex let go of him and stayed down on one knee to look at his face.  
“Man, I’ve been trying to find you for ages!”  
“You could have just called me?”  
“They took my phone away from me and locked me in a cell for days on end. I couldn’t ask anyone how or where you were.”  
“The traitor-search?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Didn’t Ilona reach out to you?”  
“She tried but they wouldn’t let her. When they finally let me go – without giving back my phone by the way -, she had already returned to the field, only leaving me a message that you were in hospital. And so I came here yesterday but they told me you were gone and that they couldn’t tell me where because I’m not a relative. Seems like dead wifes don’t really count as a family link here.”  
“But here I am.” Gideon spread his arms in a “ta-dah” kind of gesture and smirked.  
Dex shook his head. “Man, you really scared the shit out of me.”  
“Yeah, well, shit happens. But I’m glad you’re okay.”  
“Yeah, me too. That you are, you know? Alive.”  
Gideon cleared his throat to break the awkward silence spreading between them.  
“I’m sorry Chuck didn’t make it. He was a good comrade.”  
“Yeah.” Dex nodded. “I liked him. He wasn’t much of a talker, but a friendly, silent…guy.”  
Dex scratched his head. “Are you gonna be okay, Gid’?” He pointed to the wheelchair.  
Gideon nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m gonna be fine. Just need some time for rehab, you know? Nothing too serious.”  
“That kid really saved your life.”  
“Mitchell? Yeah, he did. If it wasn’t for him, I’d have died.”  
“Have you heard of him since? He sort of vanished and sentinel didn’t say a word to anyone of us where to. I’d like to thank him for saving your old ass.”  
Gideon smirked. “If you wait until he picks me up at six you can embarrass yourself in front of him.”  
Dex frowned. “He’s here? Has he been injured?”  
Gideon hesitated, not sure whether it was okay to tell anyone about Mitchell’s condition.  
“Sort of, but he’s okay. He’s just getting checked over.”  
“If you two already got plans I don’t want to interrupt. I guess you got some stuff to talk about.”  
Gideon smirked. “We don’t really have any plans besides maybe arguing about what to order for dinner.”  
“You…what?”  
Gideon held back a laughter.  
“We sort of live together.”  
“You share a flat? Since when?”  
“Yesterday. And, to be honest, we’re no exactly what you’d call flatmates.”  
Dex frowned again. “I don’t really get that.”  
“Yeah, you always were more of a slow-thinker.” He smirked. “Guess you could call him my “boyfriend”, as people like to say.”  
“What? You…you are…”  
“In a relationship. Crazy, I know. Must be the first time since…I think I never had a ‘relationship’ before.”  
“Gideon Emery has a boyfriend. That’s like the weirdest thing ever. I mean…I didn’t even now you do relationships.”  
“Me neither.”  
“So, uhm…Mitchell, hm? I had no idea.”  
“I didn’t see that coming either. But it…happened.”  
“Yeah…but I meant…I didn’t know, you were, you know…gay.”  
Gideon finally broke into laughter and shook his head.  
“I’m not.”  
“But Mitchell is a guy after all, isn’t he? I always thought you were more of a ladies-man.”  
Gideon couldn’t stop himself from smiling and nodded. “I’m bisexual, Dex. Always been, always will be.”  
Dex lifted his brows in surprise.  
“You’ve been with guys before?”  
Gideon nodded. “Oh yes. Plenty.”  
“Oh, okay. I didn’t know that.”  
“You never asked.”  
“It never mattered.”  
“Does it now?”  
Dex shook his head and shrugged. “No, why would it?”  
Gideon smirked, when Dex cleared his throat. “Did you ever, you know…fancy me?”  
Gideon grunted and rolled his eyes.  
“I hate to break it to you, mate, but you never really were my type. Plus, you dated my sister. So nope, absolutely not.”  
“That was a stupid question, hah?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Sorry. Well congratulations. On trying relationships. I really thought you were gonna die alone.”  
“Charming as ever, Dex.”  
The old friends looked at each other and laughed.  
“We got to have a beer together soon. I mean, you, Mitchell and me. The boy has to be welcomed into our shitty family.”  
“That will give him something to look forward to.” Gideon smirked, his voice dripping with irony.  
“Plus, you need to tell me how he convinced you, the master of all lone wolfs into a relationship. I’m still amazed. I mean, I guessed he kid meant something to you, but that…you hid it well.”  
Dex smirked, but then his smile dropped and he was back to serious.  
“If you need anything, mate, I’m always here, you know that.”  
Gideon nodded and patted his old friend’s shoulder. “I’ll be fine.”  
“So you will return to duty, right?”  
Gideon swallowed and bit his lip. “We’ll see.”  
He let his gaze wander up to the clock and sighed.   
“Dex, I gotta go. Let’s talk another time, okay?”  
Dex nodded and got up from his knees.  
“Sure. Just…” He pulled a piece of paper and a pen from his army-trousers “write down your number, since I no longer have it, and I’ll call you.”  
Gideo grabbed the pen and paper, wrote down his mobile number and handed it back to the tall sniper. “See you soon, mate?”  
Dex nodded and then bend down to hug Gideon again. “Good to have you back, brother.”  
They smiled at each other and Gideon recognized that his old friend was blinking away a small tear. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again.”  
With that, he left and Gideon went to see his therapist.

Half an hour later, Gideon was a sweating, miserable mess.   
“Just once more, captain and we’ll move on to the next exercise.”  
His therapist, a middle-aged guy called Barry, reached out for his Hands to pull him up to his feed. Gideon slowly grabbed his hands and forced himself on his feet. Gritting his teeth and ignoring his burning lungs and the hurting wound on his leg, he made it out of his wheelchair for the fifth time in a row. Barry held him up, since he wasn’t able to put his full weight on his injured leg and therefore had no balance.   
“Good, Captain. Very good. Now try to sit back down. Slowly this time.”  
Gideon tried and failed miserable – just like the other four times before this. He wasn’t able to slowly sit down. It was like his muscles just didn’t want to do what he was telling them and so he quickly fell back into the wheelchair and grunted in frustration.  
“Well, you tried.” Barry smiled and let go of his hands to throw him a towel. Gideon wiped his face and tried to catch his breath. “I’m 42 and too weak to sit down on my own. But at least I tried. So motivating.”  
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll have to be patient. Your injuries are taking their tolls. That’s perfectly normal.”  
Gideon just shrugged. “So what’s up next?”  
Barry handed him some barbells and Gideon snorted. “Eight kilogram? You gotta be shitting me.”  
Barry smirked. “Try them and we’ll see.”  
He handed them over to Gideon who immediately tried to lift them over his head – and failed. Gideon only got them up to his shoulders until his arms started feeling awfully tired and the freshly healed bullet-wound at his shoulder started to sting.  
Feeling ashamed and beaten down, Gideon still forced himself to lift them, ignoring the increasing pain and gritted his teeth until Barry suddenly took them away from him. “Slow down, tiger. That’s enough for today.”  
“What? We barely even started!”  
“It’s your first day, Captain. Trust me, I know what I do.”  
“Do you? You better get me back to a shape in which I can at least lift a feather over my head fucking quick!”  
Barry sighed and raised his brows. “Watch your tone, captain. I’m gonna be your worst nightmare for the next months anyway. If you make me angry, that’s only gonna make it worse.”  
“Something’s gotta be wrong with those barbells. I used to lift more than fifty without any problem.”  
“Look, I’m going to explain it to you.” Barry pulled up a chair and sat opposite him.  
“Your muscles are still there, but they don’t work the way they used to. First of all, you have been injured and your injuries still need time to heal. Second, you’ve been in coma for a couple of weeks. That means your muscles haven’t been used all those weeks and lost their strength. Third, you’ve suffered an infection. That has also weakened your body. And last but not least: Your lungs. They have been punctured and of course breathing is still tough for you. You nearly died less than two months ago and you expect wonders from yourself. That’s not gonna work. We can only make one step at a time. Slowly, but steady. You will need plenty of self-discipline and lots of training and therapy but I’m sure you can make it. But if you rush yourself or get too easily frustrated, you’re not getting out of that wheelchair anytime soon. If you don’t believe me, continue playing the tough guy. You’ll see where it gets you.”  
Gideon snorted. “Whatever. Can we continue? My hour is not over yet.”  
“Nope.”  
“Why not? I thought I needed lots of training.”  
“You’ve had enough for today.”  
“I’m fine.”  
“Your lips are turning blue. You need to catch your breath. Believe me, for someone with injuries as bad as yours, you did great today.”  
Gideon took a deep breath – he really felt a little dizzy already - and forced himself to nod. “If you say so.”  
“Captain, I rarely ever get to see someone like you. Someone with injuries like yours usually doesn’t make it. You’re lucky you’ve already made it this far. The rest only takes time. And you’ve got all the time in the world.”  
Gideon gritted his teeth in frustration. “Whatever.”  
Barry opened the door and gestured him outside.  
“See you on Thursday. And promise me to practice the sitting up as discussed.”  
Gideon just nodded and left.

Mitchell wasn’t there yet and Gideon was glad to have a moment alone. He got out to the parking lot and took a few deep breaths. His lungs were still burning and every single muscle in his body seemed to ache. He was still sweating like a pig and as the rain fell on his skin, Gideon started to slowly cool down. Wiping away the sweat from his face, he noticed his hands were still shaking from the exhaustion his excercise had caused. He gritted his teeth and let his hand fall back down on his hurting leg. All his life, his body had been the only thing he always could've relied on. Even in times of heartbreak and trouble, he had been sure of his own strenght. He wasn't used to feeling weak or useless. But now that he knew he couldn't do anything on his own - not even lift a weight he would've usually found hilarious - for the first time in his life, he felt trapped inside his own skin. Forcing himself to slow down his breath that was still hectic, he closed his eyes and tried to push back the fear that creeped up his spine again. The fear of never being his old self again. The fear of staying as helpless and useless as he felt just now. His heart hammered with panic inside his chest and his lungs started burning again. He knew he had to calm down, but he couldn't. What if he'd never be able to get back on the battlefield again? What if he'd be declared unfit for duty? What would he do? He’d never really had a life outside of war before. It had always just been a couple of days off inbetween missions. He didn't know how to be a private person. He was just a merc and Gideon felt like that was all there really was to him. He wasn't talented in anything, he had no secret unfulfilled dreams. He was good at fighting and killing. And training. His lips formed a little smile. He had been always been a great instructor, he had to admit to himself. A wave of pride washed over him as he thought about the great soldier that Mitchell had become under his command. He wasn't only dutyful or a capable shooter. He was also the most loyal, compassionate soldier Gideon had ever met. And as much as he would never admit that to anyone, Gideon was proud he had played a part in making Mitchell the soldier he was - the man he was. But he also had to admit that more than Gideon had changed Mitchell, Mitchell had changed Gideon. His smile grew wider. Mitchell had made him soft. Even in the Atlas days, he had quickly grown fond of the younger man and could never keep himself from shooting him a look here and there. Mitchell had made him laugh and open up. The Gideon who never let anyone really close no longer existed. But that also made him weak. His newly gained happiness made him fear losing it. He had always been alone and now that he no longer were he felt that he had to keep himself contained not to destroy the only person on this planet he ever truly loved. So opening his eyes, he forced himself to swallow his fears, make a friendly face and return inside the building as he was sure that Mitchell wouldn't like seeing him getting wet from the rain on purpose once he came to pick him up. He knew Mitchell's soul was fragile and he for sure would never be the one to make it shatter. He promised himself that he would do everything for Mitchell - no matter what. He was going to support his rehabilitation and whatever he was going to do outside of duty. He was going to be there for him if he needed him. But Gideon also decided that he would leave if he had to. If Mitchell ever happened to no longer enjoy his company, Gideon would leave him alone and return to loneliness once more. Still, he wanted to avoid losing Mitchell at all coasts. He didn't like it, but imagining a life without Mitchell made something inside him crack and burn. Now that he had admitted his love for the other man, he needed him. To keep Mitchell happy and by his side, Gideon decided not to tell him how miserable he was. Mitchell had enough on his own plate, he thought. Michell needed support, not him whining about some wounds that were going to heal sooner or later. He needed a companion, not a wreck. "Man up, Emery" he murmured to himself and finally managed to calm down when Mitchell came walking down the hall, waving at him.

"How was it?"  
Gideon tried to smile.  
"Ok. I mean, good. I'll be as good as new in no time."  
Mitchell smiled his warm, loving smile that Gideon had grown fond of so much already.  
"Great! I told you it was going to be alright, didn't I?"  
Gideon rolled his eyes as Mitchell started walking to the parking lot next to him. "Yeah, whatever, puppy."  
Mitchell snorted and started helping Gideon out of his wheelchair and into the car. Noticing his former captain was wet with sweat, he raised his brows. "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine, Mitchell, don't worry." He watched the younger man shrug before Mitchell closed the door, loaded the wheelchair into the car and got behind the wheel to drive them home. "How was your session with Sophie?"  
Mitchell grinned. "Good. Really good. I told her I slept without a single nightmare last night."  
Gideon arched his brows. "You did?"  
Mitchell nodded and blushed. "Thanks to you."  
Gideon looked to the floor and smiled, shaking his head. "I din't do anything."  
Mitchell put his hand on Gideon's and nodded. "Oh yes, you did. And you know that."  
"Whatever."  
Mitchell pressed Gideons Hand and noticed it was shaking.  
"Are you cold?"  
Gideon snorted. "What? No?"  
A traffic-light turned red and Mitchell put on the brakes. "You are shaking."  
"Just turn on the heating already."  
Mitchell smirked and turned the heating on.  
"Promise me to lie down once we're back at the flat."  
Gideon grinned. "I'd lie down for you anytime you want me to, Jack."  
Mitchell rolled his eyes.  
"Yeah, you wish."  
"But you don't?"  
Mitchell's cheeks turned slightly red. "God, yes, I do."  
"See."  
"But we shouldn't until you've recovered a bit."  
"For the one-billionths time, Jack, I am fine."  
"You woke up from a fucking coma less than a week ago."  
"It's been a full week tomorrow, to be accurate."  
"Let's just take it slow, okay? I don't want to hurt you or put you in danger."  
"You can't really be that dangerous, can you?" Gideon still tried his flirty tone on the younger man and Mitchell couldn't help but smile.  
"How would you know that?"  
"I don't. But I'd love to get to know that side of you."  
Mitchell bit his lip but kept his eyes pinned to the street in front of them. "Could we please change the topic?"  
"Erm...no." Gideon slowly put his hand on the younger mans knee, letting it wander up in slow-motion.  
Mitchell took a sharp breath and blinked. “Gid, please don’t.”  
“Why not?” Gideon whispered with a dark voice.  
“Not while I’m driving. Please. I can’t focus on the bloody road.”  
Gideon slowly pulled his hand away and grinned.  
“I thought I taught you how to multitask.”  
Mitchell rolled his eyes and ignored Gideon’s chuckle.

When they finally arrived back at the flat, Gideon was asleep in his seat. Mitchell looked at him with slight worry, assuming that Gideon’s training had really exhausted the older man more than he admitted. Carefully, he heaved the sleeping man out of the car, inside the house and onto his bed. Gideon stayed asleep and Mitchell had to put the memory of an unconscious Gideon away. Taking a few deep breaths and touching Gideon’s shoulder, he fought the emerging flashback off and shook the older man awake.  
“Gid, you got to get out of your wet clothes.”  
Gideon blinked his eyes open and hissed as he tried to sit up.  
“Slowly, Gideon.”  
Mitchell offered his hands but Gideon shook his head and stayed laying down.   
“How the fuck did I get here?”  
“You fell asleep at the car so I helped you out.”  
“You could’ve woken me.”  
Mitchell rolled his eyes. “Come on, we’ve got to get you out of this shirt. It’s soaking wet.”  
Gideon sighed and swallowed his shame about not being able to do anything on his own and raised his arms for Mitchell to pull his shirt over his head.  
“I need to have a shower.”  
“I can get your wheelchair and…”  
Gideon shook his head. “No, not the Wheelchair. Please. I…can you help me stand up briefly? I just want to quickly clean myself.”  
“I don’t know whether it’s a good idea.”  
Gideon swallowed his pride and tried to smile. “I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t need your help, you know?”  
Mitchell nodded. “I know. I’ll help you. We just need to cover your wound before.”  
The younger man got up quickly to fetch some waterproof patch to put over Gideon’s normal plaster at his healing leg-wound.  
Taking off Gideon’s trousers, Mitchell felt him tense up, probably with shame. He threw Gideon’s trousers away and took his own shirt off. Gideon arched his brows. “What are you doing?”  
“I thought you wanted to shower together?”, Mitchell smirked.  
Gideon swallowed, speechless.  
“What? No snarky reply?”  
“I’m just enjoying the view.” Gideon grinned.  
“Good.” Mitchell smiled and put the patch over the wound.  
“Ready?”  
Gideon nodded and Mitchell took his trousers off and lifted Gideon into his arms, recognizing how awfully light the older soldier, who always had been more muscular than him, had become.  
“Never thought I’d end up as your damsel in distress.”  
“You can make it up to me once you recovered and I’m too lazy to get out of bed on a Sunday.”  
Gideon looked to the floor as they arrived at the bathroom.  
“Ok, give me a second.” Mitchell placed Gideon on the closed toilet and took off.  
He quickly hurried into the kitchen and returned with a plastic chair only seconds later, placing it at the rainforest-shower.  
“Jack…”  
“Only if you need it. I’ll just leave it there in case, okay? I’ll help you stand.”  
Gideon nodded and took the hands Mitchell offered him, slowly lifting himself up to his feet, his teeth gritting in pain.  
“You ok?”  
Gideon nodded bud gladly accepted Mitchell gently putting his arms around his hip and under his arm to help him walk.  
“Slowly, Gid. We’re not in a hurry.”  
They carefully walked towards the shower, Mitchell carrying Gideon more than actually upholding him until they finally stood under the showerhead and Mitchell readjusted his hold on Gideon and turned on the water.  
They stood there in silence, the warm water touching their bodies and running down, staring at each other. Mitchell let Gideon catch his breath and held him up supportively, staring into his deep blue eyes that suddenly sparked up when Gideon lifted his hand and touched Mitchell’s chest.  
“Hi.”  
Jack grinned. “Hi.”  
Gideon let his hand wander from Mitchell’s chest to his neck and gently pulled him closer until their foreheads touched. His heart was racing in his chest but he ignored it since desire was more powerful than reason at this moment. His other hand wandered down Mitchell’s spine until he suddenly cupped one of his perfect buttocks and Mitchell shivered under his gentle touch. Gideon smirked, closing his eyes and feeling the younger man’s breath touching his lips. “If you don’t kiss me soon, Jack, you’ll drive me insane.”  
He didn’t need to beg any further since Mitchell leaned forward a bit more and hungrily placed his Lips on Gideon’s, shoving him against the back wall of the shower carefully, kissing him passionately and wanting. Gideon growled into his mouth and tried pulling Mitchell closer until their already hard cocks touched and they both moaned. The sensation running through his body nearly drowned out Gideon’s pain, but only nearly and Mitchell felt him flinch.  
Mitchell pulled away and looked at Gideon who’s breathing was fast and choppy.  
“As much as I want you, take it easy, Gid.”  
Gideo tried to pull him closer again, his legs already shaking under his own weight but Mitchell wouldn’t let him. “Breathe. Your lips are turning blue.”  
Gideon closed his eyes in annoyance, trying to catch his breath and not to let Mitchell see how much he was in pain.   
“We came here to shower, right?”  
Mitchell nodded and quickly grabbed the soap standing behind Gideon.  
“Can you sit for me for a second?”  
Gideon nodded defeated and let Mitchell help him sit down on the plastic chair.  
He watched Mitchell spread soap on his hands and arched his brows.  
“I can wash myself, thanks, sister Mitchell.”  
“But where’s the fun in that?”  
Gideon sighed and let Mitchell go ahead.  
He did his best to make Gideon forget about his helplessness and his pain and gently started spreading the soap on his upper body, slowly stroking his scars.  
Gideon flinched under his touch and tried to pull away, but Mitchell wouldn’t let him.  
“They are a part of who you are. And I love who you are. Plus, they make you seem adventurous. That’s very sexy.”  
Gideon snorted but let him continue soaping his upper body until Mitchell tried sliding his hand down. “Give me the soap.”  
“But I can…”  
“Jack, as much as I want you to touch my dick, I want to keep a bit of my dignity, okay?”  
“Sure.” He handed him the soap and turned away to let Gideon wash himself.  
“Finished.”  
Mitchell helped Gideon back on his feet and waited for the water to wash the soap away before he gently lifted him back into his arms. He placed Gideon on the toilet again and handed him a towel before he started drying himself. He felt Gideon staring at him and turned. “What?”  
“Nothing. You’re just fucking perfect.”  
Mitchell slightly blushed and cleared his throat. “You’re ready?”  
“Clean and dry.”  
“Good.”  
Mitchell let his towel fall, picked Gideon up and quickly got him back into his bed, slipping under the covers next to him and staring at his face.  
“What are you staring at?”  
“I’m waiting for your lips to turn rose again so I can kiss you.”  
“I’m sorry I’m at…this state.”  
“No worries. I can wait.”  
“I hate to. If I could, I’d be doing things to you now…”  
“I’m not running away. You’ll have plenty of time to do everything you want to me…”  
Gideon moaned. “Not helpful.”  
“Anything that I can do to help?”  
“Nah. You’re right, we shouldn’t…”  
“It’s okay.”  
“No, I…it’s just…I want it to be good. And with me being the way I am now…you’d only be worrying. But I only want you to worry about how much you don’t want me to stop.”  
Mitchell grinned. “That sounds promising. But I can help you out now, you know. I’d love to.”  
Gideon swallowed and ran his hand trough his wet hair. “No. Not this way. I want it to be special.”  
“Is that Gideon I’m talking to?”  
Gideon smiled and pulled him closer, softly kissing his lips.  
“I never fucked anyone I loved before, Jack and I guess that’s a reason to make this first a little special.”  
“You what?”  
“I’ve never been with anyone I loved before.”  
“That’s…wow. But you’ve had plenty of sex before, right?”  
“Plenty.”  
“With….other men?”  
“Men and women. Yes. I guess I am your first in terms of guys, right?”  
Mitchell suddenly burst with laughter.  
“What? No! I’ve always been gay.”  
“You…what?”  
Mitchell nodded. “I hate to break it to you, but you didn’t sort of missionize me. I’ve been with men before.”  
Gideon opened his mouth and hesitated. “I didn’t know that.”  
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice I had a crush on you from day one.”  
Gideon scratched the back of his head. “Well I fucking didn’t.”  
“Ilona says it was for everyone to see.”  
“Well you could’ve fucking said something.”  
“I never thought you were interested in men, let alone me. Plus, it was purely sexual attraction at first.”  
“Fine by me. I would’ve loved to fuck your brains out.”  
“Who says you’d have gotten to fuck me? Maybe I would’ve fucked you.”  
Mitchell grinned and Gideon licked his lips. “We’ll see who wins this once we get there.”  
“Oh yeah, we will. But seriously…you liked me? Like…for a while?”  
“I thought you were hot. I didn’t fall for you until…I don’t know, it just happened.”  
“When?”  
“I don’t recall. Sometime before Atlas fell apart. But I didn’t admit it to myself until Baghdad when I thought I’d lose you.”  
Mitchell smirked a little.  
“Same goes for me. I knew I was into you but I needed to think I’d lost you to admit it.”  
“We’re bloody idiots.”  
“Absolutely.”  
“So you’ve been with men before?”  
“A couple, yes. But it’s been ages, to be honest.”  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Shoot.”  
“Have you been with Will?”  
Mitchell smiled a sad little smile. “No. I wasn’t in love with Will. Not that way. He was more of a brother to me. Plus, I never wanted a relationship with a comrade. They have this annoying little habit of dying…” Tears gathered in his eyes and Gideon gently wiped them away and changed the topic.  
“I’m glad you’re a little experienced.”  
“So you don’t need to run the rookie training on me again?” Mitchell laughed and Gideon joined in.  
“Believe me, once I’m back to being myself…It’s gonna be tougher than any rookie-training you’ve had.”  
Mitchell bit his lip again. “Not helpful.”  
“I can help you out.”  
“No, you’re right. We wait. I want this to be special too. Still can’t believe you’ve never been in love before though.” He leaned back, pulling Gideon into his arms who immediately closed his eyes and put his arm around his hip.  
“You’re the first and only person I fell for, Jack, and…I’m glad.”  
Mitchell smiled and gently stroked Gideon’s cheek.  
“Me too. I love you, Gideon.”  
“I love you too, Jack.”  
They kissed and Gideon yawned. “I could use a little sleep now.”  
Mitchell nodded and wrestled himself out of Gideon’s embrace to get up and get dressed.  
“You sleep, I cook. You need to eat something before you turn all skinny.”  
Gideon snorted and fell asleep quickly after Mitchell left the room and closed the door behind him.


	22. 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gideon can't really handle civilian life - or weakness. Or anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your lovely comments <3  
> And welcome to the madness, new readers! =)
> 
> I promised to update a little more often so here I am.  
> Please regard this chapter as a christmas gift =)

Gideon stared down on his plate and swallowed. The food Mitchell had prepared - noodles with a simple instant tomato-sauce - looked good but nevertheless, he felt his stomach ache at the thought of eating.  
He hesistantly put some noodles on his fork and forced himself to take them in his mouth, chew and swallow. Immediately, he felt his stomach clench and nausea creeping up. He lay down the fork and sighed which of course didn't stay unnoticed by Mitchell.  
"Everything okay?"  
Mitchell worriedly frowned. The last two days he had already noted how Gideon, who normally ate tons of food, seemed to have problems eating.   
"Yeah" Gideon rolled his eyes. "Just not hungry."  
Mitchell arched his brows. "You've gotta be kidding me."  
The older man didn't answer to that and continued to poke around at his plate.  
"Gid', you need to eat something. You're only skin and bones. Your body needs to regain strenght."  
Gideon gritted his teeth in annoyance and sighed a warning sigh.  
"Don't you think I know that?"  
Mitchell raised his hands in defiance. "Just trying to help."  
"Just stop it." Gideon snapped and Mitchell frowned.  
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"  
"Nothing is fucking wrong with me. Just stop behaving like you were my mother, for fuck's sake!"  
Mitchell nodded and snorted.   
"I don't know if you noticed, but my brain is still intact. I know I need to eat. I am not a fucking idot."  
"It's okay, calm down."  
"I am calm. I just don't want you to look at me like a hurt puppy. I can take care of myself! I don't need you to tell me what to do."  
"I was only worried, Gideon. I didn't mean to..."  
"Yeah, whatever, just stop it."  
With that, Gideon grabbed the wheels of his chair and turned away to leave the room, leaving his barely touched plate on the table.  
Mitchell put his head in his hands and sighed. Three days and they were already behaving like an old married couple. He swallowed his worries and finished his meal.

Meanwhile, Gideon had returned to his room, the door closed behind him and stared at the ceiling in frustration.  
At the hospital he had thought that the nausea was coming from the bad quality of the hospital food that killed his appetite. But now that it wasn't getting any better, he concluded that something had to be wrong with his stomach.  
Maybe it was because of the nasogastric tube that had kept him fed in coma. Or it was caused by the antibiotics. Maybe it had something to do with his still healing liver. He didn't know. He only knew that it was one more annoying thing he couldn't control, one more thing that didn't feel normal. One more thing that didn't work.  
He beat his fists on the armrests of his wheelchair and gritted his teeth. Trying to contain his helpless anger, he forced himself to take some deep, hurting breaths when his phone suddenly rang.   
He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the display sceptical. It was an unknown number. Hesistantly, he picked it up after the fourth ring.  
"Emery?"  
"Hey Gideon, it's me."  
"Hi Dex!"  
"I just wanted to call you so you have my new number. How's it going, buddy?"  
"Great."  
"Do I detect sarcasm?"  
Gideon snorted.  
"Not at all. Sun's shining right out of my beautiful ass."  
"How was your rehabilitation training today?"  
"It was awesome. I'm an old, useless wreck."  
"That bad?"  
"No, no. I'm only kidding. It was fine."  
"I know you too well, you know that."  
"Anyway...how are things back at sentinel?"  
"Weird. Since Cole has been arrested, everyone's a little confused about the future. Sentinel seems to have been badly shaken by the traitor within their own ranks."  
"Any new missions?"  
"I'm heading to new Baghdad next week. Someone apparently looted the ATLAS ruins. We guess it's been another terror cell checking for supplies."  
"Are you joining Ilonas squad?"  
"Since mine no longer really exists as long as you are not around...yep."  
"Hmh."  
"Gid? Are you still there?"  
"Yeah, I just...I'm a little busy at the moment. Can I call you tomorrow?"  
"Yeah...sure. But since we're talking let's fix a date for our beer. I need to check out if that Mitchell is worthy of yours."  
Gideon laughed a bitter laugh. "You mean if I am worthy of him."  
"God, you're so cheesy lately, you make me wanna throw up."  
"What about tomorrow evening then? You can come ‘round."  
"Tommorow sounds fine but let's meet at a bar. I'll pick you up. You need to get out of the house. I can practically hear your voice shouting for freedom."  
"Great. 8 p.m? I'll text you the address."  
"I'll be there. Bye, Gid'"  
"See you around, Dex."

Gideon texted Dex their address and threw his phone on the bed. Looking out of the window he noted that the sun was already setting and another day was over. He still felt angry about the incident at the kitchen. It wasn’t as if he didn’t understand Mitchell. It was just that he didn’t want it all to be this way. For months, maybe even years, he had caught himself thinking – or even worse: daydreaming – about sharing private time with Mitchell. But now it wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined it. He didn’t like the way the dynamic of their relationship had shifted. He didn’t like being weak. He admired Jack for the way he took care of him, yes, but at the same time, he wanted him to stop. For the first time in his life, he loved someone so much it nearly hurt and he couldn’t do with him what he had always wanted. He couldn’t touch him the way he wanted, feel him the way he wanted, not even kiss him the way he wanted as long as he felt as breathless as he did now. He didn’t know what to do or how to behave. Up until now he had only ever spent time with Mitchell during fights or in preparation of those or during celebrations of fights fought successfully. All they ever talked about were missions and comrades and then there was their occasional flirting and stuff but now? Now that they finally managed to be together they talked about eating habits and healing and what to watch on television. Gideon didn’t remember how to be a private person. He was bored and worried and tired and annoyed and felt like he couldn’t breathe – not only because of his lungs. He was afraid that Mitchell might lose his interest once he found out that there was nothing to Gideon besides fighting and killing and snarky replies. Gideon sighed and brushed his hand through his hair with desperation. He simply didn’t like himself very much at the moment and he didn’t understand how Mitchell could like him while he was behaving like a bitchy teenager.  
“Fuck.” He cursed under his breath, grabbing an empty glass that stood on the nightstand and threw it against the wall. It broke into hundreds of pieces and Gideon let his head fall into his hand with anger about himself. “I am such an idiot.”  
Then he heard somebody clearing his throat and flinched.  
“Well I don’t know how you see it, but I think you’ve had enough self-hatred for today.”  
Gideon turned around, his face red with shame and remaining anger.  
“I’d rather be alone now.”  
Mitchell shrugged. “Yeah, I already guessed that. I just came to see if you’re doing something stupid when I heard the shattering glass.”  
Gideon sighed. “I’m sorry. I just…”  
“Whatever. I’m going to bed. I’m sure you don’t want me helping with anything so…good night.”  
Seeing the hurt on Mitchell’s face let Gideon’s heart tighten in pain and he silently cursed himself for his own softness when he heard himself holding the former private back.  
“Jack, wait.”  
Mitchell stopped and turned around to him again, arms crossed in front of his chest.  
“What?”  
“I’m an asshole.”  
“Yeah, I already knew that. Anything else?”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“What for exactly?”  
“For being a dick to you. I know you only mean well. It’s just…it’s a little too much, ok?”  
“If you want to take this whole “boyfriend” thing serious you will have to deal with it.”  
Gideon closed his eyes and nodded.  
“I know. It’s just…I want you. I really do. Just…not as a nurse.”  
Mitchell smirked bitterly. “People who love each other take care of each other, you know?”  
“People, yes. But I…I am different. I don’t…I don’t know how this stuff works. I never woke up next to the same person twice before. I’m not used to somebody taking care of me.”  
“Do you want me to go?”  
“No. And don’t get me wrong, I am thankful. You know that. And I swear to fucking god I would do everything for you. I’d throw myself in front of a bullet for you if I had to, but this nursing thing…it’s too much to bear.”  
Mitchell sighed and nodded. “It’s okay, I get it. It’s not very sexy.”  
Gideon smirked a little. “It’s cute. And I love you for it. But I…”  
“You’re frustrated.”  
“You don’t know how much.”  
“It’s gonna get better.”  
“Is it? Because at the moment it feels like I will be stuck in this wheelchair for a fucking eternity and I can’t breathe and I can’t walk and I can’t….you…I…it’s driving me insane.”  
“Me…you…what?”  
“I want you. Desperately. With every fucking inch of my broken, battered body. I want to do things to you…But I can’t. And that’s...I just don’t know how to handle my own uselessness.”  
Mitchell finally broke into a little smile and made some steps towards Gideon. Sitting down on the bed, he nodded. “I understand. It’s not like I’m not frustrated I can’t do all the things to you that I imagined day in and day out since ATLAS day one.”  
“It’s not just that.”  
“You feel useless.”  
“I am useless.”  
“Well I didn’t have a flashback ever since we’re here together so you’re sure as hell ain’t useless, idiot.”  
“I’m glad you didn’t.”  
“You’re afraid of the future.”  
“I guess I just don’t remember how to be a civilian. I miss the field. I miss training. I miss watching your back. Hell, I even miss getting up at five in the morning for a shitty briefing before breakfast.”  
“You’re gonna get back to that soon enough.”  
Gideon nodded, smirked sadly and looked to the floor, swallowing. When he replied, his voice was only a whisper.  
“But what if I can’t?”  
Mitchell put his hand beyond Gideon’s chin and gently forced him to lift his head and look at him. “You will. You’re Gideon fucking Emery. You survived three bullets, a knife and a helicopter-crash. You’re gonna get back on your feet.”  
“You and your damn optimism.  
“You could use some of it.”  
“Good that I have you.”  
“Is it?”  
Gideon soflty swept a stain of hair from Mitchell’s forehead and smiled a little.  
“It is.” He leaned forward and looked straight into those damn blue eyes. “You are perfect. Just try to be a little more of my boyfriend and a little less of my mother, okay?”  
Mitchell smirked. “Yeah, okay.”  
“Good.”  
They kissed and Gideon leaned back. “You know what?”  
“Hm?”  
“You’re gonna be my instructor.”  
“I’m gonna be what?”  
“I need someone to kick my ass and you need to find out what you’re willing to do now that you won’t return to the field. I’m sure you’d be great instructor and am willing to let you practice on me.” He grinned and Mitchell laughed.  
“You’re sure you want that?”  
“Pretty damn sure.”  
“Okay, good. We’ll start tomorrow.”  
“What, you’re not trying to talk me out of it?”  
“I’m trying to shut my inner mother hen off, remember?”  
Gideon smiled. “Thank you.”  
“I only got one requirement for you.”  
“Which is…?”  
“You’ll let yourself be checked over by the doctor on Thursday.”  
“Why?”  
“Your stomach.”  
Gideon rolled his eyes. “Really? We’re back at that again?”  
“Just do it. Your muscles won’t return by training alone. And to be honest, I miss them. They were sexy.”  
Gideon couldn’t keep himself from laughing and finally nodded.  
“Ok, good. I let you be my voice of reason. But I also let them change my bandages. No more sister Mitchell if it isn’t really necessary.”  
“Agreed.”  
“And you’ll have beer with me and Dex tomorrow.”  
“What?”  
“I ran into him today and he wants to get to know you better.”  
“Because…?”  
“He’s the closest thing to a family I have so I guess that’s gonna be our version of meeting the parents.”  
Mitchell smiled. “Okay, fine. But you won’t have beer.”  
Gideon rolled his eyes.  
“I’m not really stupid enough to drink before my liver has fully grown back, MOM.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Pardoned.”  
“Bed?”  
“Join me?”  
“Sure. I’ll just clean the shards up first”  
Once Mitchell was finished with cleaning the floor, he offered his hands to Gideon.  
“Get up, lazy bones. I’m gonna help you walk into bed.”  
“No more carrying?”  
“Your holiday is over, old man.”  
Gideon took the offered hands and forced himself on his feet, feeling Mitchell’s strong arms holding him up and gently guiding him to the bed.  
When they finally lay down, Gideon cleared his throat.  
“You know it’s kind of sexy.”  
Mitchell raised his brows in question.  
“You being all strong and protective. I just prefer it the other way around.”  
“Ok.”  
Mitchell shuffled, moved closer and put his head on Gideon’s chest.  
The older man immediately wrapped his arms around him.  
“Yeah, that’s better.”  
Listening to Gideon’s heartbeat, Mitchell smiled. To him, it was the most beautiful sound in the whole universe and he let out a pleasant sigh.  
“I always wanted to do that.”  
“Me too.”  
“We finally found something to agree on.”  
“Legendary.”  
They fell asleep pretty fast.

The next morning, Mitchell let Gideon practice sitting up on his own.  
Watching him with a coffee in his hand, he smirked. “For every successful sit-up I’m gonna lose one piece of clothing.”  
Gideon gritted his teeth in pain when he finally sat up straight but smirked nevertheless. “You’re torturing me.”  
“I’ve been trained by the best.”  
“That guy’s gotta be an asshole.”  
“Oh, you bet. But he’s hot as fuck.”  
“Off with your shirt, I sat up!”  
Mitchell bend down and slipped out of one of his sockets. “Who said I was gonna make it that easy for you?”  
“You bloody bitch!”  
Mitchell took a sip of his coffee and grinned. “Keep going, captain. I ain’t got all day.”

At the end of their 30-minutes training session, Mitchell was only wearing his Boxers and Gideon was a sweating, heavy-breathing mess.  
“I can do one more, I swear.”  
Mitchell smirked and pushed the older man back into the pillows. “Enough for today.”  
Gideon tried to catch his breath and nodded. “Maybe you’re right.”  
“Shower?”  
Gideon nodded. “But this time…”  
“I’ll leave you alone. I’ll just help you get onto the chair in the shower, nothing else, I promise.”  
Mitchell helped Gideon up to his feet and together they walked to the bathroom in slow-motion. Mitchell could feel Gideon’s hot, bare skin against his own and swallowed as he felt his ribcage under his fingers. Gideon had really gotten very thin and Mitchell had to pull himself together not to shoot him a worried look when Gideon’s knees gave away and Mitchell had no other choice but to lift him inside his arms again.  
Gideon sighed with frustration but leaned into the touch nevertheless, enjoying the heat radiating from Mitchell’s nearly-naked body until he was placed on the shower-chair and Mitchell turned on the water to leave him alone.  
“I’ll be back in ten minutes. Try not to kill yourself.”

At breakfast, Gideon forced a couple of spoons of cereals down his throat to make Mitchell happy and tried to start a conversation despite the fact that he felt tired as hell.  
“So. What do civilians usually talk about?”  
“I don’t know. The weather maybe?”  
Gideon looked at the window.  
“Sun.”  
Mitchell nodded. “Yep.”  
“Dex told me they’re going to new Baghdad next week.”  
“Oh, really? What kind of mission?”  
“They suspect another terror-cell at the area.”  
“No surprise, eh? Them returning to the old headquarters.”  
“I bet they’re searching for the manticore data.”  
“So they can produce their own?”  
“Would make them kind of invincible.”  
“You forget they know Ilona, you and me are still out there.”  
Gideon frowned. “Yeah.”  
“What is that look on your face?”  
“Nothing. I just thought I better get back on my feet before they find out where to search for us.”  
“You don’t think what I think you’re thinking.”  
“How the fuck would I know that.”  
“You think they’ll want to kill us.”  
“What do you think Cole was planning to do to you?”  
“Having me imprisoned?”  
“And sentenced to death?”  
“For traitorship. You could be right.”  
“He wanted one of us to throw himself in front of the other. That way, he would get us both.”  
“Much less suspicious than leaving us to die at the desert.”  
“I bet he thought about it, but then he heard us talking and…”  
“Boom. We provided him with the key to getting us killed. So only Ilona would remain.”  
Gideon nodded and then frowned again.  
“Ilona. When have you last heard of her?”  
“Yesterday. She texted me.”  
Gideon raised his brows and smirked. “About?”  
“None of your business.”  
Gideon rolled his eyes. “Anyway. If we are right, Cole must have had something planned for Ilona.”  
“I’m sure he wanted her dead.”  
“But it had to look like an accident.”  
“During combat.”  
“It didn’t work at the camp.”  
“So he had to try another way.”  
“But he’s imprisoned now, so…”  
“Wait. What if he had that risk calculated?”  
“You mean he had another traitor installed?”  
“Could be.”  
“But whom?”  
“I don’t know. Someone at her Squad. Or mine.”  
“Only Dex remains from our squad and you made very clear you’d never suspect him to be a traitor.”  
“You’re forgetting about Harper.”  
“Our man guarding the aircraft during the mission.”  
“Yep.”  
“The aircraft that got shot.”  
Gideon nodded.  
“Did he integrate into Ilonas squad?”  
“I’d bet on it.”  
“Do you know anything about him?”  
“Barely anything. He was always friendly. Very capable. Halfway funny. Obeying.”  
“Who put him into your squad?”  
“He just turned up one day, mission papers in hand. Signed by Cole.”  
“Fuck.”  
“I try calling Ilona.”  
“I try reaching Dex in the meantime.”  
They both reached for their phone.

Mitchell only got Ilona’s mailbox and cursed. “Ilona, it’s Mitchell. Please call me back as soon as possible. It’s really important!”  
Gideon had better luck with Dex who immediately picked up his phone.  
“Gid’, what is it? I’m a tad busy…”  
“You need to get here. Immediately. Bring a gun.”  
“Dude, not funny.”  
“I’m not kidding. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going, copy?”  
“Copy, captain. I’ll be there in an hour.”

Gideon hung up and looked at Mitchell with distress.  
“I send him this address yesterday. His phone is new but it could still be wired…”  
Mitchell nodded. “You don’t happen to have a gun on you, right?”  
“I don’t own a private one.”  
Mitchell went straight into the kitchen and rammaged the cutlery drawer.  
He returned with the largest two knives he could find and handed one to Gideon.  
“This will have to do then. Just in case.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil little laughter*  
> Any theories on where this might be going? ;P

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Thanks for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. <3 to all of you readers ! :)


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